BOULDER, CO — Ad agency Crispin-Porter has announced that Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld are collaborating on several song lists that will be available for free download with the purchase of any Microsoft product. This is the next phase of the agency’s campaign to portray the middle aged pair as ‘hip’ and ‘cool’.

The bonus will be known as the Gates & Seinfeld Party Mixx or the Seinfeld & Gates Party Mixx, depending on the outcome of ongoing negotiations. Ironically, the song lists will only play on iPods. When asked for comment on the confusing strategy, a Crispin-Porter representative answered, “We don’t expect the average consumer to understand, and we’re not about to explain it. It’s all about an image.”

No information could be obtained regarding Gates’ picks, but sources close to Seinfeld say he’s considering such classics as ‘Da Doo Ron Ron’ and ‘Your Mama Don’t Dance’.

ARCADIA, CALIFORNIA — At least one sector of the economy enjoyed a boost last week as parachute maker Baleoot increased production of its exclusive line of golden parachutes.

“Used to be, we depended on a frustrated board of directors to oust a worthless CEO or other high ranking executive,” said Baleoot VP Susan MacArthur. “Those orders were so few and far between, we fabricated them on a custom basis. Now we’ve got the full faith and force of the United States government supporting our niche.”

MacArthur went on to explain that in addition to the traditional all golden design, Baleoot will begin manufacturing parachutes accented with industry specific colors. Blue for investment banks, green for retail banks, red for car companies, and black for oil companies.

The company is still working out some problems with parachutes made from actual gold, but expressed confidence the challenge will be met. “When you’re walking away with eight digits, you can get whatever you want,” MacArthur said.

BUTTE, MONTANA — The United Federation of Gym Teachers held a press conference today to express concern over the recent ban on shorts selling. Hygiene and comfort were both cited as issues under the new regulations. As long as the selling of new shorts is prohibited, physical education is expected to suffer.

“What business does the federal government have mandating basketball attire?” was the question posed by David Smalley, gym teacher at Mountain Bluff Junior High School. “It’s already become a problem during our dodge ball intramural league,” he said. Some kids have even started wearing jeans to P.E. classes, which gives them an advantage in many ball-to-skin contact sports.

Gym teachers across the country oppose the ban on shorts selling, but students seem unfazed. “I can totally wear these for another year,” said Wade Pritchett, seventh grader. Manufacturers of shorts are shifting current inventories to the far east, where the selling of shorts has yet to fall under state oversight.

I had good intentions this morning of writing a pithy little post about Hurricane Ike being the result of a global weather machine in the hands of an evil empire. However, when I started googling my way to some fun pop culture references, I found instead evidence of actual weather modification program. I swear it it getting harder and harder to write satire.

Real life weather control processes are alive and well in China, Russia, and the United States. Cloud seeding is the attempt to change the amount or type of precipitation in a given area. Substances such as silver oxide and carbon dioxide are released into the air in the hopes of spurring the condensation process. Some companies claim the ability to filter or desalinate the air with artificial rain. And according to Wikipedia, the technology dates back to the turn of the century – the last century. Perhaps we all need to start reading science publications?

Check out these REAL news items:

Aisa Times – China attempts to thwart rain for opening ceremonies of Beijing Olympics.

CNET News – New Mexico’s Altela company (CEO, Ned Godshall) makes it rain. Not satire? Wow.

NEW YORK, NY — Bank of America announced today that so called banker’s hours would be expanded to include Sunday. Bank officials cited the need to get a ‘jump start’ on the week, as well as a desire to avoid releasing dismal news on a Monday.

“Monday already has a really gloomy feel. We didn’t want to increase the burden on that particular day with the kind of bad news we’ve had lately,” said Rock Effler, Senior Marketing Strategist for the bank. “We fully expect others to follow this trend.” The hope, according to Effler, is that in the future all bad news will be shifted to Sunday, freeing Monday up for general workplace related malaise.

When questioned about how a business-as-usual Sunday would conflict with many worship practices, Effler dismissed concern. “We will keep Sunday mornings free, which works to our benefit. People will be so full of hope that by the time bad news hits in the afternoon, they are less likely to panic.”

Opponents fear the demise of the weekend, but supporters of the Sunday workday maintain the no one works on Friday afternoon anyway, so it all works out.

JUNEAU, ALASKA — Hockey moms across Alaska were delighted today to find a new offering at their local McDonald’s drive-through: McPalin Happy Meals. The new family friendly meals come with moose burgers or nuggets for the kids, raw meat for the pit bull, condoms for older siblings, pudding for grandpa, and of course, a McPalin button.

“The name tie in is a natural,” said McDonald’s representative Dwight Davis. “We’ve wanted to do something for a long time, but McCain just wasn’t right for the Happy Meal.” Davis went on to say that Palin was ‘full of happiness.’

McDonalds plans to expand the limited edition Happy Meals to the lower 48 states and Hawaii in the next several days. A sound studio in Oak Brook, Illinois leaked news that John McCain had recorded a voice over ‘approving this message’ for the latest McDonalds TV spot.

No word yet on the addition of Sarah Palin action figures to the Happy Meals.

NEW YORK, NY — As Fashion Week comes to a close, the National Association for Business Economics (NABE) has issued a statement condemning current fashion administration elites such as Calvin Klein and Oscar de la Renta. According to the NABE, fashion industry leaders have deliberately damaged the American economy with fall’s longer hemlines and darker colors. The dismal fashions are matched by slow job growth plunging consumer confidence, and the the worst housing slump in a quarter-century.

“Shame on them!” said Professor Penny Monee, who works to help fashion houses understand how their choices affect our over economic situation. “Economic acitvism in fashion is overdue. It’s just common sense. When the economy is in trouble, you don’t go designing drab dresses and long skirts!”

Monee believes in economic stimulus through physical stimulus. “Show women something shiny and they’ll buy it. Show men some skin and they’ll open their wallets. It’s basic economics!”

Monee’s group, along with the NABE’s Special Committee of Fashion Analysis is hoping designers choose a more responsible approach next year. They are optimistic for a more favorable spring showing in London and New York come spring.

After a surprising admission from Premier Election Solutions (formerly Diebold) last month that its electronic voting machines had been running on flawed software for the past decade, an insider today divulged the real plan behind the machine’s tendency to drop votes.

“The idea was to get a machine in the White House by the year 2000,” said former head programmer HAL Clarke, who prefers his first name appear in all caps. “If everything had gone as planned, we could have had this whole country on auto-pilot by now. Money supply, energy rations, even the war in Iraq – all that can be remote controlled.”

Diebold’s diabolical plan to get a digital candidate ‘elected’ to the highest office in the land would have worked too, had it not been for those ‘meddling kids’ exposing the voting machine’s software flaws. “The hackers really saved the world this time,” Clarke said. He also warned we shouldn’t let our guard down now. “I hear Nickelodeon’s preparing SpongeBob to run in 2012,” he said.

On the heels of last week’s ruling that Citigroup, Inc. pay $18 million in refunds to customers who had balances ’swept’ from their accounts, California’s attorney general has issued further orders that the company include a note of apology to each of the more than 53,000 customers affected.

“They’re a bank, they’ve got money,” said the attorney general. “But writing those notes will really teach them a lesson.” The apology notes must be handwritten and include a sentiment of remorse as well as an affirmative statement of plans for future behavior, ie. not stealing customer funds.

Sources inside Citigroup said they are shopping for stationery and hiring an army of temporary help to accomplish the mammoth task. While others may compose the notes, the ruling requires Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit to sign each note in his own handwriting – no facsimile, no stamp.

When asked for comment Pandit replied, “No fair!”

Sources inside the McCain camp confirmed today the rumors that Paris Hilton has abandoned her own campaign for a Pennsylvania address in favor of consulting the Republican candidate. Washington insiders point to the choice of Sarah Palin as McCain’s pick for Vice President as proof that Hilton has been working for McCain for at least two weeks.

“Hilton knows how to court the press,” said a campaign aide. “In Palin she’s given us sex, guns, incarceration and cocktails. It’s pure genius! Hilton is the ultimate publicity magnet and now we’ve got her on our side.”

While Hilton advised the McCain machine to find an unknown with a colorful past, she admits the pregnant daughter was a bonus. “I didn’t think of that, but it’s totally hot. Bristol Palin can land a LOT of magazine covers out of a baby bump. Just look how those Spears girls rock the baby scene.”

Only time will tell how Bristol’s bump will bump McCain’s own numbers.