If you’re like me (and if you are, let me just warn you ahead of time that therapy doesn’t help), you read the story about John Thain (former Merrill Lynch CEO who sold the company to Bank of America for $50 billion and a Senate seat to be named later) spending $35,000 on a toilet for his office and you thought, “Are you kidding me? Where can I get one of those?”

This top-of-the line toilet is one of a kind and its purchase was probably not covered by any home or contents insurance premium. Why Mr. Thain purchased it might be mind-boggling and absurd to many. But it’s definite that he had something in mind when he bought this fancy bathroom fixture. A toilet that costs $35,000 may seem like an extravagance, but anyone trying to sell real estate in this market knows that the commode is the one part of an office or dwelling that not only holds its value, it can actually increase the total selling price, especially if the potential buyer “makes a big deposit” while looking and doesn’t have to flush twice, jiggle the handle or attempt to improvise a plunger out of a toothbrush and a Dixie cup.

So, what exactly did John Thain get for his $35,000? Here’s a list of features on his classy commode that will make any plumber crack a smile wider than the smile cracking from his coveralls:

Direct input pipeline to a fresh mountain spring.

Direct output pipeline to a secret sanitation plant that searches for jewelry accidentally dropped in.

Special fast flush option for pharmaceutical emergencies.

Antique 1400-year-old porcelain bowl from the Dung Dynasty.

Bidet for visits from trophy girlfriend.

Disappearing bidet for visits from wife.

Bark-operated seat lifter so pet dog can drink.

Purr-operated lid-lowering option for when wife’s cat tries to use it.

Self-jiggling handle.

Score-keeping display for game of aiming stream at target on bottom of bowl.

Rolls of paper made from recycled subprime mortgages.

Verified autograph and inspection sticker from Joe the Plumber.

In an interview after asking Congress for a “stand-by line of credit” that he hopes he won’t have to tap, Ford CEO Alan Mulally said he’d work for $1 per year if his firm had to take any of the government loan money. Based on the trouble the auto industry is in, that’s probably what the board at Ford should be paying him already. In addition to the CEOs of General Motors and Chrysler, here’s a few more grossly overpaid people whose salaries should be reduced to the buck they’re worth:

Donald Trump: make it two bucks so he can still get his hair cut.

Dr. Phil McGraw: he can use the buck to ride the bus to the next psych ward Britney checks into.

Rachael Ray: roll it in a ball and stuff it in her mouth … please!

Katie Couric: give it to her in nice shiny perky dimes.

Simon Cowell: it’s what he’s earned so far on Taylor Hicks.

David Beckham: he should give it to the first person who can guess what sport he plays.

Leslie Moonves, CBS CEO: for making us watch another season of “Survivor”

Alex Rodriguez: get a loan from Madonna.

Lance Armstrong: for dumping Kate Hudson.

Oprah Winfrey: a buck every year until she gives the entire country a car.

Tom Cruise: stick over your other eye.

Bill Gates: the profit generated so far by Vista

The Walton family: what they spend on health care for part-time Wal-Mart employees.

Mark Cuban: better save it to buy smokes in prison.

Michael Phelps: just because he can eat all that junk food and not gain weight.

With public transportation ridership surging due to the recession, many upper-middle-class Americans are riding buses and trains for the first time since that one day in fourth grade when daddy’s chauffer called in sick, the maid was hiding from INS and mommy couldn’t bear to be seen at school driving last year’s Mercedes. While taking public transportation saves money and is better for the environment than flying a private jet 10 miles to avoid driving through “those” neighborhoods, it can be dangerous to board without knowing the unwritten rules of bus and train riding. To help you avoid getting stabbed with an umbrella, bitten by the man who lives in the back row or dumped off in a dark alley by a driver who doesn’t recognize you from the 2005 Forbes 500, here are some Etiquette Rules For Public Transportation:

It’s called a bus “shelter,” not a shanty or cell or outhouse — no matter how much it may smell like any of them.

Running to catch a bus is OK — flagging down a cop to stop it for you is not.

If you lack the correct change, don’t hold things up by trying to convince the driver to take your company’s stock.

Never sit next to a woman holding a baby — she may have just changed it on the seat.

If you step on someone’s foot, apologize in every language you know until you get a nod back.

Unless it’s the kind you need for your colon, don’t put your bag on the empty seat next to you.

Hand sanitizer is for your hands — not the seat, the floor, the window or the passenger next to you.

The window does not open — it’s better to sweat than ask another passenger to blow on you.

If you don’t want it to be placed between two slices of bread and fed to you, don’t talk on your cell phone.

Even if you have a note from your doctor, pregnant women will still kick your butt for a seat.

Never speak to the person next to you unless he says, “Do you want to live?”

If you are standing and your crotch is in the face of someone sitting, it’s better to move before your fantasy becomes obvious to her or the other passengers.

If you’re sitting and the crotch of someone standing is in your face, avoid all urges to lick your lips.

If the bus is crowded and your stop is approaching, “Excuse me” works better than “I’m wearing a bomb!”

If you miss your stop, don’t blame the driver unless you know for certain the recession is ending tomorrow and you don’t need any more rides.

Remember when Chrysler announced it is closing all 30 of its manufacturing plants for a month in an attempt to counter the most severe downturn in U.S. auto sales in more than two decades? Gee, it wasn’t that long ago that everyone from President Bush down to lonely barbers thought that “cut-and-run” was a bad idea. Isn’t there something Chrysler can do with these plants while they’re idle to make some cash on the side and avoid being the biggest automotive embarrassment since the show ‘Pimp My Yugo’? As a favor to help Chrysler dodge a bullet, here are fifteen things it can do to make money with these buildings (I hope they remember this when I’m ready to trade in my Prius):

Temporary holding cell for Bernie Madoff, Rod Blagojevich and Plaxico Burress.

Place for the Detroit Lions to hide until the season is over.

Factory for making lead Hot Wheels toys to send to China.

Retraining center for CEOs about to become janitors.

Reception hall for the next Smith family reunion.

Distillery for turning unused ethanol back into corn mash whisky.

Recycling center for converting Hummers into mobile homes.

Storage for unsold copies of Sarah Palin’s biography.

Oven for cremating Christmas fruitcakes.

Arena Football Hall of Fame.

Movie studio for filming “Doctor Detroit II: Being A Ho’s Not So Bad Now.”

Tracks for indoor NASCAR series.

Factory for turning corporate jets into hybrids.

Closet for Cher.

Museum for Dinosaurs and Union Jobs.