They didn’t name our country after Columbus because he hedged his bets dammit, and I’m not going to do that either. That’s right….Buzz said it. This market has BOTTOMED.

Now, you may ignorantly ask, what makes me qualified to make such an observation?

Well, for starters, I almost got a job at Edward Jones. The fact of the matter is, they just needed a little more front-money than I happened to have on hand at that particular time. Plus, I had one less personal bankruptcy than the guy that did end up getting that branch….so you know it was close.

Despite this setback, I have spent hours every month learning the ins and outs of a certain profession, known to the laymen as “stock brokering”. Basically, Buzz knows things that you don’t know. Like how to understand that contrary opinions happen to be more profitable than their agreeable compadres.

So while everyone else has been running around like Chicken Little, Buzz has been cool as ice, putting $50 extra into his sharebuilder account every month, calling for full speed ahead in unloved assets like Lehman Brothers, National City Bank and even Yahoo.

Bottom line? When Buzz calls a bottom, Wall Street listens.

And you should too.

New York – Wall Street spiraled lower for the second straight session Wednesday as record-high oil prices and a poor report from the Federal Reserve deepened investors’ worry that other investors would become worried.

“It absolutely scares the hell out of us when we start thinking about how scared other traders must be getting. It captures the tug-of-war between the two things that move stock prices, fear and greed…and crystallizes how different those two things are,” said Bob Tsongus, chief investment strategist for MissionBeta Capital. “I mean, obviously none of us have any idea what these companies are really worth. It’s more like a game of hot potato. And let me tell you, this potato is really really hot. Or cold, whatever.” Continue reading »

Palo Alto, CA – Upon learning that facebook traffic declined by 10% last month, CEO Mark Zuckerberg made a stunning concession on Monday that revealed a new up-and-coming competitor for the social network. “Look, for years now we have been amazingly successful at tricking college kids into thinking that facebook actually was the fuckin internet….I guess they’re just wising up” Zuckerberg said, adding that he was personally shocked that “even Microsoft fell for it.” Some facebook staffers were not so sure, pointing out that the internet doesn’t have “like, you know, cool applications like photo sharing, chat or online games and stuff. I mean, we have an A-P-I….does the internet do that?” According to high-level sources, one possible turnaround plan includes an IPO and subsequent acquisition of a “real media company that makes profits and stuff” using company stock.