NY, NY- In a desperate attempt to avoid another fiasco like Windows Vista, Bill Gates has staged a hostile takeover of Glaceau, aka Energy Brands.  The New York City based company is the producer of Smart Water.  It’s rumored that the takeover cost considerably less than the amount spent for Mojave Experiment commercials.

Initially, Gates became interested in Smart Water when he found out that Apple employees used it while working on the iPhone concept. At one point they were thinking of calling it the iCell and making apple shaped buttons on the keypad but after using Smart Water, Apple chose the name iPhone and used a touch screen. Smart!

The water’s effectiveness was confirmed in a study released by Harvard School of Medicine late last week, it was found that Smart Water will raise a subject’s IQ by as much as ten points. Their control group was given a dosage of 128 ounces (one gallon) per 12 hour period. A Microsoft insider reported that Gates has upped consumption to 1028 ounces per 12 hours for all employees.

The Bobby Builder Construction company of  Redmond, Washington, confirmed an order for an additional 600 bathrooms that are to be completed at the Microsoft facilities before the end of the year. They also hinted that the bathrooms would come equipped with a foldout desk for use with a laptop.

All Smart Water has been removed from supermarkets and funneled to an undisclosed location. Gates plans on replacing Smart Water in stores with a new product to help consumers forget about it: Sexy Water.

Is your boss insisting on that lame costume party for Halloween again? Tired of going as Bill Gates or Leona Helmsley year after year? Why not try for one of these trendy new looks?

Sarah Palin-The costume comes with a beehive wig, designer glasses and a set of brass cojones. Available exclusively to NRA members. ( Rifle sold seperately.)

Iron Man-the Barack Obama edition. Cutout of John McCain as Mandarin is supplied. Available at www.iwannabeasuperhero.org

Hugh Hefner-Complete with a red silk robe and three anatomically altered Playboy Bunnies. Find this costume at www.bunniesareus.org (Additional fees of $500.00 per hour per bunny apply if you keep them overnight.)

Angelina Jolie-This outfit comes with a case of stick-on tattoos, a bottle of mega weight-loss pills, five kids and a straight jacket. (Small children can be leased for a nominal fee.) Go to www.overpopulatingtheworld.net for more details.

Hugh Laurie-Boxed set includes ugly tennis shoes, cane, a three month prescription of generic Vicoden and a list of 50 smart ass remarks in case you can’t think of your own. Lists that are specially tailored to your profession can be purchased for $75.00 per 25 remarks. A sample list can be found at www.i’maneuroticsmartass.com .

Photo courtesy of Flickr

Joe Biden filed a discrimination suit in US Circuit court today against HeroBuilders.com. The company has manufactured action figures of Obama, McCain and Palin but not Biden. A spokesperson for Senator Biden stated that “The Senator has been in touch with the ACLU and been informed that Hero Builders are clearly violating his civil rights.”

Biden had this to say when reporters interviewed him. “I don’t understand why I’m being ignored in the elec . . . pardon me, the action figure venue. Even John Edwards has a doll and he’s not even on the ballot.”

Representatives of HeroBuilder.com are in talks to settle out of court. An insider said “Hero Builders isn’t willing to commit to a full fledged action figure but may release a Plushie if the Senator is willing to compromise.”

“With the rising fuel costs, gangs are going to jog-by shootings. That means their members need to be in tip top physical shape,” says BCBS spokesperson Emma Johnson. “More and more of the gangs are requiring physicals before you join and we want to tap the market while it’s hot.”

“Yeah, we tried rolling in a Prius but there ain’t even enough room up in there for a dozen AK-47-s. Man need a rocket launcher, he can forget about it,” gang leader Smokey D told us. “Now we got a weight room and some souped up treadmills. We just grab a gun and some Nikes and we’re ready to rumble.”

Then new True Blue Gangsta physicals will include cholesterol screening, a high blood pressure and diabetes check and a thorough cardio screening for half the price of a normal physical. The thing that makes the new plan so affordable is that there will be no testing for drugs or STD’s. “Our customers will only be paying for the services they need,” stated Ms. Johnson. “It’s a win-win situation.”

BCBS is currently offering this pilot program in Los Angeles and New York City only. They anticipate a 32% increase in sales this quarter and an even bigger jump next year when they will offer their program to gangs in all 50 states.