WASHINGTON, DC – When he’s not busy lowering interest rates, bailing out financial institutions or making ceramic piggy banks with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is overseeing the young men who would like to date his daughter, Anna. Like all dads, Ben is concerned about what might happen on these dates, which is why he came up with his 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter. The rules are so popular among his Washington colleagues with daughters, Bernanke is considering developing them into a sitcom pilot for the Fox Business Channel.

When young Republican men enter the foyer of the Bernanke home, they come face-to-face with two stone tablets containing the following Bernanke rules:

1. If you pull in my driveway in anything but a limo, it better be a private jet.

2. You may not touch my daughter in front of me unless it’s to hand her a copy of your financial statement.

3. You must wear a dark suit at all times, even to the beach. You can only take it off to save a drowning banker.

4. When it comes to sex, think of my daughter as a Swiss bank and you as someone who shops at the grocery store with coupons.

5. If you think the late fees on your American Express Centurion Card are atrocious, wait until you see the fee for bringing my daughter home late.

6. If my daughter comes home crying, it better be because you took her to a sad movie about Democrats taking over Congress.

7. While waiting for my daughter to make her grand entrance, don’t fidget or bother me with questions. Nothing drops faster than my interest rate in you.

8. You may only take my daughter to noisy crowded public places where there are no places to have sex. One of my favorite spots to take her mother was the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.

Got an auto industry CEO on your Christmas list and can’t figure out what to get him? It’s tough shopping for the man who has everything and nothing at the same time. Here’s a list of gifts designed specially for automotive CEOs that’s sure to make your favorite GM, Chrysler or Ford exec wake up on Christmas morning and exclaim, “God bless us, every one … except Toyota, Honda and Nissan.”

Amazon’s Kindle Reading Device — Load it up with biographies of Henry Ford, Walter P. Chrysler and William C. Durant, plus a copy of Stephen King’s “Christine” to scare them away from their current model cars.

Nintendo Wii Guitar Hero World Tour — Car Songs: It’s loaded with car songs like Little Deuce Coupe, Little Red Corvette and 409 to inspire them to come up with new cars that inspire bands to write about them.

Madden NFL 09 – Detroit Lions Edition: Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than watching people who are bigger losers than you are, especially in your own home town.

Nintendo Wii Honda Fit: So they can practice building economical, high mileage, fun cars at home.

Old Spice For Mechanics: Get them in the mood for car building by smelling like grease, oil and windshield washer fluid.

iPhone 3 Welded To An Old Princess Phone With A Dial: To remind them what it’s like driving an American car that claims to be state-of-the-art.

Trip to Seoul: Coach class, one-way. Promise to send the return ticket when he can correctly pronounce “Hyundai.”

Box of Bandaids: Write on each one “Government loan.”

Monopoly game: Help him see the future by removing the car piece and burning all the money.

Chinese fighting fish: Put a model of an American car company in the aquarium for the fish to fight over

CareerCast.com, a new job site, evaluated 200 professions to determine the best and worst jobs in America based on five criteria: environment, income, employment outlook, physical demands and stress. Career.com did not answer calls to find out why it didn’t also evaluate more important criteria such as the size of front steps for smokers, hours before late-arrivals are towed from handicapped parking spots, responsiveness of elevator buttons to frantic pushing by people late for meetings and distance to the nearest Starbucks.

According to the study, the ratings add up to mathematician being the best job in America, followed by actuary (a mathematician with a B average), statistician (mathematician in Vegas), biologist (mathematician who took biology to meet girls) and software engineer (rich mathematician). At the other end of the job scale, the worst job in America is lumberjack (apparently flannel shirts do not provide good protection from falling redwoods), followed by dairy farmer (milking cramps), taxi driver (middle finger cramps), seaman (too much seasickness) and EMT (too much see sickness).

Of course, the average American has no chance of getting a job as a mathematician, either because he doesn’t like math or he’s a she. And the average American would never work as a lumberjack, especially after seeing any of the 30-odd sequels to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What the average American is qualified for is a mediocre job. So, straight from the middle of the Best and Worst Jobs in America listing, here are the 10 Most Mediocre Jobs In America:

Typist: You know you’re mediocre when you know what a “carriage return” is.

Pharmacist: The only drug pushers who can’t accept payment in sex.

Piano tuner: No matter how hard you try, you can’t fix bad playing.

Bookbinder: People who think “Kindle” is a four-letter word.

Teacher’s Aide: Cafeteria worker without the hairnet allowance.

Forklift operator: A Top 10 job until they outlawed impaling.

Correction officer: It’s nothing like those “Women in Chains” movies.

Meter reader: The high point of your day is beating the dog to the gate.

Chauffeur: Cab driver without the joy of swearing.

Dishwasher: No chance to spit in someone’s food. 

With my credit cards maxed out, checking account emptied out and all my watches pawned out, I can’t afford $35 to buy “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” and find out how he overcame similar obstacles to become the richest man on the planet who never sold drugs … well, I can’t verify that because I can’t afford the book. However, I managed to spend a few minutes in my favorite brick-and-mortar bookstore drinking coffee and pretending to read the book like everyone else in the place who’s too young to remember libraries. I had barely skimmed the jacket before the clerk snatched the book away and brushed off the crumbs from the cookie I smuggled in from home … have you priced the biscotti lately? So, here’s my review of the book jacket of “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” by Alice Schroeder.

Warren Buffett must be old because his cover picture is in the shadows – like those publicity shots they do of Hollywood actresses once they reach 30. I guess he wants us to think he’s frugal because he’s wearing reading glasses that went out of style with papyrus.

On the inside front flap, it says that Buffett is known as “The Oracle of Omaha.” Talk about lucky. Had his parents moved a few miles away, he could have ended up as “The Lunatic of Lincoln.” The flap says this is a “great American story.” I guess that means Sarah Palin is probably reading a copy purchased for her by the Republican National Committee.

The back flap shows a picture of author Alice Schroeder and says she was a noted insurance industry analyst and writer who was a managing director at Morgan Stanley. Apparently when you write a book you get to write the glowing flap copy too. She first met Warren Buffett when she published research on Berkshire Hathaway and they’ve been friends ever since. That means she didn’t find any pictures of him playing bridge with Bill Gates and a couple of strippers … or if she did, she’s saving them for a much bigger advance. According to the flap, Ms. Schroeder was born in Texas and now lives in Connecticut. She probably moved there hoping she’d someday get the nickname “The Bard of Bridgeport.”

All in all, the jacket of “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” was a thought-provoking flap-turner from start to finish. I highly recommend it to anyone who has already read everything in the basket in the bathroom.

Addam Smythe claims to be the great-great-grandson of Adam Smith, the father of modern economics. After a successful Hollywood career managing movie extras, stand-ins and seat fillers, Smythe used his connections and mail-order MBA to fulfill his dream of following in his alleged ancestor’s footsteps. Changing his name slightly to fulfill the basic requirement for living in Beverly Hills, Addam Smythe became the Economist to the Stars. Capitalistbanter.com welcomes Mr. Smythe to our staff to answer your financial questions.

Dear Addam Smythe,

I just turned 59 and decided it’s time to start thinking about saving up for my retirement. What do you recommend I do?

Elbert in Omaha

Dear Elbert,

I suggest you ask your employer to begin deducting 25% of your net income and deposit it directly into a special checking account. Discipline yourself to use this checking account for one purpose: to purchase the kneepads you will need while begging your children to let you live with them.

Addam

Dear Mr. Smythe,

My eccentric uncle passed away recently and left me his home which he built out of soap in an attempt to cash in on what he called the “housing bubbles.” Is there anything I can do with it?

Barb in Seattle

Dear Barb,

Soap homes were once popular in countries where trees were considered to be gods. Perhaps you can find one of the remaining members of the Oakodox Church and hold an open house. A plate of toast burnt with the shape of maples might help.

Addam

Dear Addam Smythe,

What will be the “next big thing?”

Joe in Toledo

Dear Joe,

The “next big thing” will be green crayons. Billions of half-used crayons end up in landfills every June when school lets out, forming a waxy buildup on the planet that is threatening to cause Earth to slip out of orbit. Fifty-four nations have signed the Crayoto Treaty calling for a ban on crayon sales, a move that would cripple elementary education and leave refrigerators doors across the country uncovered, hurting the critical magnet industry. A market is building for an alternative. Put your money in green crayons.

Addam

Got a question for Addam Smythe, Economist to the Stars? Leave it in a comment.

REDMOND, WA — Microsoft (motto: “Quit Complaining Or We’ll Bring Back DOS”) has unveiled its newest operating system, Windows 7, to replace Windows Vista, which itself is having a hard time replacing its predecessor, Windows XP. “We’re not admitting Vista has problems,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dawn Lode. “We just want to make up to our loyal users for those strange Seinfeld commercials.”

While Vista has enough serious problems that many XP users have refused to upgrade and new PC customers have paid a premium to stick with XP, there are a number of reasons you should consider staying with Vista.

1. Being one of the only Vista users makes you a “maverick.” It’s a lot easier than trying to stop Congressional earmarks.

2. With Vista gone, Apple will stop running the commercials with the Mac guy making fun of the PC guy. Sure, it picks on your OS, but is there anything funnier on TV?

3. You use the long start-up time to run five miles every morning. Don’t let your health suffer in the name of new technology.

4. You’re saving trees because Vista still doesn’t have a driver for your old printer. Don’t you have enough pictures of Pamela Anderson anyway?

5. The “User Access Control” constantly asking you if you really want to perform a task reminds you to call your mother. Did you call her today?

6. Windows Defender makes you feel safe. And you don’t believe the rumor that it lets Bill Gates see you sitting at your PC in your underwear.

7. Excruciatingly slow response time gives you time to consider your options before making tough decisions. Like whether you want to stick with Times New Roman or switch to Minya Nouvelle.

8. You like buying CDs. Who needs a credit card bill with 10 pages of 99 cent charges to iTunes?

9. You just painted your office walls Microsoft Blue. It doesn’t stop the blue screens but it keeps them from hurting your eyes.

10. You’re John Hodgman, the PC guy, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman gets all the movie roles for geeks. Not to mention Paul Giamatti.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – The group Daft and Unusual Monikers for Babies (DUMB), an organization of Harvard MBA recipients dedicated to propagating their species, has completed a six-month study on the effect of a baby’s name on his or her future success in the business world. Names of the children and grandchildren of Harvard MBA recipients and anyone whose unusual name is followed by “III” or “IV” were eliminated from consideration. After taking into consideration the current economic situation, DUMB released this list of names to avoid if you want your child to grow up to become a CEO, billionaire or defense contractor:

Freddie (also Frederick and Freda)

Mac (also Mackenzie and MacDonald)

Fannie (also Fantasia, Fandango and Fang)

Mae (also May, Maynard and Mae B.)

Ethel

Diesel

Sal (only if last name is Minella)

Tank

Crash (even if he’s clumsy)

Star (only if last name is Buck)

China (especially if baby has red hair)

Bear (unless it’s short for Barack)

G.M. (no matter what the letters stand for)

S.U.V. (see G.M.)

N.R.G. (you get the idea)

Yale (also Cornell, Brownie and Penny)

Britney

If you’re like me (and if you are, let me just warn you ahead of time that therapy doesn’t help), you read the story about John Thain (former Merrill Lynch CEO who sold the company to Bank of America for $50 billion and a Senate seat to be named later) spending $35,000 on a toilet for his office and you thought, “Are you kidding me? Where can I get one of those?”

This top-of-the line toilet is one of a kind and its purchase was probably not covered by any home or contents insurance premium. Why Mr. Thain purchased it might be mind-boggling and absurd to many. But it’s definite that he had something in mind when he bought this fancy bathroom fixture. A toilet that costs $35,000 may seem like an extravagance, but anyone trying to sell real estate in this market knows that the commode is the one part of an office or dwelling that not only holds its value, it can actually increase the total selling price, especially if the potential buyer “makes a big deposit” while looking and doesn’t have to flush twice, jiggle the handle or attempt to improvise a plunger out of a toothbrush and a Dixie cup.

So, what exactly did John Thain get for his $35,000? Here’s a list of features on his classy commode that will make any plumber crack a smile wider than the smile cracking from his coveralls:

Direct input pipeline to a fresh mountain spring.

Direct output pipeline to a secret sanitation plant that searches for jewelry accidentally dropped in.

Special fast flush option for pharmaceutical emergencies.

Antique 1400-year-old porcelain bowl from the Dung Dynasty.

Bidet for visits from trophy girlfriend.

Disappearing bidet for visits from wife.

Bark-operated seat lifter so pet dog can drink.

Purr-operated lid-lowering option for when wife’s cat tries to use it.

Self-jiggling handle.

Score-keeping display for game of aiming stream at target on bottom of bowl.

Rolls of paper made from recycled subprime mortgages.

Verified autograph and inspection sticker from Joe the Plumber.