With my credit cards maxed out, checking account emptied out and all my watches pawned out, I can’t afford $35 to buy “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” and find out how he overcame similar obstacles to become the richest man on the planet who never sold drugs … well, I can’t verify that because I can’t afford the book. However, I managed to spend a few minutes in my favorite brick-and-mortar bookstore drinking coffee and pretending to read the book like everyone else in the place who’s too young to remember libraries. I had barely skimmed the jacket before the clerk snatched the book away and brushed off the crumbs from the cookie I smuggled in from home … have you priced the biscotti lately? So, here’s my review of the book jacket of “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” by Alice Schroeder.

Warren Buffett must be old because his cover picture is in the shadows – like those publicity shots they do of Hollywood actresses once they reach 30. I guess he wants us to think he’s frugal because he’s wearing reading glasses that went out of style with papyrus.

On the inside front flap, it says that Buffett is known as “The Oracle of Omaha.” Talk about lucky. Had his parents moved a few miles away, he could have ended up as “The Lunatic of Lincoln.” The flap says this is a “great American story.” I guess that means Sarah Palin is probably reading a copy purchased for her by the Republican National Committee.

The back flap shows a picture of author Alice Schroeder and says she was a noted insurance industry analyst and writer who was a managing director at Morgan Stanley. Apparently when you write a book you get to write the glowing flap copy too. She first met Warren Buffett when she published research on Berkshire Hathaway and they’ve been friends ever since. That means she didn’t find any pictures of him playing bridge with Bill Gates and a couple of strippers … or if she did, she’s saving them for a much bigger advance. According to the flap, Ms. Schroeder was born in Texas and now lives in Connecticut. She probably moved there hoping she’d someday get the nickname “The Bard of Bridgeport.”

All in all, the jacket of “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” was a thought-provoking flap-turner from start to finish. I highly recommend it to anyone who has already read everything in the basket in the bathroom.

Addam Smythe claims to be the great-great-grandson of Adam Smith, the father of modern economics. After a successful Hollywood career managing movie extras, stand-ins and seat fillers, Smythe used his connections and mail-order MBA to fulfill his dream of following in his alleged ancestor’s footsteps. Changing his name slightly to fulfill the basic requirement for living in Beverly Hills, Addam Smythe became the Economist to the Stars. Capitalistbanter.com welcomes Mr. Smythe to our staff to answer your financial questions.

Dear Addam Smythe,

I just turned 59 and decided it’s time to start thinking about saving up for my retirement. What do you recommend I do?

Elbert in Omaha

Dear Elbert,

I suggest you ask your employer to begin deducting 25% of your net income and deposit it directly into a special checking account. Discipline yourself to use this checking account for one purpose: to purchase the kneepads you will need while begging your children to let you live with them.

Addam

Dear Mr. Smythe,

My eccentric uncle passed away recently and left me his home which he built out of soap in an attempt to cash in on what he called the “housing bubbles.” Is there anything I can do with it?

Barb in Seattle

Dear Barb,

Soap homes were once popular in countries where trees were considered to be gods. Perhaps you can find one of the remaining members of the Oakodox Church and hold an open house. A plate of toast burnt with the shape of maples might help.

Addam

Dear Addam Smythe,

What will be the “next big thing?”

Joe in Toledo

Dear Joe,

The “next big thing” will be green crayons. Billions of half-used crayons end up in landfills every June when school lets out, forming a waxy buildup on the planet that is threatening to cause Earth to slip out of orbit. Fifty-four nations have signed the Crayoto Treaty calling for a ban on crayon sales, a move that would cripple elementary education and leave refrigerators doors across the country uncovered, hurting the critical magnet industry. A market is building for an alternative. Put your money in green crayons.

Addam

Got a question for Addam Smythe, Economist to the Stars? Leave it in a comment.