Financial giant Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. has traded $12 million in real estate assets to the New York Jets for quarterback Brett Favre.

Lehman chairman and CEO Richard S. Fuld, Jr. stated that Favre’s expertise at improvising and making something out of nothing is sorely needed at Lehman Brothers in the wake of filing for the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history. “All I know is that it’s fourth and long for Lehman. There’s no one else I’d rather trust to come through for us than Number Four,” Fuld said.

Though 38 years old, Favre is coming off one of his best seasons, in which he threw for 4,155 yards and 28 touchdowns, and paid off the mortgages on his vacation homes in Mississippi and Wisconsin. Favre is renowned for his last-second heroics and gunslinger attitude—a mindset which occasionally leads him to make ill-advised throws into double-coverage and award high-risk loans to questionable borrowers.

“I’m here to help Lehman Brothers win,” said Favre at his introductory press conference, where he appeared relaxed in his customary Wrangler jeans, gray T-shirt, stubble and aw-shucks grin. “There’s a lot of similarities between the West Coast Offense and running a global financial services firm. I’m still learning a lot of the terminology, but I think I can make some big plays for us down the road.”

Before he left the podium, a reporter asked Favre if he would commit to Lehman Brothers for more than one year.

“We’ll see,” Favre said.

The Coca-Cola Company, the world’s largest beverage firm, vowed to consumers and shareholders that it would produce 1000 varieties of Coca-Cola by 2015.

“By differentiating our brand beyond the point of recognition, we’ll ensure that there’s a Coke for literally every potential beverage market in the civilized world,” said Coke President and CEO Muhtar Kent. “Rest assured, there is no random combination of fruity syrups we won’t mix together, and no slapdash tweaking of our iconic brand that we won’t foist on thirsty consumers.”

In 2009 the Coca-Cola Company will roll out new brands including Peppermint Coke, Coca-Cola with Mango, Coca-Cola Fudge, Birthday Coke, Coca-Colada, Olive Coke, Spicy Coke, and Coca-Cola with Pepsi.

Convenience stores and supermarkets nationwide are scrambling to accommodate the additional flavors. A Piggly Wiggly spokesman said the grocer will stop selling pet food and cat litter in order to clear the necessary shelf space. Some 7-11 stores will replace restrooms with additional refrigeration units to house the increased stock of 20-ounce bottles.

Space is a concern even at Coca-Cola headquarters in Atlanta, where the company has begun construction of a three-story vending machine that will dispense all 1000 Coca-Cola varieties. Coke’s child daycare facility was demolished earlier this year to make room for the structure.

Coca-Cola stock jumped eleven cents per share after the announcement. It rose an additional twenty cents when Kent vehemently denied speculation that Coca-Cola II, or “New Coke,” would be one of the 1000 flavors.

The Food and Drug Administration has withheld final approval of Vigoryn, a new drug from Pfizer, stating that Vigoryn’s benefits, side effects, ingredients and chemical structure are all nearly identical to those of methamphetamine.

Vigoryn, touted as an answer to lethargy, low libido, excess body fat, and shyness, has proven effective in agency reviews at treating this wide variety of ailments. However, the FDA expressed concerns over side effects including diarrhea, pervasive sweating, irregular or flailing movements, rapid tooth decay, and incessant muttering about needing to “score some more fucking Vigoryn.”

At a press conference, a Pfizer spokesman contended that Vigoryn’s safety profile compared favorably to similar drugs on the market. When pressed to name drugs comparable to Vigoryn, the spokesman became belligerent, vowing to “stab each and every one of you with a rusty fork.” He then apologized profusely and collapsed into a ball beneath the podium, crying.

The FDA’s decision is yet another blow to Pfizer, the world’s largest drug maker, in their efforts to push Vigoryn onto the market. Last month, Pfizer shares fell 21 cents after three employees were killed in an explosion at Pfizer’s primary Vigoryn production facility, located in a trailer park in Riverside County, California.

Hot on the heels of purchasing Anheuser-Busch, beverage giant InBev has reached an agreement to buy eight-year-old Jimmy Forrester’s Lemonade Stand for $113.48, ending weeks of speculation about a possible hostile takeover and ouster of Forrester, company CEO.

The deal, paid in the form of a contribution to Forrester’s college fund plus a copy of Madden NFL 09 for the Nintendo Wii, adds yet another iconic brand to InBev’s stable of beverages, including Beck’s, Budweiser and Stella Artois.

From humble beginnings as a converted cardboard box that once housed the Forresters’ new refrigerator, Jimmy Forrester’s Lemonade Stand rose to become the leading citrus-based beverage producer of Wedgewood Street in South Sioux City, Nebraska. Initially, local patrons reacted strongly against the purchase of this family-owned company, founded in the early days of summer vacation in June. Forrester tried to diversify his brand, adding sugar-free lemonade to his menu in an effort to drive stock prices out of reach. However, the company’s principal shareholders, Forrester’s mom and dad, finally consented to the purchase once their son had to return to school for the fall.

Terms of the deal include amending the name of the company to Jimmy Forrester’s Anheuser-Busch InBev. In addition, Forrester will be given a seat on the board of directors. However, his ability to participate in meetings during school hours is pending approval from his new third-grade teacher, Mrs. Stinchley, reputed to be “a real witch,” by a source requesting anonymity.