Just because the economy’s not booming doesn’t mean you can afford to scrimp on your wardrobe.

• Buy suits or slacks and jackets in neutral colors like black, gray and beige. This will ensure you will fit in a variety of work environments as it’s likely you will need to work several jobs to make ends meet.
• Have fun with shirts. Make sure you have button-downs and polo shirts for the office, and don’t forget some sturdy denim or corduroy for dumpster diving and building makeshift shelters.
• Add some pizazz with a sweater or vest in lightweight wool. With your insurance you can’t afford to catch a chill.
• Keep one or two heavy sweaters around for the end of the month when you’ll be walking to work. Gas isn’t getting any cheaper you know.
• Leather loafers work well in a variety of environments. Payless Shoes makes a nice leather-look alternative.
• A good-quality trench coat can take you anywhere, especially to interviews for new jobs.
• Don’t forget to express yourself with a fun tie. That’s the type of thing that could get you promoted to Assistant Manager on the night shift at Taco Bell.

Most important, recession or not, buy the very best underwear you can afford. You never know when opportunity will knock – and you can use the extra cash.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or spending too much time on the yacht) you know that cutting edge CEOs are blogging. And if Mark Cuban can do it, so can you. Here are a few tips for successful blogging.

• Learn the lingo
  A blog is a singular entity. Each entry you write is called a post. Nothing destroys net cred like mentioning how many blogs you’ve written on your blog this week.
• Strike the right balance
  It’s important to maintain your superiority while also coming across as one of ‘them’ – all those masses who buy the crap your company sells. Espouse the American Dream at every opportunity.
• Stick to business
  While you may have gotten the idea that all blogs feature snapshopts of babies and tales of woe at the supermarket, remember that no one’s sympathetic when your Rolls is in the shop or the jet was grounded for weather.
• Know that you’re not cool
  No matter how many times you heard your kid, or grandkid, or the Joe Bros say it, you can’t pull it off. K Beeyatch? Stay away from teen speak. Just saying.
• Never talk money
  Your own that is – no matter how stoked you are for tat $10 million bonus, do NOT share your enthusiasm with your readers. Complaining about your tax bracket, ivy league tuition payments, and upkeep on the Hamptons home is also a bad idea.

Most important, give of yourself when you blog. Take the time to sit down and write something of value. It’s not like you’re busy doing anything else.

Has the $700 billion fiscal bailout trickled down to your balloon-mortgaged soon-to-be-foreclosed-and-not-that-nice-looking-anyway house? While checking the really fine print with our Hubble magnifying glass, we found a provision in the bailout for the little financially-challenged people like you based on the smallest unit of bailout measurements — the bucket.

Step One – Buy a bucket.

We’re not talking one of those cute little numbers your kids take to the beach. (Who are we kidding? There aren’t going to be any more beach vacations.) Get yourself an all-American ten gallon industrial pail.

Step Two – Take the bucket to your bank.

We know you don’t have much in that measly little savings account where you deposit those birthday checks from Grandma like she tells you to, but your need isn’t amount — it’s volume. Fill the bucket with as many pennies as your out-of-shape-because-you-can’t-afford-the-gym-anymore body can carry.

Step Three – Lug the bucket to your creditors.

The pitiful sight of you and your bucket full of pennies should be enough for most creditors to either cancel your debt or at least postpone it until you can come back with a bucket full of quarters. Besides, nobody wants pennies anymore anyway, except …

Step Four – Recycle the pennies.

While distracted by the bailout, the Treasury Department failed to notice that the price of the copper used to make pennies is more than the measly value of the coins themselves (sorry, Abe). Lug you bucket to the nearest copper recycler where you’ll promptly double your money and remove that aching pain in your shoulder.

Step Five – Celebrate and make even more money.

Use your rational exuberance to make even more money with your bailout bucket. Flip it over and play a happy song about the joys of capitalism (“I Want Money” is a good one). Put the cash from the recycler in a cup in front of you and watch your money grow as guilt-ridden investment bankers drop in a few coins from their own $700 billion bailout. See, trickle-down is working!

With just a bucket and some determination, you’ll come through this thing just fine!

10. You’ve run out of cousins to bring as dates anyway.

9. Everyone’s canceling so now you’re trendy. In fact, you’re even superior to those insensitive celebratory types.

8. No more painful spike heels. And no more worries about Kyle from the mail room swiping said heels when you abandon them under your seat.

7. You don’t have to go back to your cube mate who now knows how you really feel about his motivational posters.

6. You have another year before your girlfriend finds out you’re not really Vice President of anything besides the copy machine.

5. No chance of food poisoning from overripe Ranch dressing this year.

4. You won’t feel the pain of the $75 comic.

3. No wandering around country roads looking for your boss’s Elk’s Club.

2. You won’t have to break up any fights between the "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holiday" fanatics.

And the number one reason to celebrate the cancellation of the Christmas party:

1. At home, you never run out of drink tickets.

Image Credit: markcbrennan, Flickr

North Pole — Amid worldwide economic woes this holiday season, Santa Claus announced that the elves’ annual holiday party has been canceled. 

"Parents aren’t shelling out for anything this year. Even Jews and atheists are writing me for gifts," Santa said. "Not only am I incurring additional materials and labor costs and working two full shifts, but shipping this stuff is costing me an arm and a little round belly that shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly.”  

Sources close to Santa report he’s had to acquire and train an additional fleet of reindeer just for the big night. But Santa won’t let down the kids or miss his annual cookie crawl, so his only economic recourse is to eliminate the elves’ Christmas party. 

The diminutive toymakers are furious over the cost cutting decision. "We look forward to the Christmas party all year," said Ollie Cornfelter, supervisor of the wooden toy division of Santa’s Workshop. "It’s the only time we really get to let loose. Everyone thinks he’s all cookies and milk, but even Santa knocks a few back before he heads out on his rounds. After last year’s party, we needed two big candy canes to prop him up in the sleigh."

As if the lack of festivities weren’t enough, rumors are swirling around the North Pole that no bonuses will be given this year. The village of singing elves is slowly turning into an angry mob demanding that Santa work for a dollar a year.

Santa confided that he’s concerned about disappointing the workforce, but experts say he’s got nothing to worry about. Martin Hoosier, an employment consultant who did not advise Santa Clause or Santa’s Workshop, Inc. says, "Canceling the holiday party is standard practice this year. Santa’s fine. The elves would never walk."

However, one elf who asked to remain anonymous hinted that he and his co-workers hope to have a website up and running next year that would “essentially replace the Fat Man” with a service called Santazon.com.

Image Credit: Matti Mattila, Flickr

NEW YORK, NY – In response to the continuing downturn in the economy Chanel, Hermes, and Gucci are all racing to market with upscale coupon holders for frugal fashionistas. Facing a steep decline in the sales of high-end handbags, the companies are struggling to offer a practical replacement.

“We’re responding to a change in the needs of our core customer,” said Miranda Rialto, Vice President of Marketing at Chanel. “Just because our clientele have been reduced to shopping at Target, doesn’t mean they don’t want to look good doing it.”

Other products in development include bowler hats and shoes that come with a ten-year supply of pre-cut newspaper patches – just in case. Fashion insiders are also seeing pseudo-moth-eaten woolen leggings, paper-clip earrings and sturdy denim thongs. They predict that by early 2009 the runways will be covered with this new ‘Depression Chic.’

Human rights leaders are weighing in with mixed reviews. While the manufacturing will no longer be performed in third world countries by cheap child labor, rumors abound that the fashion industry may target unemployed finance professionals for the minimum wage jobs. A representative from Amnesty International said, "What goes around, comes … I mean, that would be tantamount to torture!”

Because acceptance of any new fashion accessory is contingent upon acceptance by celebrity A-Listers, Gucci is said to be working with Paris Hilton and a top research university. Together they will create a nano-breed of dog that fits inside the diminutive coupon clutch.

Image Credit: leeproudfoot, Flickr

Consumers may have been surprised by hard rockers AC/DC to sign an exclusive deal with Walmart, but the band and the world’s largest retailer know that sex, drugs, and rock and roll always make good bedfellows.

Hoping to cash in on that same success, other brands are striking up deals with unlikely partners. Here are just a few of the deals in progress:

· Marilyn Manson is negotiating the details of his new gig as the face of Maybelline’s new line of makeup for men. Terms of the contract include development of a new blood-proof formula to the company’s popular line of mascara.

· Fredericks of Hollywood is putting the desperate back into the housewife with their new Terri Hatcher Thigh High/Running shoe, for the sexy woman who wants to remain underweight. These will be available only at J.C. Penney’s.

· Jim Beam announced today a strategic alliance with Starbucks. The coffee retailer and the liquor company will both benefit by working together to create a caffeinated whiskey blend that gets you high and sobers you up at the same time. Finally, value in a six-dollar cup of coffee.

· Eli Lilly is teaming up with General Mills to provide an easy dosage option for kids with attention deficit disorders. One bowl of cereal in the morning and parents won’t have to worry about their kids going cuckoo as a Cocoa Puff by noon.

· Heidi Fleiss is working on a deal with Chuck E. Cheese that will alleviate the agony of your kid’s pizza party. Weary parents will have the option to visit a ‘special stall’. Rumor is that tokens will be accepted and tickets are redeemable for condoms and lubricating jelly.

Are you a plumber upset by the sudden competition for all those lucrative pipe snakings? Maybe you’ve lost your seven-figure salary due to some ‘off balance sheet’ accounting. While things may look bleak, there are plenty of jobs to be had by the industrious. According to the Association for American Opportunists, here are five high paying jobs you can get now.

Arsonist
While torching soon-to-be foreclosed homes and cars may seem like a no-brainer, many people just don’t have the stomach for it. That’s where you come in. As a professional arsonist you can command a healthy fee for a job that doesn’t take long and offers a flexible schedule. Start small by offering your to burn down the neighbors tool shed – you know he’s not current on those riding lawn mower payments!

Piggy Bank Mosaic Artist
Now is the time to get into the mosaic business. With more people breaking into their piggy banks, ceramic shards are everywhere and free for the taking. Because this is technically recycling, you may be able to get your hands on some government grants. And remember, soup bowls will be in demand.

Hummer Converter
Construction work may be hard to come by, but clever carpenters can make big bucks converting gas-guzzling Hummers into livable residences. Roomier than a refrigerator box and cheaper to heat than a trailer, converted Hummers are the perfect solution for those who once lived beyond their means.

Husband to Madonna
With Guy Ritchie out of the picture, this field is wide open. However, be warned that Madonna’s lack of preference for gender will create fierce competition for this position. If Madonna’s taken, try for Cloris Leachman. (Some dancing ability may be required.) Either way, make sure to renew your subscription to AARP magazine and clip your Poligrip coupons first.

Professional Vetter
After the mayhem over McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate, politicians everywhere are taking more interest in the backgrounds of those they associate with. Work is everywhere. All you have to do is uncover dirty little secrets. Somewhere there’s a PTA board member who hates arts and crafts, a Toyota salesman driving a Prius, and guy dating Jennifer Aniston, but pining for Brad Pitt.

The Association for American Opportunists encourages job seekers to remember that old rules do not apply. Suits and ties say ‘I’m a liar who’ll steal your money and sabotage your economy’. Now is the time to dumb down your knowledge of the English language and get a new tattoo. Carrying a 6-pack can’t hurt either. If you’re lucky and work hard, you may just get one of those high falutin’ plumber jobs one day.

NEW YORK, NY – CNBC announced today they will roll out new financial program ‘Hard on Cash’, starring Brat Pitt and George Clooney. The network hopes to capture market share among female viewers by featuring Pitt and Clooney covering topics related to household finances while wearing unbuttoned shirts and tight fitting trousers.

Clooney draws on his experience playing a TV doctor to help families decrease health care costs by teaching families how to provided their own medical treatment. Pitt is expected to focus on managing the household budget while raising 612 kids.

You won’t catch CNBC’s other popular Money Honeys, Erin Burnett and Maria Bartiromo, working with Clooney and Pitt. “They’re very small men who would look like midgets next to the ladies,” said a network executive. “Besides Angelina Jolie has forbidden Pitt to appear on screen with another woman, including Clooney in drag.”

While the primary audience for ‘Hard on Cash’ will be female, the network also hopes to appeal to a male audience with such features as how to make your annual salary in one casino heist, buying your next Italian villa at below market price, and saving money by only shaving every other day.

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT – Approximately one month after People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) publicly called for ice cream giant Ben & Jerry’s to replace the cow’s milk in its ice cream with human breast milk, founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield held a press conference at their South Burlington headquarters and announced the company will comply with the request and set a goal of using all breast milk in their ice cream by 2010.

“It seemed kind of gross at first,” said Greenfield, “but once we chilled out and put our heads together, it made sense on so many levels.” The high cost of cow’s milk has hit the ice cream makers hard. Ben & Jerry’s hopes to keep the cost of human breast milk down by obtaining it voluntarily from lactating employees and their spouses or partners, franchisees, loyal fans and Angelina Jolie. All suppliers will eventually be required to become vegans and provide organic breast milk.

“Breast milk fits right into our new marketing plans,” says Cohen. “Have you ever noticed that a cone looks kind of like a breast? And two cones look like Madonna’s breasts?” Cohen hinted that new flavors are already in the works, including Yo Mama Banana, Hooters Orange Creamsicle and Fudge Ripple Nipple.

“Breast milk is perfect for the new millennium,” said Greenfield. “We’d been milking – I can’t believe I just said that – this hippie thing for far too long anyway.” PETA strongly endorses the move and has offered to provide nude supermodels covered in chocolate syrup and peanuts for promotions.

Will other ice cream manufacturers follow suit? Hoping to be the first to market with 31 unique flavors of breast milk ice cream, Baskin Robbins is reportedly working with nutritionists to tweak the diets of lactating women to get milk with crushed Oreos already in it.