WASHINGTON, DC — In an attempt to gain some credibility while explaining where $350 billion of the $700 billion banking bailout fund disappeared to, the Treasury Department (motto: “Thank you, sir, may I have another?”) is planning to purchase commercial time during the upcoming Super Bowl broadcast in front of what it hopes will be a large drunk-but-forgiving television viewing audience,

“I’m thinking frogs croaking out the words “Fred! Dee! Mooawk!” says Treasury Secretary Henry “Bud” Paulson. “Or maybe some pigeons flying over that bull statue on Wall Street and making deposits. Get it? Deposits? This is gonna be great!”

The 30-second ad during Super Bowl XLIII will cost $3 million, but NBC is expected to give the Treasury Department a discount in return for allowing the network to write off the entire 2008 prime time schedule as a loss. “They’re hurting for ad buyers this season,” said Paulson. “I’m not sure why.”

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben “Gentle” Bernanke doesn’t think the commercial should be funny. “We need to take the Apple approach,” says Bernanke. “A hot chick running across the floor of the New York Stock Exchange swinging a hammer than she throws at a giant safe where all the loot is hidden. Wait a minute … that’s not where it is, is it?”

Timothy Geithner, expected to be President-elect Obama’s Treasury Secretary, thinks he should get to decide on the ad since the game is on February 1 when Obama will be in office. “I want chimpanzees dressed in suits to look like bankers,” says Geithner. “Or is the other way around better? And then they have to eat potato chips with Dan Quayle. Is he still alive?”

NBC has already alerted the public works departments in all major U.S. cities that the commercial will run at the end of the first quarter, so they can be prepared for the largest simultaneous mass flushing since the farting Clydesdale.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Actress Scarlett Johansson – famous for her roles in “Ghost World,” “Lost in Translation,” “Girl with a Pearl Earring” and numerous teenage boy YouTube fantasy videos – is being investigated by the Securities and Exchange Committee (motto: “We’re Getting Around To It.”) for managing an illegal ‘Hanki’ scheme. A ‘Hanki’ scheme is similar to a ‘Ponzi’ scheme with two exceptions: it’s obviously far easier for the SEC to uncover and it involves mucous (from the Latin word ‘mucus’ which means ‘green sludge’) instead of hedge funds (from the Latin word hedgefundus, which means ‘money sludge’).

Johansson’s ‘Hanki’ scheme began on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” (motto: “Wake Up! We’re Not On At 10 Yet!”) when the cold-suffering actress blew her nose into a tissue and Leno challenged her to sell the snot-laden paper “hanky” on eBay. When the booger-bearing blotter sold for $5300, a scheme was born. Johansson began blowing her nose constantly and selling the tainted tissues to investors. Some of the early funds came from her mother’s Jewish friends who were glad the little “shayna maideleh” finally found a good job.

Eventually, Scarlett’s schnozz ran out of schnot and she was forced to use funds from new investors to pay older ones who were promised the “pick” of the profits. Money was also paid under the table to nasally mucous producers and black market tissue suppliers to keep the chain moving. Although no evidence has been uncovered at this date, investors heard rumors that Leno supplied some of this sneeze money in return for exclusive rights to Johansson booger jokes.

The SEC finally blew the cover off of the nose-blowing scheme when the market for Scarlett’s snots collapsed under the cold-and-flu season. “Every celebrity in Hollywood is blowing their nose for some reason these days,” said SEC investigator Paul Hanksen. “eBay couldn’t handle the volume and shut down trading.” While the investigation on the ‘Hanki’ scheme continues, no charges have yet been filed against the actress. She’s hoping the whole thing will blow over soon once Hollywood gossip columnists switch from her to reviews of “Valkyrie.”

While it’s far easier and much more satisfying to look back at the previous year and say “I told you so,” I will once again take the “Shut Up And Listen To What I’m Telling You” approach and make my Predictions for 2009, with the hope that enough other things will happen to make you forget my erroneous prognostications around this time next year.

Chrysler, Ford and Mitsubishi will merge, then consider an offer to move to Buenos Aires. Auto workers will beg them to “Don’t CryForMi, Argentina.”

Bernie Madoff will be pardoned on President Bush’s last day in office. In return, he’ll become the Republican Party’s chief fund raiser.

A supercomputer at MIT will discover the world’s largest prime number. Coincidentally, it will also be the new amount needed to solve the subprime mortgage crisis.

Lehman Brothers will make a comeback with the Doobie Brothers and release a song about the cause of its demise called “What The Fools Believed.”

The Securities and Exchange Commission will be replaced by a Magic 8-Ball. Fearing the 8-Ball, hundreds of firms will fire their accountants and switch to TurboTax.

Steve Jobs will fake his own death, then fake his own resurrection and move Apple to the top of the Fortune 500.

The price of oil will reach a buck-a-barrel, forcing OPEC to change its name to OCRAP.

The print version of The New York Times will be replaced by 100 swamis sending the news to customers via telepathy. USA Today will accomplish the same thing with one Las Vegas mind reader.

Twitter will be replaced by T, which limits messages to two characters. The most common message will be FU.

Jay Leno will expand his new show to 3 hours, with the first two hours devoted to selling jewelry and amazing time-saving kitchen appliances.

China will finally stop using lead in its products exported to the U.S. Unfortunately, it will replace the lead with uranium.

The book publishing industry will file for Chapters 1 through 11.

Detroit will secede to Canada, get free health care and flood the U.S. with fuel-efficient affordable Canadian cars.

Warren Buffet will cash out of Berkshire Hathaway and return to his home planet.

Housing prices will rebound when Oprah expands her book club to include real estate listings.

IRVING, TX — Gold’s Gym International (motto: “If You Sign A Lifetime Contract, It’s Almost Free!”) – one of the largest chains of co-ed gyms in the world – is temporarily shutting down its facilities in order to redesign and reopen them as Gold’s Snore Centers after a new study found that heavy snorers burn 373 extra calories a day. “We need to make the switch before it puts us out of business,” said Gold’s spokesperson Barb L. Kerl. “Who’s going to pay 50 bucks a month for a gym membership they never use when they can snore themselves into shape for free?”

Managers of Gold’s gyms are hoping that, just like with exercise, Americans will find out it’s hard to keep up a regular snoring program. “I used to snore all the time when I was younger,” says Hanz N. Franz, one of the first to sign up for a three-year membership in the new center. “Now I can barely get myself to snore once a month. My New Year’s resolution is to snore five times a week so I can lose all of these holiday pounds.” The study also found that partners of snorers tend to wake them up, thus depriving them of a good workout. “I’d snore if I had someone to snore with,” says Jackie Lane, who is considering a membership. “It’s always easier with a buddy to motivate you.”

Gold’s is banking on Jackie and others like her treating the Snore Centers as places to meet dates. “A lot of our members eventually end up in bed with people they meet during workouts,” said Kerl. “We’re just making it easier to do both in one place.” Gold’s is replacing all of the exercise machines, treadmills and weights in the gyms with mattresses, couches and lounge chairs. It plans to keep all of its TVs since many snorers find it easier to fall asleep while watching. Professional bodybuilders interested in a more exhausting snore workout will have access to large padded rooms where they can safely sleepwalk.

The famous original Gold’s Gym logo, a bald-headed weightlifter holding a barbell, will be replaced with a bald-headed man in a bed with his eyes, closed, mouth wide open and a puddle of drool on his pillow. “He’ll still be built like a weightlifter,” said Kerl. “That’s what a good snore at a Gold’s Center can do for you.” When asked how a Gold’s Snore Center is different than a cheap hotel, Kerl replied, “Two words: juice bar.”

NEW YORK—Following the arrest of disgraced Wall Street investor Bernard Madoff for his $50 million Ponzi scheme, millions of swindled investors and angry consumers flocked to Wikipedia to figure out what exactly a Ponzi scheme is.

“He was paying old investors with the money he got from new investors,” said Marsha Worthington of Dayton, Ohio, after reading the online encyclopedia’s entry on the scam that emptied her children’s college fund. “That’s illegal, apparently.”

Joe Brikowski of Des Moines, whose family’s life savings is most likely gone forever, said, “When I first heard it on the news, I thought they said ‘Fonzie’ scheme. You know, like putting all the money into a phony leather jacket company.” With a heavy sigh, he then snapped his fingers, pointed both thumbs in the air and said, “Aaay!”

In a Ponzi scheme, investors are promised high returns on non-specific investments such as hedge funds, when in fact, they are paid out with money paid in by later investors. Arthur Cogdill of Boulder, having learned his $10,000 investment vanished in just such a scheme, said, “I knew I should’ve bought in earlier.”

Since Madoff’s arrest, Wikipedia has reported a 500% increase in traffic to the Ponzi entry, as well as a 200% increase in user-generated article updates. Ralph Ludtener of Duluth, Minnesota was one of the millions who read up on the structure and execution of a Ponzi scheme. He noted, “That’s really slick. I could run an operation like that, no problem. People who live in Duluth are real suckers.”
Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Christopher Cox pointed out that the scale and modern methods employed in Madoff’s fraud may have earned it a classification of its own. “A ‘Madoff scheme,’ if you will,” Cox said. “You know, I started the Wikipedia page for the Madoff scheme. Check it out!” Cox vowed to friend all article contributors on MySpace.

SACRAMENTO, CA — An embarrassed Newman J. Alfreds, confronted by over 100 reporters camped out on his lawn, broke down and admitted that he is the only person to have turned down an offer to invest in Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, the recently exposed Ponzi scheme that bilked tens of thousands of investors out of at least $50 billion. “Can you just call me Mr. X?” Alfreds asked the reporters. “Getting taken by Madoff is the new “in” thing in the neighborhood. I’ll never be able to show my face at the country club again.”

Alfreds says he was a little confused by the letter he received from Madoff. “I got the part about sending a million dollars to the first ten names on the list,” he explained. “But it wasn’t clear whether I was supposed to move my name to the top or the bottom of the list. The ink was all smudged. You’d think that Silicon Valley CEO who sent it to me could afford a new printer.”

Alfreds says he sat on the letter and left messages on Madoff’s answering machine. “I figured he was probably legitimate when I heard the voice on his answering machine was Pope Benedict. The pope is infallible when investing church money, isn’t he?” Alfreds told his neighbors he had already sent his checks and letters out, and blamed his lack of returns on the post office. “I was pretty nervous because the mailman had invested with Madoff too. You should have seen his stretch Maserati mail truck.”

When the offices of Madoff Investments were raided by federal officials, they found Alfreds’ messages on the answering machine and his picture on Madoff’s dartboard. “There was a dart in my crotch. He knew how this was going to make me feel,” said Alfreds. According to the confiscated company records, Alfreds was the only person or company invited to invest who turned it down. “It’s ruined my life,” he sobbed as the reporters walked off. “My wife left me for a bankrupt bankruptcy lawyer who lost $10 million to Madoff. She thinks that pale, starving look is sexy.”

FABER FALLS, PA — With the announcement that Daniel S. Laikin, CEO of National Lampoon, had been charged with conspiracy and securities fraud in an attempt to artificially raise the value of the company’s stock, the Delta Tau Chi fraternity at Faber College was forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. “We invested all of our frat dues in National Lampoon stock,” said fraternity president Vernon Edgar “VE-Day” Day. “If Delta House actually had any toilet paper, it would be worth more than our stock certificates. Hey, that gives me an idea.”

Delta Tau Chi is the fraternity at Faber College made famous by the movie “Animal House,” which launched National Lampoon into the motion picture business. The current fraternity members are all descendants (“legacies”) of the original Delta members portrayed in the movie. “Except we’re smarter and better looking. And smarter. Did I mention smarter?” said Bluto “John” Blutarsky, the frat’s sergeant-at-arms who was guarding a beer keg with an aluminum bat. “It’s our only asset,” explained Blutarsky. “The bat, not the keg. We stole the keg” “You said ‘asset’ … heh-heh-heh,” said Kent “Flounder” Dorfman II, who had just arrived to pledge the fraternity.

Dean Hed “Dean” Wormer was thrilled to hear the news, which meant he might finally rid the school of the lowlife fraternity. “Don’t tell those business school flunkies a fraternity isn’t a corporation so it can’t file Chapter 11,” he pleaded. “None of them ever made it past the first chapter of their books anyway.” “And don’t let them sell that keg on eBay,” said the dean’s wife Wanda “The Squirmer” Wormer. “There might be some beer left in it.”

Rick “Beaver” Stratton, was already developing a plan to save the fraternity. “Road trip movie!” he yelled out the window after vomiting. “Call Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid before they get hired by “Dancing With The Stars.” I’ll bet they’ll work for beer. Don’t let The Squirmer take that keg!”

WASHINGTON, DC — CEOs of firms in the struggling shoe industry (motto: “Don’t Stop Treading On Me”) are rejoicing after their companies recorded record sales following the worldwide broadcast of President Bush having a pair of shoes thrown at him by a journalist in Baghdad. “This is better than a bailout,” said John “Son” Murphy, a lobbyist for the industry. “We were just getting ready to have three shoe CEOs walk to Washington in their bare feet to appeal to Congress for help.”

Using the Freedom of Information Act, the shoe executives are demanding that the Secret Service release the brand name of the shoes. “They looked like Florsheims to me, “said Rocky Porte, spokesperson for the company. “Our wingtips are the most aerodynamic shoes on the market.” “We’ve blown the video up and they’re definitely Hush Puppies,” argues Bert N. Sock, sales manager for Hush Puppies. “They had a light Hush Puppy floatiness to them that gave the president time to duck out of the way.”

The shoe executives are hoping to take full advantage of the month President Bush has left in office. “We’re studying his travel schedule and shipping free shoes to every reporter who may be in a presidential press conference,” said Saxon D. Sittie, owner of a Manhattan shoe store. “That include Manolo Blahniks for the female reporters. We’re putting rubber tips on the stiletto heels so the president doesn’t have another ‘pretzel incident’.”

While the Secret Service is nervous about the shoe-throwing trend, President Bush is happy to be able to help a struggling industry without having to spend any taxpayer money. “Just don’t throw any flip-flops at me!” said the president. “I don’t want to sound like that guy in Chicago with the name I can’t pronounce, but I’ll hold a press conference in Cuba for the first company that gives me a lifetime supply of custom-made cowboy boots.”

WASHINGTON, DC — The Food and Drug Administration (motto: “Just because your mom gives it to you, that doesn’t mean it’s healthy”) in cooperation with the Treasury Department (motto: “Ask Santa for money this year”) has issued a recall of all copies of the board game “The Game of Life.” “It’s causing widespread disillusionment, depression and schizophrenia,” said FDA spokesperson Gail Corn. “We can’t risk a shortage of anti-depressants with the holiday season upon us.” Buck Owings, spokesperson for the Treasury Department, agreed. “This economy is already hanging by thread. People don’t need a depressing board game to make it seem worse.”

Hasbro Corporation, makers of “Life,” seems puzzled by the recall. “We haven’t changed the formula of the game in years,” said a Hasbro spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous. “Yet for some reason, all of a sudden nobody can buy a house, everybody is losing jobs, kids can’t afford college and the only occupation not getting laid off is “entertainer.” We’re checking to see if there’s a problem with the die we use to make dice.”

The U.S. Surgeon General, who doesn’t wish to remain anonymous but no one knows his name anyway, calls the “Life” depression an “epidemic the likes of which we haven’t seen since the “I Can’t Solve This F-ing Rubik’s Cube” depression of the 60’s.” He blames the problem on players hope to escape their current problems by playing a game instead of getting drunk, stoned or laid. “Board games are an artificial homeopathic remedy that have never been tested by the FDA. They’re as ineffective as Airborne and less effervescent.”

Hasbro is hoping to have the Game of Life back on the market after the Christmas holidays. “We’re losing some revenue by pulling it from the shelves during the Christmas season,” said the anonymous Hasbro spokesperson. “On the other hand, it’s really boosting the sales of “Johnny’s First Home Brewing Kit” and “The Hemp Terrarium.”

With Washington finally admitting the country is in a recession, Hollywood is rushing to produce Christmas specials that reflect the times. Here’s a few coming soon — check your local listings for broadcast times:

MIRACLE ON WALL STREET
An old man tries to convince workers on Wall Street that he’s the real Kris Kringle. One little girl believes him, but is disappointed when Kris can’t answer her wish for a $50 million bonus for her CEO daddy. Kris finally convinces her that a dollar plus a get-out-of-jail-free card is worth $50 million.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN AND HE’S PISSED!
Santa checks his naughty-nice list for Detroit and it’s 80 percent naughty, so he’s forced to swap his sleigh for a freight train loaded with coal.

HOW THE GRINCH COULD AFFORD CHRISTMAS
The Grinch’s present to the residents of Whoville is a free lecture on the concepts of savings, balanced portfolios and off-shore tax shelters.

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS PARTY
Charlie Brown downsizes the baseball team’s annual Christmas party by holding it in a doghouse, serving a tiny roast bird and replacing the gift exchange with a game called “Where’s Woodstock?”

A CHRISTMAS SORRY
Santa is forced to arm himself with a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle when the children riot because his response to every gift request is “I’m sorry.”

THE LITTLE DUMBER BOY
A little boy blows his chance to meet the Messiah when he gets a subprime loan to buy a manger and is forced to sell it and vacate the premises two days before Christmas.

A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS – THE REAL STORY
Marcia becomes a hooker and drug dealer and then must make up a story about working for AIG and getting a bailout when she’s the only Brady who can afford Christmas presents.

FROSTY THE REPO MAN
The children put a magic baseball cap on the head of a snowman, turning him into a cold repo man who repossesses all of their toys, trees and sleds until he’s melted by the heat from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Treasury Secretary burning foreclosure notices.