NEW YORK, NY — The economic downturn continues to create havoc in the struggling newspaper business. Shortly after The Rocky Mountain News (motto: “Highest Newspaper Outside Of Amsterdam”) – Colorado’s oldest newspaper – was put up for sale, The New York Times (motto: “All The News That’s Fit To Print”) announced the paper will be downsized from standard newspaper size to 3-by-5 (new motto: “All The News That Fits On An Index Card).

New York Times editor Murray R. Edwards says the smaller format will appeal to younger readers. “They’d rather twitter that read. We reduced Tom Friedman and Maureen Down to 70 words each so now they can do both.” Most insiders believe Friedman will leave, since he can’t even say hello in under 800 words. Dowd is considering an offer from the New York Post, but it would require a move from politics to Britney Spears.

Newspaper sellers also applaud the move. Stoop-shouldered Buck Artwald, a Times home delivery carrier for over 30 years, was all smiles as he sold his worn red wagon on eBay. “Now I can carry 100 papers in my fanny pack,” he said. “I’m getting ready for the Sunday edition by lifting decks of cards.”

Although the size of the paper has been reduced, the price of The New York Times will remain the same. “We make up for it in quality,” said editor Edwards. “A Times on an index card is still a better value than a full-sized USA Today, especially if you use it for other things, like a coaster or a windshield scraper.”

In an effort to show up the automotive company CEOs who flew to Washington in corporate jets to ask Congress for a bailout, auto worker Joe “The Rear Door Handle Tightener” Wysoki is attempting to drive a corporate jet from Detroit to Washington to beg for his own bailout. “I need a new roof on the bungalow, the wife needs her first husband’s tattoo removed and the kid needs braces cuz his grill got rusty and warped,” said Wysoki. “Not to mention gas for the Learjet.”

Wysoki purchased the Learjet on eBay when an unnamed CEO was forced to sell it to pay alimony to his fourth wife, buy a diamond-studded Wii for his young trophy fifth wife and donate $500,000 to the Bush library for a pardon for trying to sell Hawaii to Russia in exchange for a vodka import deal. “That guy was so desperate, I got it for $1000 and a signed note saying I never signed anything.”

Wysoki had originally planned to park the jet in his backyard and convert it into a high-speed sausage smoker, but when he heard about the automotive CEOs flying their corporate jets to Washington to beg for money, he knew he had to make his own statement. “I don’t have a pilot’s license and heights give me nosebleeds, so I’m driving the rig to Washington on the good old all-American freeway system. If it was good enough for Burt Reynolds in ‘Smokey and the Bandit’, it’s good enough for me.”

Wysocki planned the trip through his local AAA office so his wife could pick up souvenirs along the way. “She’s never been outside of Michigan, except for that trip to Chicago when she was 16 that she don’t like to talk about,” said Wysocki. “She likes those toothpick holders that look like little tree stumps. She’s one of them environmentalists.”

He doesn’t have an appointment scheduled with Congress, but doesn’t expect much trouble in getting one. “I’m driving a plane down Pennsylvania Avenue with an Obama bumper sticker. I’m a one-man inauguration parade float.” Wysoki is about a week from arriving and is currently in Kentucky making an overnight stop in an RV park. “I installed a propane tank on the side and a luggage rack on the top so it doesn’t look suspicious.”

North Pole — Amid worldwide economic woes this holiday season, Santa Claus announced that the elves’ annual holiday party has been canceled. 

"Parents aren’t shelling out for anything this year. Even Jews and atheists are writing me for gifts," Santa said. "Not only am I incurring additional materials and labor costs and working two full shifts, but shipping this stuff is costing me an arm and a little round belly that shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly.”  

Sources close to Santa report he’s had to acquire and train an additional fleet of reindeer just for the big night. But Santa won’t let down the kids or miss his annual cookie crawl, so his only economic recourse is to eliminate the elves’ Christmas party. 

The diminutive toymakers are furious over the cost cutting decision. "We look forward to the Christmas party all year," said Ollie Cornfelter, supervisor of the wooden toy division of Santa’s Workshop. "It’s the only time we really get to let loose. Everyone thinks he’s all cookies and milk, but even Santa knocks a few back before he heads out on his rounds. After last year’s party, we needed two big candy canes to prop him up in the sleigh."

As if the lack of festivities weren’t enough, rumors are swirling around the North Pole that no bonuses will be given this year. The village of singing elves is slowly turning into an angry mob demanding that Santa work for a dollar a year.

Santa confided that he’s concerned about disappointing the workforce, but experts say he’s got nothing to worry about. Martin Hoosier, an employment consultant who did not advise Santa Clause or Santa’s Workshop, Inc. says, "Canceling the holiday party is standard practice this year. Santa’s fine. The elves would never walk."

However, one elf who asked to remain anonymous hinted that he and his co-workers hope to have a website up and running next year that would “essentially replace the Fat Man” with a service called Santazon.com.

Image Credit: Matti Mattila, Flickr

With the movie “Four Christmases” hauling in $31.6 million on its opening weekend to finish Number 1 at the box office, coupled with the bleak outlook for sales this holiday season, major retailers across the U.S. have unveiled their plan to push for three more Christmases to be added to the list of national holidays. “The American people have spoken … they want four Christmases!” said John “Mac” Intire, WalMart VP of Promotions and Smiley Face Distribution. “I’m not talking about beefing up Hanukah, Kwanzaa and whatever those Stonehenge dudes celebrate. We want a Christmas in March, June and September. And a three more Thanksgivings too … we need the Black Fridays and I’m sure turkey farmers wouldn’t mind the extra business.”

Marge Houlihan, Special Projects Director at Neiman-Marcus, agrees. “Not everybody feels like spending $500,000 in December for a gold-plated helicopter. That’s more of a summery gift, so a Christmas in June would be perfect for us.” Wally O’Reilly, Marketing Manager at Toys R Us, is also behind the move. “We checked our records and not a single one of our stores has sold a CandyLand game outside of the week before Christmas. With four Christmases to clear out slow-moving inventory, we’d have shelf space for the stuff kids really want, like Wii CandyLand.”

Even singer Andy Williams loves the idea. “I own the Christmas carol market! This could get me my own show again. I’ll show Rosie O’Donnell how to do variety. I wonder if Dean and Perry are still alive?”

Establishing new holidays requires presidential approval, so the chances of retailers getting their wish are pretty good. Outside of buying a puppy for the Obama girls, this could be President Bush’s best opportunity to leave a lasting legacy in his name. “I’ll do it as long as I don’t have to pick out new Christmas cards to send out every three months,” said the president.