If you’re like me (and if you are, let me just warn you ahead of time that therapy doesn’t help), you read the story about John Thain (former Merrill Lynch CEO who sold the company to Bank of America for $50 billion and a Senate seat to be named later) spending $35,000 on a toilet for his office and you thought, “Are you kidding me? Where can I get one of those?”

This top-of-the line toilet is one of a kind and its purchase was probably not covered by any home or contents insurance premium. Why Mr. Thain purchased it might be mind-boggling and absurd to many. But it’s definite that he had something in mind when he bought this fancy bathroom fixture. A toilet that costs $35,000 may seem like an extravagance, but anyone trying to sell real estate in this market knows that the commode is the one part of an office or dwelling that not only holds its value, it can actually increase the total selling price, especially if the potential buyer “makes a big deposit” while looking and doesn’t have to flush twice, jiggle the handle or attempt to improvise a plunger out of a toothbrush and a Dixie cup.

So, what exactly did John Thain get for his $35,000? Here’s a list of features on his classy commode that will make any plumber crack a smile wider than the smile cracking from his coveralls:

Direct input pipeline to a fresh mountain spring.

Direct output pipeline to a secret sanitation plant that searches for jewelry accidentally dropped in.

Special fast flush option for pharmaceutical emergencies.

Antique 1400-year-old porcelain bowl from the Dung Dynasty.

Bidet for visits from trophy girlfriend.

Disappearing bidet for visits from wife.

Bark-operated seat lifter so pet dog can drink.

Purr-operated lid-lowering option for when wife’s cat tries to use it.

Self-jiggling handle.

Score-keeping display for game of aiming stream at target on bottom of bowl.

Rolls of paper made from recycled subprime mortgages.

Verified autograph and inspection sticker from Joe the Plumber.

TAMPA, FL – Circuit City (motto: “We’ve Still Got Plenty of VHS Players and AM Radios”) has purchased the last 30 seconds of commercial time available during Sunday’s Super Bowl telecast in spite of the fact that the company is going out of business and liquidating the merchandise in its stores. “It’s our way of saying “screw you” to all of those people watching the game on big screen TVs they bought at Best Buy and Wal-Mart,” said Circuit City spokesperson Harry “Back” Ordor.

Rather than attempting to convince viewers to stop by its stores for heavily-discounted merchandise at its going-out-of-business sales, Circuit City will exact its revenge on fair-weather customers by showing videos of dogs eating baby kittens and cats eating baby puppies that will look even more disgusting in HD on big screen TVs. The commercial’s soundtrack will include the sounds of fingernails on blackboards, vomiting and selections from Jessica Simpson’s latest CD. “And to keep people from running to the bathroom during the commercial, we’re interspersing the kitten and puppy feast with nude photos of Drew Barrymore and Brad Pitt,” sneered Ordor.

NBC is already receiving calls protesting the Circuit City commercial, but the network has no plans to pull it or run a warning before it airs. “Are you nuts?” screamed NBC Director of Super Bowl Commercials and Cleaning Product Infomercials Jack “Amazing” Wyper. “This will be the biggest thing since what’s-her-name’s nipple. Both teams have requested TVs on the bench so they can watch it too. President Obama even gave me his super-secret Blackberry number for a ten-second heads-up.”

NBC refuses to reveal when exactly the Circuit City commercial will be run because no company wants their commercial to air immediately after it. “I figure there’s gonna be a lot of crying, so I may run a Kleenex ad,” said Ordor. “On the other hand, Circuit City offered me a truckload of car stereos to give the slot to Best Buy.”

NEW YORK–Pfizer, the world’s largest drug maker, bought out Wyeth yesterday in a $68-billion deal completed in the parking lot of a Brooklyn Wendy’s.

“Yeah, the stuff’s good,” said Pfizer CEO Jeff Kindler after examining Wyeth’s assets and drug lineup.

Wendy’s security footage indicates that Pfizer representatives completed the transaction at 2:30 a.m. in the back of a Dodge Minivan. The broker of the deal, whom both parties would only refer to as their “hookup,” drove away with a paper bag full of cash and stock certificates. Kindler, meanwhile, looked around him before walking nonchalantly back to his car, slipping a plastic baggie containing the Wyeth deed of ownership into the pocket of his black hoodie.

Pfizer expects the purchase to fill revenue voids in the vaccine and recreational markets. “Buying Wyeth allows us to diversify our brand, meaning there will be a Pfizer drug in every CVS, Walgreens, and poorly lit alleyway in the country,” said a Pfizer spokesman.

Not everyone is excited about the deal, however. “Can’t someone do something about this?” said Gus Kovaris, who lives near the Wendy’s. “I lived here all my life. This used to be a quiet neighborhood. Now we’ve got mergers and hostile takeovers every week. Some poor guy’s going to get laid off here one of these days.”

When asked if Pfizer was planning any other mergers, Kindler shook his head. “My hookup’s completely dry. He said try again next fiscal year.”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – The producers of ‘24’ (motto: “Don’t Complain Or We’ll Bring Back Jack’s Daughter”) announced they have scrapped the scripts still left to be shot for this season in order to work in new cast member Bernie “The Ponz” Madoff. “He’s the perfect villain for our show,” said ‘24’ Senior Top Executive Producer A. Rolf Flynn. “Jack Bauer can’t torture a lousy financial statement.”

Madoff’s agent approached ‘24’ after reviews of the first few episodes of this season were less-than-stellar. “Too many liberals, women, liberals, crybabies, liberals and wimps,” said ‘24’ Fan Club president Noah Lyfe. “Did I mention liberals?” Although Madoff had no formal acting experience, the idea intrigued ‘24’ Super Executive Really Senior Better-Than-Everybody Producer Les “Doug” Fairbanks. “He fooled all of the people all of the time,” said Fairbanks. “ He’s evil but he looks like your mailman. I hear he once made Dick Cheney cry.”

Madoff’s character will be called Bernie Madoff. “We had some other names in mind, but we didn’t want to get sued by anyone whose name we might accidentally pick,” said Fairbanks. “Fox is still paying off a couple hundred guys named Charles Montgomery Burns.” The character Madoff will bankrupt the Federal government, the FBI and secret organization Bauer is working for, forcing a financially-strapped Jack to fight bad guys by throwing rocks, make his escapes on a skateboard and torture bad guys by flushing the toilet whiler they’re in the shower. “I’m now a cross between Jack Bauer and Joe the Plumber,” said star Keifer Sutherland. “Would that make me Jack the Plumber or Joe the Torturer? I need to call my agent.”

Madoff refuses to reveal what happens to his character. “Let’s just say there’s a final battle between me and Jack that could end the world as we know it,” Madoff said during an appearance on “Entertainment Tonight.” “Luckily, Jack is on his own, while I know two people who each know four people who each know ten more people who each know … Wait, I’ve told you too much already.”

PALO ALTO —Facebook, the largest online social network on earth, announced at a press conference Friday that it will lay off 50 employees by the end of the month. Web 2.0 pundits were shocked to learn the company actually had employees to let go.

“Yeah, there was an actual office and everything,” said Roland Shipley, a former member of Facebook’s inexplicable workforce. He also claimed to have personally seen hundreds of other Facebook employees during his tenure, and to have received regular paychecks, although he could not produce one friend, Facebook or real, to back up his claim.

Founded in 2004 by Harvard student Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook grew exponentially in online presence and workforce size despite the fact that nobody has the slightest clue how it makes money. During the early days, Zuckerberg says he was constantly being poked by some guy named Madoff. Some of the personnel cut included staff from sales, marketing and finance—although observers point out it may be more than coincidence that they’re all named “Smith.” “Users don’t notice online advertising anymore, not even for Obama plates,” said Michael Calore of Wired. “I suppose they could start charging people to join, but who would pay money to learn that some guy they barely know just went to the grocery store? Excuse me, I just got tweeted.”

When asked about the long-term viability of the company, Zuckerberg said, “Users depend on Facebook as an integral part of their daily lives. Without Facebook, how could you find out what their friends are doing? How would you invite them to parties or tell them how awesome they are? You think people could play a game like Scrabulous in real life? Impossible.”

REDMOND, WA – Microsoft Corp.(motto: “Just Forget Vista, OK?”), announced it is laying off 5,000 employees in the next year and a half, the first job cutback in the company’s history. “We’re going through an economic blue screen,” said Microsoft spokesperson Paige Falt. “We expect this corporate defrag to free up space and give our stock a reboot.”

Most of the employees being laid off are fairly new to the company, so their stock options are worth about as much as old DOS manuals. To help them through this tough time and keep them from storming the Redmond headquarters with pitchforks, sickles and sharpened CDs, Microsoft agreed to give each departing employee the following severance package:

• One autographed picture of Bill Gates for each month of service.
• As many Zunes as one can carry.
• A copy of ‘Economic Fallout 3’ for the Xbox 360.
• Map of San Jose.
• Jerry Seinfeld dartboard.
• Never-been-opened pack of Bill Gates’ combs.
• Hourly no-benefits contract to come back and clear out copier jams.
• Cassette of the Rolling Stones’ doing “Start Me Up.”
• Coupon for free tour of MSNBC.
• One minute to grab as much as possible in the company cafeteria.

As new CEO of Yahoo Inc, Carol Bartz will receive a compensation package worth $19 million in salary and bonuses, as well as stock options for rival company, Google.

“By including stock for an industry leader like Google, we were able to lure the best candidate to Yahoo,” said Yahoo Chairman Roy Bostock. “This is exactly the sort of thinking that will help Yahoo stay competitive in the years ahead.”

After taking the helm, Bartz fired up Yahoo staff during a high-energy meeting in which she outlined her plans for the company. The presentation utilized slides created with Google Docs presentation software, including budget projections displayed on a Google spreadsheet. Following the meeting, Bartz spoke to the press during a conference call on her Google Android phone.

Bartz also addressed widespread rumors of Microsoft buying Yahoo. While no decisions have been made, Bartz did offer ideas of what such a partnership would yield. “Take MS Office, for instance. Yahoo could offer an entire office suite, free, on the web. Word processor, spreadsheet, presentation software, you name it,” Bartz said. “And you could search the web from our site, too.” A staff member pointed out that Yahoo already offered a web search, to the surprise of Bartz, media members, and several Yahoo employees.

Bostock said he is excited about the direction Bartz will take Yahoo, and predicts Bartz will become recognized as one of the business world’s top CEOs once she leaves Yahoo for greener pastures. He noted that hiring Bartz has already paid dividends. “Our web stats have skyrocketed,” Bostock said. “Just check out our Google Analytics.”

BOISE, ID – Waldo S. Ware, newly-elected commissioner of the U.S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League (motto: “Do You Know Where I Can Find A Coconut Bra?”) announced today that mobile searches will be banned from league play staring with the 2009 season. “Mobile Searches are the worst scandal to hit our sport since Indian star Raja Klemuns tested positive for curry-based steroids.”

The U .S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League was established in 2008 to give small cities a chance to host a professional sports team without having to build a stadium, a sports complex or a bowling alley. Charter franchises were awarded to Boise, Idaho, Old Hickory, Tennessee, Cut-and-Shoot, Texas, and Eagle Butte, South Dakota. Cities that have lost sports franchises or are upset with their current teams are also under consideration, giving hope to Los Angeles and Detroit. The Scavenger Hunt Championship, called the Snooer Bowl, will be held in September in Egg Harbor City, New Jersey,

Ware first learned about cell-phone-initiated mobile searches on the Internet while looking for new items to add to the scavenger lists for the upcoming season. “I googled ‘hard-to-find stuff’ and up popped this site explaining Yahoo’s One Search , Google’s Mobile Search and Microsoft Live Mobile,” said Ware. “If a scavenger hunter can use his or her cell phone to quickly find the nearest store selling left-handed screwdrivers or mustache blow-dryers, I’d call that an unfair advantage. You know, like being born Yao Ming.”

To prevent scavenger hunters from using illegal mobile searches, the league will conduct random tests for iPhones, Blackberries and Android systems. Players caught with these devices will be suspended for one game. Players caught with dial telephones will not be penalized since they’re on the scavenger list.

Yahoo and Google refused to comment on the ban. Microsoft announced it would cancel commercials planned for broadcasts of U.S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League games and would apply the $12.95 to a Super Bowl ad.

RICHMOND, VA. — Hot on the heels of the announcement that the chain is closing all 567 stores, laying off 34,000 employees and liquidating all of its remaining merchandise, management at Circuit City (motto: “Please don’t refer to a sale item as a ‘best buy’”) revealed plans to sell the empty stores to the United States Department of Energy to be used as storage facilities for nuclear waste. “I think it’s a great idea,” said laid-off store manager Nick Tendo. “My store is right next door to a Best Buy. Let’s see how many TVs they sell when the sales staff grows a third eye.”

The abandoned stores will take the place of the controversial Yucca Mountain Repository in Nevada, which has yet to be used due to protests by environmentalists, ranchers and a local resident claiming to be Bigfoot. “They’re the perfect locations for nuclear waste storage,” said DoE spokesperson Rod Szilla. “Based on Circuit City’s final sales figures, nobody knows where they are.”

Circuit City officials say anyone unlucky enough to receive a Circuit City gift card for Christmas can redeem them during the liquidation sale. After the stores are closed, the DoE recommends that unused cards be shredded and eaten, along with any catalogs, sales flyers and credit card bills listing store locations. Laid-off employees will be offered jobs at the nuclear waste facilities provided they pass a physical and demonstrate their loyalty by bringing in the blades of a windmill.

WASHINGTON, DC — Eager to right the struggling economy, President-elect Barack Obama unveiled a $700 billion stimulus plan designed to create 3 million new Steve Jobs over the next two years. “American innovation, ingenuity and looking good in jeans is what makes this country great,” Obama said. “No one embodies that spirit more than Steve Jobs.”

The co-founder of Apple, Inc., Steve Jobs’ leadership has led to the Macintosh, the iPod and TV commercials that viewers actually watch. Obama’s new “Jobs’ Jobs” plan calls for replicating Steve’s DNA and injecting it into 3 million unemployed Americans, producing exact copies, or iClones, of the mercurial CEO. These new Jobs are expected to invigorate every American industry, from technology to cars to razors that leave a sexy stubble.

“Consumer confidence and enthusiasm will never be higher. Americans will celebrate the unveiling of the wireless stapler, and they’ll stand in lines for days at the grocery store to buy iCorn,” Obama said.

The clothing industry has already received a boost due to unprecedented demand for black mock-turtleneck shirts and blue jeans with adjustable shrinking waistbands. Psychologists also expect an increase in clients when the Jobs iClones become smug, vain and vindictive fast food restaurant managers.

Republicans initially decried these government-created Jobs, saying the Apple CEO’s micromanaging style reflects Democrats’ desire for more invasive government. However, Jobs won over key legislators with a riveting speech on the House floor, during which he unveiled the first embryonic iClone, as well as the iHeart, a pacemaker that will synchronize a person’s heartbeat to his or her favorite song. “I live-blogged the whole thing,” said Rep. Jeff Fortenberry (R) of Nebraska following a five-minute standing ovation for Jobs. “Simply phenomenal. I would take a bullet for that man.”

Jobs admits he was hesitant at first about being used as the template for a new race of visionary assholes. What finally convinced him? “When the president of the United States looks you in the eye and says, ‘Do you want to sell portable jukeboxes for the rest of your life, or do you want to change the world into your own graven image?’ you listen.” Later in the interview, Jobs claimed the whole idea was his from the beginning.

Before returning to his home in Silicon Valley, Jobs will stop at a government lab to provide additional DNA samples. “Good artists copy, great artists steal,” Jobs said. “I think this is a little bit of both.”