HOLLYWOOD, CA — Moments after jokingly showing a Powerpoint slide that read “70/100 – Steve’s Blood Pressure,” Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs was rushed from a technology conference to the set of the Fox hospital drama “House,” where Hugh Laurie, in the middle of rehearsals and dressed as Dr. Gregory House, diagnosed Jobs as suffering from “inverse blood pressure syndrome and acute fake hypochondria.”

Jobs, who showed no signs of any malady other than thinness and a fit of giggles over the slide, was taken to the “House” set in Hollywood by worried Apple staffers who believed conventional doctors have been refusing to reveal Steve’s real illnesses out of fear they would lose their medical discounts for purchasing iMacs. “Dr. House works miracles every week,” said Jobs’ personal assistant Lisa Fuji. “We just knew he could figure out what’s wrong with our god and personal savior … I mean CEO.”

Hugh Laurie, not really a doctor but a longtime Mac user, played along after Jobs secretly slipped him a new iPhone filled with episodes of “Blackadder” and “Jeeves and Wooster,” Laurie’s previous shows where he speaks with a mysterious British accent. “I told our writers to take notes,” said Laurie. “This could be the plot of our ‘Jump the Shark’ episode.”

With the stock market already in the dumpster due to the world banking crisis, the incident had no negative effect on Apple’s stock price. In fact, some analysts predicted the price would rise since Jobs was taken to a popular TV hospital rather than the low-rated “E.R.”

After getting a clean bill of health and an autographed bedpan from House/Laurie, Jobs was returned to the conference, where he resumed his talk by putting up the next slide that read “68.9 – Steve’s Temperature.”

DETROIT, MI — After a secret merger offer was turned down by Ford, and a second merger offer is a receiving lukewarm response from Chrysler and Wall Street, General Motors (motto: “’Big’ is the new ‘humongous’”) has shocked the Detroit automotive world by entering talks with yet another former sworn enemy — Michael Moore, the director of the anti-GM documentary “Roger & Me.”

“We decided to keep our friends close and our enemies closer, like that Sun Roof guy said in “The Art of War,”” explained GM spokesperson Rod X. Ost. “And GM has no bigger enemy than Michael Moore. Ooops, I promised him no more fat jokes.”

In secret talks conducted while driving around Detroit in a battery-powered Hummer limousine, GM executives offered Moore half of the company’s stock, $50 million in cash and an extra-wide Corvette designed just for him. In return, Moore would agree to shoot a new documentary entitled “Toyota, Medical Insurance, Union Pensions & Me” about how GM – like Flint, Michigan, in “Roger & Me” – was brought to its knees by outside forces it had no control over.

Moore is upset that GM leaked the news about the talks before he had a chance to make his decision. “This is typical of a desperate company that’s not used to not getting its way,” said Moore. “I asked them to give me 30 days to meet with my staff and to pick out a color for the Corvette. Plus, I wanted to see how long they could go without telling a fat joke.”

In a related story, Ford is in merger talks with Ralph Nader and Chrysler is testing the waters with the actor who played the guy who invented intermittent wipers and got screwed by the auto companies.

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN – The 2008 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences was awarded to economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman. Finishing second for the third year in a row was Rich Uncle Pennybags – a.k.a. Milburn Pennybags or Mr. Monopoly – the beloved mascot of the Monopoly board game. “Pennybags is always in our top ten,” said Nobel selection committee chairman Sven Up. “It would help his cause if the name of the game was ‘Fair Trade’ or ‘Capitalism With Regulation.’”

Pennybags thought this was his year after Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson admitted his decision to punish the heads of failed banks and investment companies was influenced by Pennybags’ Chance card: “Elected Chairman of the Board: Pay Each Player $50.” “I would have won if he had listened to my other suggestion – send them directly to jail,” said Pennybags.

Paul Krugman admits having mixed emotions about beating out Pennybags. “I’ve known Milburn for years. Being the banker in hundreds of Monopoly games in college convinced me to change my major from modern dance to economics,” said Krugman.

Pennybags believes that he can finally win in 2009 if Barack Obama is elected president. “If Warren Buffett turns him down, I think I’m his second choice for Treasury Secretary,” said Pennybags. “I’ve seen McCain play Monopoly. All he does is race that little car around the board, privatizing the utilities and telling the other players they don’t have to pay taxes. I don’t know anything about Sarah Palin. I hear her favorite game is “Go Fish.””

Hoping to make a game-changing cabinet appointment, Republican presidential candidate John McCain vowed that if he wins in November, he will name billionaire industrialist and Gotham City socialite Bruce Wayne as the new Treasury Secretary.

McCain introduced Wayne at a rally in Gotham City before an enthusiastic but confused crowd. “Most people only know Bruce Wayne from what they read in the tabloids,” McCain said. “But trust me, my friends, there’s a lot more to Bruce Wayne than meets the eye.” McCain then smiled and winked, eliciting an irritated look from Sarah Palin.

Wayne, who has no governmental or political experience of any kind, is the owner of multi-billion dollar corporation Wayne Enterprises. However, Wayne admitted he has little do to with the company’s day-to-day activities, focusing his energy instead on “various other endeavors.”

Democratic nominee Barack Obama derided the announcement as a desperate move. “The only thing Bruce Wayne knows about economics is frittering away his family fortune. Gotham is the most corrupt city in America, and Wayne hasn’t lifted a finger to fix it. Our economy needs a hero—someone tough, someone not afraid to fight the greed and corruption on Wall Street. Unless Senator McCain knows something we don’t about Mr. Wayne, bad guys will continue to make off with all our money.”

Wayne appeared relaxed and slightly intoxicated as he fielded questions about the announcement. The engagement was cut short, though, when Wayne appeared distracted by something outside a second-story window. His face became gravely serious as he said in a rumbling voice, “I must go.”

A recent Gallup poll indicated the announcement has made up some of the ground lost following the McCain campaign’s botched attempt at naming a Surgeon General, disgraced former psychiatrist Dr. Jonathan “The Scarecrow” Crane. Crane will begin serving a twenty-year prison sentence for drug trafficking once he recovers from a vicious beating delivered by a masked vigilante in Gotham City.

CHICAGO, IL — In an attempt to gain public sympathy, generate enthusiasm and possibly get a lucrative book deal out of their $700 billion financial rescue plan, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will appear on “Oprah” as part of her next “Wildest Dreams” show.

With the studio audience filled with unsuspecting small bank owners and second-tier financial institution CEOs thinking they’re there to see Oprah interview Michael Douglas about the fun he had filming “Wall Street,” Paulson and Bernanke will suddenly appear with bags full of cash as Winfrey runs through the crowd yelling “You get a bailout! You get a bailout! Everybody gets a bailout!”

After the excitement dies down, Paulson and Bernanke will unveil their new children’s novel, “Ben and Hank Glue Their Piggy Bank Back Together,” in hopes that Oprah will select it for her book club so that sales will skyrocket and bail them out of their own personal financial holes.

John, the winner of this election will inherit a pretty big financial mess.

You sound worried, my friend. Do you need a loan? How about some beer? I get it for free, you know.

Oh, so THAT’S what ya mean by “free market.” Now I get it, you betcha!

Puppets courtesy of Taylor Mason – www.taylormason.com

For more Puppet Party politics – www.politicalpuppetparty.blogspot.com

NEW YORK, NY — The latest victim of the mortgage and credit crises and the volatile stock market is the Forbes magazine (motto: “Make a ‘fortune’ reading us!”) Forbes 400 – the magazine’s list of the 400 wealthiest Americans – which dropped 327 names yesterday in heavy trading.

“We haven’t seen the list in this state of flux since the Great Depression,” said publisher Steve “Steve” Forbes. When it was pointed out that the Forbes 400 has only been in existence since 1982, Forbes said, “Well, it would have been around since the Great Depression if this country had a flat tax.”

When the latest edition of the Forbes 400 was compiled in September, the minimum net worth needed to make the list was $1.3 billion. With the value of stock portfolios plummeting, names have been sliding off the list like lipstick off a greased pig. Even the top is unstable, with Warren Buffet passing Bill Gates on the strength of Berkshire Hathaway versus the weak performance of Gates’ investments in Microsoft and Jerry Seinfeld.

Most hedge fund and private equity holders dropped off the list and had no one take their places. Same is true for investment bankers, CEOs, insurance executives, bank presidents and beer heiresses. “I found only 73 Americans I’d call rich by our strict standards,” said Forbes. “And that was only by bending the rules to allow rappers, professional video game players and winners on “Deal or No Deal.””

Forbes predicts that the Forbes 400 will regain the 327 names it dropped once the $700 billion bailout kicks in. In the meantime, he’s auctioning three positions to the highest bidders on eBay.

NEW YORK, NY — Hot on the heels of the announcement that Esquire magazine has named actress Halle Berry (“X-Men,” “Monster’s Ball,” millions of teen fantasies) the Sexiest Woman Alive, The Wall Street Journal is publishing its first-ever glossy issue and in it names Halle Berry its “Sexiest Woman We’d Like To Be Bailed Out By.”

“Wall Street needs a pick-me-up right now, and we can’t think of any we’d rather get picked up by than Halle Berry … or maybe Warren Buffet … no, Halle Berry,” said Journal special editions editor Dwight Winger. “The only woman we saw during the bailout negotiations was Nancy Pelosi, and she’s about as sexy as Barney Frank in drag. Sorry Nancy. You too, Barney.” The ‘Berry’ Street Journal will be filled with pictures of the actress, reviews of her movies and interviews where she talks about sex, money and sexy money.

Berry told the Journal she was thrilled, although a bit confused, by the honor. “I guess bank bailouts are like orgasms,” she said. “One big one is better than a lot of little ones. And even a little one is better than none at all. Can you give yourself a bailout?”

The special edition – with a scantily-clad Berry on the cover wrapped in a see-through copy of the Journal’s stock page – will be sold separately from the daily paper. Regular subscribers will be billed an extra ten dollars … fifteen if they call ahead and ask for it to be delivered in a plain envelope marked “Disneyland vacation photos.”

Executives at Esquire don’t see The ‘Berry’ Street Journal cutting into their sales. “Those bankers and brokers don’t get turned on by Berry’s breasts,” said an unnamed source at Esquire. “The only two smooth round things they like to look at are Paulson and Bernanke’s bald heads.”