As Wall Street continues its stunning downward spiral, many investors and former regulators have been discussing the actions (or lack thereof) of the Chairman of the Securities and Exchange commissioner Chris Cox. Wall Street’s “top cop” has been available in recent days as the full brunt of the crisis has unfolded. But two weeks ago, Cox was a near invisible man in the financial sector. Reporters, investors and politicians have been wondering where Cox has been. Now, due to some intrepid reporting, Cox’s whereabouts have been determined.

As it turns out Chris Cox has spent the last 2 years traveling the highways and byways of America following Austin TX based country music stalwarts Asleep at the Wheel. Front man for Asleep at the Wheel Ray Benson said of his biggest fan, “Man, he’s seen us play “The Letter That Johnny Walker Read” at least 30 times this year!”

Indeed Chris Cox has spent months and months wandering from venues like Branson Missouri’s’ Silver Dollar City to Tulsa Oklahoma’s Million Dollar Elm Casino completely enraptured with the sounds of Country and Western swing.

When reached for comment on this shocking development, Chris Cox said “When George brought me on in 2005, I agreed to take the job only if I was able to have enough time for personal projects. George asked me what kind of personal projects I had in mind and I told him ‘I’ll probably be at Asleep at the Wheel’. He just smiled and told me that’s what he had in mind the whole time.”

In a move pressured by federal regulators, Merrill Lynch, the world’s largest financial broker, will be purchased by Bank of America for $29 a share, or $43.5 billion from local Hackensack, New Jersey used car salesman Tony “Legs” Rigtilliano.

Things looked dour for Merrill Lynch when Morgan Stanley turned down a possible acquisition of the brokerage house. Federal regulators seeking a suitor for Lynch eventually turned to Mr. Rigtilliano. “We felt confident that Mr. Rigtilliano could get the job done and save Merrill Lynch from certain doom at the hands of their own greed and avarice. Besides, I heard he sold Deputy Secretary Kimmitt a 2002 Ford Focus and even got him to buy the undercoating. Whatever the hell that is” said treasury department spokesperson Annie O’Hanly.

In a stroke of good fortune, Mr. Rigtilliano was available to assist in the negotiations as he had just reached his sales quota after selling a broken-down Kia Sorento to a couple that barely spoke English. When reached for comment Mr. Rigtilliano said, “My ma told me I could sell horse crap to a manure salesman. Other than that time I tricked a tool into buying a Sportage what had the doors ripped off ‘cause I told ‘em it was a ‘open-air special edition’ this is probably my biggest scam job yet!”

Merrill Lynch is facing a severe round of layoffs in the wake of the merger. Those layoffs are expected to include CEO John Thain. “It’s over,” said one senior Merrill official. On a positive note, federal regulators suggest that there is a new career opening up to the workforce Merrill Lynch is letting go. Federal regulator Richard Hurtz explains, “Every single used car lot we went to was hiring repo-men. It was uncanny.”