Often times, colleagues are too busy doing their jobs to recognize just how important you are. They fail to get your input on the latest big project or leave you out of a luncheon with your company’s biggest client.

Not only is this frustrating, it’s an attack on your ego and should be taken personally.

Here are ten quick ways to exert your power within your office and gain the respect you deserve from colleagues: Continue reading »

Ever find yourself daydreaming about cocktail hour when you’re supposed to be listening to a colleague’s strategic plans for leveraging online initiatives to gain greater market share?

Before you know it, they’re throwing around words like “paradigm” and three letter acronyms like SEO. You’re standing in the hallway stuck between your office and another cup of coffee while they go on and on and on.

Whether you’re bored to tears or completely clueless, you can easily feign interest and acumen on any given business topic with just the right selection of well-timed phrases.

To help you through inordinately long and yawn-inducing office conversations, we put together a quick list of comments that can: 1.) offer an insightful perspective, and 2.) bring the conversation to a swift end. Continue reading »

…who may or may not have a clue about how to run a business.

Dear Employees,

We’ve had a banner year. It’s great to lead such a motivated team that does whatever it takes to get the job done.

That being said, I’d like to remind everybody about our vacation policy. Most of you have two weeks…that includes vacation days, personal days, and sick days. If you’re going to be out, I’m going to need, at least, a two-week notice. Obviously, there are exceptions–you don’t always know when you’re going to be sick. But a doctor’s note will do just fine as long as you can hand it over for your personal file within 24 hours of returning to work. Continue reading »

Atlanta, Ga. – Airlines in the United States rejoiced upon receiving an intercepted recording from the terrorist group al-Qaeda, according to reports from government and flight industry insiders.

Details of the message’s content were sketchy but included a statement from high-ranking officers in the terrorist organization that claimed the group was “finished trying to hijack planes” and that the add-on charges for flight amenities and overall stinginess of the airlines were the main reasons for their new policy of “never flying again”.

“This is awesome!” Delta spokesperson Tammy Fisher crowed. “By removing all the expensive and exhausting security procedures from ticketing and boarding procedures, we can finally afford to treat our passengers with dignity again.”

Members of the Islamofascist network were angry but resigned to the realities of the faltering industry, which continues to be weakened by rising fuel costs.

“In the name of Allah and all that is holy”, shrieked Muhammad El Shabaz, Osama Bin Laden’s number two man, “the increased fee for carry on bags alone is enough to question Jihad.”

Despondent suicide-bomber/pilot Kaliph Mustafah also chimed in, “I was all set to bring my vengeful fiery wrath upon the decadent western infidels but, c’mon, $2 for a Diet Sprite?! America truly is the Great Satan.”

Continental Airline executives were ecstatic, issuing a press release stating, “Our policy of ‘frill-free’ flying and charging customers for the pettiest of conveniences has finally paid off. Through our lack of foresight and unwillingness to listen to our customer base, we have joined George W. Bush and his administration’s winning vision in this great battle against terrorism.”

SILICON VALLEY – Michael Arrington of TechCrunch and Jason Calacanis of Mahalo and Twitter and FriendFeed and email newsletters and “fire your PR person” fame will be announcing a new event at next month’s TechCrunch 50 event, a launch pad for start-ups. Dubbed KidCrunch 50, the event will take place December 24 and 25, 2008 at the Moscone Center in San Francisco, California. Designed as a launch event for companies with executives aged 17 and under.

While the age limitation seemed exclusive, Calacanis explained that the duo are looking to “kill DEMO as well as our own TechCrunch 50 event. I mean, we have to get these kids when they are young in order to really kill DEMO. They are looking for people with experience and some kind of business plan thing. We just want to get these kids before they get that experience or those business plans. Then we’re sure to kill DEMO, and if we kill our own launch conference in the process, so be it. And hey, go comment on my dogs’ pictures on Flickr!”

Even more curious than the age limit are the dates chosen for the event, which will conflict with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When asked about the conflict, Arrington replied, “What the hell do these kids need Christmas for? If they get into our event, that’s better than anything Santa could give them! Who needs Santa when you have TechCrunch coverage?”

Mad Money host and giant red cranium owner Jim Cramer announced today that he will be selling off what’s left of his reputation and dignity at an open auction at “Bubba’s Repo-Auction house” in Sprott Alabama.

“Makes perfect sense to me! Bubba’s has a fine reputation as one of the premiere auction houses in Sprott!” screamed Cramer to no one in particular from a small dark closet at CNBC headquarters adding, “Buy Bear Sterns!” before smashing a red button with his forehead, putting on boxing gloves for no reason and passing out from oxygen depravation.

The auction has generated quite a bit of buzz in the financial world drawing potential buyers from as far away as Wetumpka. “I was headed over to Sprott to look for some parts for my 1977 Pinto and the wife asked if I could put a few dollars aside for the Cramer guy’s crap. She said she figured she could use it get a show on Fox business since no one watches it anyway” says local farmer and entrepreneur Armstead “Tater” Arnold.

Mr. Bubba Brannon of Bubba’s auction house echoed the excitement generated by the announcement “Yeah, I never heard of this dick, but I figured that I’d give him a good spot in the auction line-up.” Currently, it is rumored that the sale of Cramer’s dignity and reputation will be sandwiched between the only two items at the auction that have generated more buzz than Cramer, a tractor engine with less than 150,000 miles on it and a stolen 1992 Camaro IROC-Z with a smashed steering column.

When reached for comment Cramer’s former cohost Larry Kudlow said “Cramer’s reputation isn’t worth shit and it’ll be fun to watch him go down in flaming ball of cow piss right there in the armpit of North America! What am I doing these days? I got a line on some vacation property in Destin Florida if you’re inetersted. Hey!.. Where you going?!”

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