CareerCast.com, a new job site, evaluated 200 professions to determine the best and worst jobs in America based on five criteria: environment, income, employment outlook, physical demands and stress. Career.com did not answer calls to find out why it didn’t also evaluate more important criteria such as the size of front steps for smokers, hours before late-arrivals are towed from handicapped parking spots, responsiveness of elevator buttons to frantic pushing by people late for meetings and distance to the nearest Starbucks.
According to the study, the ratings add up to mathematician being the best job in America, followed by actuary (a mathematician with a B average), statistician (mathematician in Vegas), biologist (mathematician who took biology to meet girls) and software engineer (rich mathematician). At the other end of the job scale, the worst job in America is lumberjack (apparently flannel shirts do not provide good protection from falling redwoods), followed by dairy farmer (milking cramps), taxi driver (middle finger cramps), seaman (too much seasickness) and EMT (too much see sickness).
Of course, the average American has no chance of getting a job as a mathematician, either because he doesn’t like math or he’s a she. And the average American would never work as a lumberjack, especially after seeing any of the 30-odd sequels to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What the average American is qualified for is a mediocre job. So, straight from the middle of the Best and Worst Jobs in America listing, here are the 10 Most Mediocre Jobs In America:
Typist: You know you’re mediocre when you know what a “carriage return” is.
Pharmacist: The only drug pushers who can’t accept payment in sex.
Piano tuner: No matter how hard you try, you can’t fix bad playing.
Bookbinder: People who think “Kindle” is a four-letter word.
Teacher’s Aide: Cafeteria worker without the hairnet allowance.
Forklift operator: A Top 10 job until they outlawed impaling.
Correction officer: It’s nothing like those “Women in Chains” movies.
Meter reader: The high point of your day is beating the dog to the gate.
Chauffeur: Cab driver without the joy of swearing.
Dishwasher: No chance to spit in someone’s food.