Past Problems Come Back to Haunt Popular Radio Announcer
Don Imus, one of the more controversial radio announcers in America, has taken a week-long medical leave, sources say.
Prior to a scheduled news release by his physicians, rumors abounded that Mr. Imus had experienced a relapse in his long battle with alcoholism. Although sober for more than 20 years, Mr. Imus has publicly acknowledged past drinking problems.
Writer, Editor Released After Political Story Improperly Construed
The Associated Press reported earlier today that Senator Barack Obama’s wife recently indicated she was “touched” by the first lady, Laura Bush. The phrasing of this article’s title has, so far, resulted in the firing of the reporter who wrote the story and the resignation of her editor.
Sect Members Are Desperately Short of Cash, Says One Inside Source
Fresh off of their bruising battle with Texas Child Welfare Authorities, the Associated Press has learned that various members of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) have decided to auction off some of their extra wives for much-needed cash.
“We really had no choice after the legal proceedings had concluded,” indicated Dale Jessop, a leader at the group’s Texas compound. “We had to engage hundreds of attorneys to defend ourselves from the state’s meritless allegations. Now, these attorneys need to be paid and we don’t presently have the funds to pay for their services.”
Other sect leaders have indicated they are negotiating with Sotheby’s, a premiere auction house in New York City, to set up price guidelines for the various wives being offered for sale. Younger wives will initially be priced higher than older wives, while discounting will occur if children are to accompany their mothers.
“We’ll be working with the FLDS members to make their product more marketable to the buying public, ” said Frederick James, an official with Sotheby’s. “Some things will need to be modified – for instance, those Gumby-lookalike hairstyles are going to be history,” he indicated.
The FLDS religion states that the more wives a man has during his life, the better position he has in paradise. When Dale Jessop was asked why he was potentially reducing his position in paradise after he dies, Mr. Jessop, wistfully eyeing a group of children on a playground a ways off, stated “I’m not that concerned about that. Time will help us heal,” he stated with a glint in his eye.
Tom Tancredo (R-CO), a staunch anti-immigrant congressman from Colorado, has recently sponsored a new bill in the U.S. House. A quick glance at this legislation, entitled “The Recession Relief Act,” does not reveal much. However, upon further analysis, the bill proposes to conquer both illegal immigration and record-high food prices, all in one fell swoop.
“Everyone knows I can’t stand those damn Mexicans,” indicated Tancredo, who was contacted via phone last Tuesday. “Furthermore, food prices have shot through the roof due to a variety of factors. Since the general public has not paid enough attention to my anti-immigrant efforts, I’m sponsoring this bill,” he added.
And what a bill it is. The bill proposes that Mexican illegal immigrants be round up, on an ongoing basis, and ground up into cornmeal. The resulting food product will then be sold, at cost, to needy Americans. If any excess is present, the bill proposes to donate the leftover cornmeal to various soup kitchens throughout the country.
“We shouldn’t have any problem finding these illegal Mexicans,” indicated Frank Wolf (R-VA), another well-known anti-immigration politician who is considering co-sponsoring the bill. “All we have to do is drive to the nearest Home Depot or Lowe’s, in disguise, and pretend we need someone to paint a house or do some landscaping work. They’ll come to us in droves. I estimate we can round up four or five at a time in this manner,” he added.
What’s presently unspoken is what government agency will be responsible for this dastardly deed. Tancredo’s legislative staff has indicated that they prefer a new bureau to be set up within the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services (BCIS) to perform these tasks. “They already have the skills to round them up; it wouldn’t be much more of a leap to get these individuals to get their health cards and learn to regularly wash their hands,” indicated one staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Other sources indicate that FBI and CIA personnel have the ability to make people “disappear” and may be better suited for the job.
Democrats, taking what is the usually the conservative Republican position, questioned the cost of such a program. “How do we know how much this program will cost? And how do we know how long this program will continue?” indicated Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), chair of the Immigration, Border Security and Citizenship subcommittee of the Committee on the Judiciary in the United States Senate. “I think more politicians might be in favor of this program if they could exempt their own [ahem] employees from this program, but as it’s written now, there are no exemptions.”
Tancredo is hopeful that if this legislation is enacted and shows early promise, it can be expanded to another nationalities that also pose a significant illegal presence in the United States. Tancredo’s staff has already determined that detained illegal Germans could be processed into sauerkraut, while detained illegal Russians could be distilled into vodka.
“Dealing with the Russians would actually be fairly easy,” indicated Tancredo. “I mean, they drink so much that they’re half vodka already.”
Loretta Sanchez (D-CA), chosen to give a Democratic response to this article, could not be reached for comment. Witnesses have reported that Ms. Sanchez, apparently fearing that she herself would be ground up and mixed into the cornmeal mix, was seen in government buildings gathering documentary proof that she is a U.S. citizen, just in case the legislation is enacted into law.
Scientists today have announced an amazing new discovery – politicians are biologically different than the human race, known in scientific circles as Homo Sapiens. In fact, they are biologically different enough actually warrant their own species within the Homo genus, which scientists have dubbed Homo politicus.
Wang Chung, a scientist with the Harvard Biological Institute, further elaborated on this new nomenclature, which has been met with some disagreement in some scientific circles. “This species engages in a unique set of characteristics such as having an amazing ability to consume large amounts of alcohol, wasting excessive amounts of other people’s money by pretending to accomplish tasks when in reality nothing of significance gets accomplished, and most importantly, having a split personality,” he elaborated.
Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary biologist with the University of Oxford, is skeptical. “I mean, most of the behaviors of this ‘alleged’ new species have already been observed in members of Homo sapiens,” he indicated. However, he noted that post-mortem research of politician cadavers have frequently found one or more “absorbed twin” embryos, giving rise to theories that indicate politicians truly have what is frequently termed “multiple identity disorder.”
“If we can somehow show that these embryos are alive and functioning while the attached Homo politicus member is alive, I believe our scientific understanding of this species will advance considerably,” Wang Chung noted. “This would describe how these politicians can speak to various interest groups over a very short time span and give responses to these different groups that are polar opposites. It may be that the embryo(s) attached to each politician constitutes a completely separate identity for the associated politician, which the politician can switch at will.”
This would further explain the lack of guilt in relaying these multiple thoughts and positions that frequently conflict with one another, Chung further noted. “However, we need to capture and dissect one of them while they are alive in order to confirm this biological association.”
Scientists presently have an application in with the Food And Drug Administration (FDA). If it is approved, it is expected that scientists will then be authorized to kidnap, without further notice, a few active politicians for medical research. We’ll try to get one that is a major liar,” Chung indicated, “since such a politician will likely have a more developed embryo, or hopefully embryos, embedded in their body.”
Some scientists have already accepted the existence of this new species as fact and have expanded upon this discovery by naming separate subspecies within the Homo politicus species. Subspecies generally are biologically compatible with other subspecies of the same species, but have distinguishing characteristics that set them apart.
To provide the public with a better understanding of these different political subspecies, scientists have given what they believe to be real-life “case examples” of each designated subspecies.
Some of the more notorious politicians named so far as representative of the various subspecies are as follows:
Scientists note that as other defining characteristics are further classified, other subspecies designations will be forthcoming.
International bank Credit Suisse, an international bank based in Switzerland, has indicated that it would re-evaluate the currency of Zimbabwe to more accurately reflect the situation in this sub-Saharan country. Additional world banks are expected to shortly thereafter follow suit.
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