CHICAGO, IL — In an attempt to gain public sympathy, generate enthusiasm and possibly get a lucrative book deal out of their $700 billion financial rescue plan, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will appear on “Oprah” as part of her next “Wildest Dreams” show.

With the studio audience filled with unsuspecting small bank owners and second-tier financial institution CEOs thinking they’re there to see Oprah interview Michael Douglas about the fun he had filming “Wall Street,” Paulson and Bernanke will suddenly appear with bags full of cash as Winfrey runs through the crowd yelling “You get a bailout! You get a bailout! Everybody gets a bailout!”

After the excitement dies down, Paulson and Bernanke will unveil their new children’s novel, “Ben and Hank Glue Their Piggy Bank Back Together,” in hopes that Oprah will select it for her book club so that sales will skyrocket and bail them out of their own personal financial holes.