REDMOND, WA — Microsoft (motto: “Quit Complaining Or We’ll Bring Back DOS”) has unveiled its newest operating system, Windows 7, to replace Windows Vista, which itself is having a hard time replacing its predecessor, Windows XP. “We’re not admitting Vista has problems,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dawn Lode. “We just want to make up to our loyal users for those strange Seinfeld commercials.”

While Vista has enough serious problems that many XP users have refused to upgrade and new PC customers have paid a premium to stick with XP, there are a number of reasons you should consider staying with Vista.

1. Being one of the only Vista users makes you a “maverick.” It’s a lot easier than trying to stop Congressional earmarks.

2. With Vista gone, Apple will stop running the commercials with the Mac guy making fun of the PC guy. Sure, it picks on your OS, but is there anything funnier on TV?

3. You use the long start-up time to run five miles every morning. Don’t let your health suffer in the name of new technology.

4. You’re saving trees because Vista still doesn’t have a driver for your old printer. Don’t you have enough pictures of Pamela Anderson anyway?

5. The “User Access Control” constantly asking you if you really want to perform a task reminds you to call your mother. Did you call her today?

6. Windows Defender makes you feel safe. And you don’t believe the rumor that it lets Bill Gates see you sitting at your PC in your underwear.

7. Excruciatingly slow response time gives you time to consider your options before making tough decisions. Like whether you want to stick with Times New Roman or switch to Minya Nouvelle.

8. You like buying CDs. Who needs a credit card bill with 10 pages of 99 cent charges to iTunes?

9. You just painted your office walls Microsoft Blue. It doesn’t stop the blue screens but it keeps them from hurting your eyes.

10. You’re John Hodgman, the PC guy, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman gets all the movie roles for geeks. Not to mention Paul Giamatti.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – The group Daft and Unusual Monikers for Babies (DUMB), an organization of Harvard MBA recipients dedicated to propagating their species, has completed a six-month study on the effect of a baby’s name on his or her future success in the business world. Names of the children and grandchildren of Harvard MBA recipients and anyone whose unusual name is followed by “III” or “IV” were eliminated from consideration. After taking into consideration the current economic situation, DUMB released this list of names to avoid if you want your child to grow up to become a CEO, billionaire or defense contractor:

Freddie (also Frederick and Freda)

Mac (also Mackenzie and MacDonald)

Fannie (also Fantasia, Fandango and Fang)

Mae (also May, Maynard and Mae B.)

Ethel

Diesel

Sal (only if last name is Minella)

Tank

Crash (even if he’s clumsy)

Star (only if last name is Buck)

China (especially if baby has red hair)

Bear (unless it’s short for Barack)

G.M. (no matter what the letters stand for)

S.U.V. (see G.M.)

N.R.G. (you get the idea)

Yale (also Cornell, Brownie and Penny)

Britney

If you’re like me (and if you are, let me just warn you ahead of time that therapy doesn’t help), you read the story about John Thain (former Merrill Lynch CEO who sold the company to Bank of America for $50 billion and a Senate seat to be named later) spending $35,000 on a toilet for his office and you thought, “Are you kidding me? Where can I get one of those?”

This top-of-the line toilet is one of a kind and its purchase was probably not covered by any home or contents insurance premium. Why Mr. Thain purchased it might be mind-boggling and absurd to many. But it’s definite that he had something in mind when he bought this fancy bathroom fixture. A toilet that costs $35,000 may seem like an extravagance, but anyone trying to sell real estate in this market knows that the commode is the one part of an office or dwelling that not only holds its value, it can actually increase the total selling price, especially if the potential buyer “makes a big deposit” while looking and doesn’t have to flush twice, jiggle the handle or attempt to improvise a plunger out of a toothbrush and a Dixie cup.

So, what exactly did John Thain get for his $35,000? Here’s a list of features on his classy commode that will make any plumber crack a smile wider than the smile cracking from his coveralls:

Direct input pipeline to a fresh mountain spring.

Direct output pipeline to a secret sanitation plant that searches for jewelry accidentally dropped in.

Special fast flush option for pharmaceutical emergencies.

Antique 1400-year-old porcelain bowl from the Dung Dynasty.

Bidet for visits from trophy girlfriend.

Disappearing bidet for visits from wife.

Bark-operated seat lifter so pet dog can drink.

Purr-operated lid-lowering option for when wife’s cat tries to use it.

Self-jiggling handle.

Score-keeping display for game of aiming stream at target on bottom of bowl.

Rolls of paper made from recycled subprime mortgages.

Verified autograph and inspection sticker from Joe the Plumber.

In an interview after asking Congress for a “stand-by line of credit” that he hopes he won’t have to tap, Ford CEO Alan Mulally said he’d work for $1 per year if his firm had to take any of the government loan money. Based on the trouble the auto industry is in, that’s probably what the board at Ford should be paying him already. In addition to the CEOs of General Motors and Chrysler, here’s a few more grossly overpaid people whose salaries should be reduced to the buck they’re worth:

Donald Trump: make it two bucks so he can still get his hair cut.

Dr. Phil McGraw: he can use the buck to ride the bus to the next psych ward Britney checks into.

Rachael Ray: roll it in a ball and stuff it in her mouth … please!

Katie Couric: give it to her in nice shiny perky dimes.

Simon Cowell: it’s what he’s earned so far on Taylor Hicks.

David Beckham: he should give it to the first person who can guess what sport he plays.

Leslie Moonves, CBS CEO: for making us watch another season of “Survivor”

Alex Rodriguez: get a loan from Madonna.

Lance Armstrong: for dumping Kate Hudson.

Oprah Winfrey: a buck every year until she gives the entire country a car.

Tom Cruise: stick over your other eye.

Bill Gates: the profit generated so far by Vista

The Walton family: what they spend on health care for part-time Wal-Mart employees.

Mark Cuban: better save it to buy smokes in prison.

Michael Phelps: just because he can eat all that junk food and not gain weight.

With public transportation ridership surging due to the recession, many upper-middle-class Americans are riding buses and trains for the first time since that one day in fourth grade when daddy’s chauffer called in sick, the maid was hiding from INS and mommy couldn’t bear to be seen at school driving last year’s Mercedes. While taking public transportation saves money and is better for the environment than flying a private jet 10 miles to avoid driving through “those” neighborhoods, it can be dangerous to board without knowing the unwritten rules of bus and train riding. To help you avoid getting stabbed with an umbrella, bitten by the man who lives in the back row or dumped off in a dark alley by a driver who doesn’t recognize you from the 2005 Forbes 500, here are some Etiquette Rules For Public Transportation:

It’s called a bus “shelter,” not a shanty or cell or outhouse — no matter how much it may smell like any of them.

Running to catch a bus is OK — flagging down a cop to stop it for you is not.

If you lack the correct change, don’t hold things up by trying to convince the driver to take your company’s stock.

Never sit next to a woman holding a baby — she may have just changed it on the seat.

If you step on someone’s foot, apologize in every language you know until you get a nod back.

Unless it’s the kind you need for your colon, don’t put your bag on the empty seat next to you.

Hand sanitizer is for your hands — not the seat, the floor, the window or the passenger next to you.

The window does not open — it’s better to sweat than ask another passenger to blow on you.

If you don’t want it to be placed between two slices of bread and fed to you, don’t talk on your cell phone.

Even if you have a note from your doctor, pregnant women will still kick your butt for a seat.

Never speak to the person next to you unless he says, “Do you want to live?”

If you are standing and your crotch is in the face of someone sitting, it’s better to move before your fantasy becomes obvious to her or the other passengers.

If you’re sitting and the crotch of someone standing is in your face, avoid all urges to lick your lips.

If the bus is crowded and your stop is approaching, “Excuse me” works better than “I’m wearing a bomb!”

If you miss your stop, don’t blame the driver unless you know for certain the recession is ending tomorrow and you don’t need any more rides.

Remember when Chrysler announced it is closing all 30 of its manufacturing plants for a month in an attempt to counter the most severe downturn in U.S. auto sales in more than two decades? Gee, it wasn’t that long ago that everyone from President Bush down to lonely barbers thought that “cut-and-run” was a bad idea. Isn’t there something Chrysler can do with these plants while they’re idle to make some cash on the side and avoid being the biggest automotive embarrassment since the show ‘Pimp My Yugo’? As a favor to help Chrysler dodge a bullet, here are fifteen things it can do to make money with these buildings (I hope they remember this when I’m ready to trade in my Prius):

Temporary holding cell for Bernie Madoff, Rod Blagojevich and Plaxico Burress.

Place for the Detroit Lions to hide until the season is over.

Factory for making lead Hot Wheels toys to send to China.

Retraining center for CEOs about to become janitors.

Reception hall for the next Smith family reunion.

Distillery for turning unused ethanol back into corn mash whisky.

Recycling center for converting Hummers into mobile homes.

Storage for unsold copies of Sarah Palin’s biography.

Oven for cremating Christmas fruitcakes.

Arena Football Hall of Fame.

Movie studio for filming “Doctor Detroit II: Being A Ho’s Not So Bad Now.”

Tracks for indoor NASCAR series.

Factory for turning corporate jets into hybrids.

Closet for Cher.

Museum for Dinosaurs and Union Jobs.

With apologies to Robert Fulghum, all you really need to know about economics, Wall Street and the bailout you learned in kindergarten …

You can never get your lunch money back from a bully, but you can show him your stomach rash and make him barf what he bought with it.

When a fart is detected, blame it on the kid whose immigrant parents give him bean sandwiches for lunch.

If you put the last block on the top of a stack, you can take credit for the entire stack.

The secret to good grades is sitting next to a smart kid who writes big.

Say you’re sorry, but first make sure the teacher is listening.

Teachers come and go, but a principal who appreciates your booger jokes is too big to fail.

You can take anything you want as long as you say, “My daddy can fire your daddy.”

Fake dog poop never loses its value.

Nap time is a great time to look for change that falls out of the pockets of kids who toss and turn.

Learn to flush and it’s up to your teacher to prove she gave you a note for your parents.

Sticking together is a sign you flunked paste.

Dick had more fun than Jane.

10. At your office, “walking on hot coals” is not a fun team-building motivational exercise, nor is it an acceptable excuse for leaving your desk early when the building is on fire.

9. On “The Office,” the food served at office parties has the vending machine wrappers removed.

8. At your office, the temps make more than you do even before they get promoted to your boss’ job.

7. On “The Office,” putting a co-worker’s phone in a block of Jell-o does not end in crying, bloodshed or a rush to the hospital with a secretary suffering from a lime allergy.

6. The inflatable doll belonging to the warehouse guys in your office does not have lunchroom privileges.

5. On “The Office,” doing crossword puzzles during meetings is a sign of rebellion, not a feeble attempt to hide the fact that you’re the only person without a Blackberry to text your friends.

4. In your office, being the only sane person is grounds for termination.

3. On “The Office,” looking over someone’s shoulder at their computer screen never ends with the words, “Can someone help me find my eyeball?”

2. At your office, the only time you get invited to a party at a senior executive’s house is when he can’t get an ice sculpture.

1. On “The Office,” office inter-employee romances are not only allowed, they’re encouraged, debated and occasionally wagered on.

10. Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough – Michael Jackson

Enough is no longer enough

9. Take the Money and Run – The Steve Miller Band

Only if you can get it in euros

8. I Shot the Sheriff – Eric Clapton

Not a good idea, unless he sold you your mortgage

7. I Heard It Through the Grapevine – Marvin Gaye

Always check with at least two backup grapevines

6. Jump – Van Halen

No longer an option … office windows don’t open anymore

5. Runaway - Del Shannon

To where … Iceland?

4. Take This Job and Shove It – Johnny Paycheck

Take this medical insurance and … never mind

3. That’s What Friends Are For – Dionne & Friends

Only if your friend is Warren Buffet

2. Manic Monday – Bangles

It’s time we closed the stock markets on Mondays

1. Don’t Worry Be Happy – Bobby McFerrin

Isn’t that what got us in trouble in the first place?

WASHINGTON, DC – When he’s not busy lowering interest rates, bailing out financial institutions or making ceramic piggy banks with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is overseeing the young men who would like to date his daughter, Anna. Like all dads, Ben is concerned about what might happen on these dates, which is why he came up with his 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter. The rules are so popular among his Washington colleagues with daughters, Bernanke is considering developing them into a sitcom pilot for the Fox Business Channel.

When young Republican men enter the foyer of the Bernanke home, they come face-to-face with two stone tablets containing the following Bernanke rules:

1. If you pull in my driveway in anything but a limo, it better be a private jet.

2. You may not touch my daughter in front of me unless it’s to hand her a copy of your financial statement.

3. You must wear a dark suit at all times, even to the beach. You can only take it off to save a drowning banker.

4. When it comes to sex, think of my daughter as a Swiss bank and you as someone who shops at the grocery store with coupons.

5. If you think the late fees on your American Express Centurion Card are atrocious, wait until you see the fee for bringing my daughter home late.

6. If my daughter comes home crying, it better be because you took her to a sad movie about Democrats taking over Congress.

7. While waiting for my daughter to make her grand entrance, don’t fidget or bother me with questions. Nothing drops faster than my interest rate in you.

8. You may only take my daughter to noisy crowded public places where there are no places to have sex. One of my favorite spots to take her mother was the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.