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2008 October : Capitalist Banter

ExxonMobil Buys Iceland For President Bush

IRVING, TX — One day after breaking its own record for the biggest U.S. quarterly profit ever, ExxonMobil Corporation (motto: Cheap Gas or Clean Restrooms — Make Up Your Mind!) announced it is buying the country of Iceland and giving it to President George W. Bush in appreciation for all he’s done for the company […]

Greenspan Dumps Ayn Rand For Anne Rice

WASHINGTON, DC — At a hastily-convened press conference near his old stomping grounds, the Federal Reserve Bank, former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan announced he is ending his longtime allegiance to the philosophy and books of Ayn Rand and switching his commitment to horror novelist and born-again Catholic Anne Rice. “I have finally come to the […]

Automotive Slump Forces Cup Holder Makers To Diversify

DETROIT, MI — With the American automotive industry in its biggest slump since drivers looked under the hood of a Chevy Vega and found chewing gum, auto parts suppliers are preparing for the worst as the car crash trickles down to them. No suppliers are more terrified than the makers of the ubiquitous American car […]

Top 5 Hot Jobs for the Rest of 2008

Are you a plumber upset by the sudden competition for all those lucrative pipe snakings? Maybe you’ve lost your seven-figure salary due to some ‘off balance sheet’ accounting. While things may look bleak, there are plenty of jobs to be had by the industrious. According to the Association for American Opportunists, here are five high […]

Vatican City Stock Market Soars

VATICAN CITY — Bucking the downward spiral of virtually every other nation’s stock market, the Vatican City Stock Exchange and Souvenir Shop (VCSESS) posted its seven-thousand-nine-hundredth straight quarter of growth. “That’s 1,975 straight years,” said Father Earl “Father” Hines, the Vatican’s Treasury Secretary. “Contrary to what President Bush says, I think we know who God […]

Paulson and Bernanke Deny “Bromance”

WASHINGTON, DC — Despite persistent rumors in the Washington Post and constant Internet buzz to the contrary, Treasury Secretary Henry “Bald Is Beautiful” Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben “Beard Is Beautiful” Bernanke deny they are having a “bromance.” “Unless that means we’ve shared an occasional Scotch and Bromo Seltzer, it’s a bunch of hooey,” […]

Pitt and Clooney are ‘Hard on Cash’

NEW YORK, NY – CNBC announced today they will roll out new financial program ‘Hard on Cash’, starring Brat Pitt and George Clooney. The network hopes to capture market share among female viewers by featuring Pitt and Clooney covering topics related to household finances while wearing unbuttoned shirts and tight fitting trousers. Clooney draws on […]

Harvard Business School To Offer Plumbing MBA

BOSTON, MA — Harvard Business School (motto: “We should have flunked Bush, OK?”) is the latest organization to jump on the “Joe the Plumber” bandwagon by offering its first Masters of Business Administration degree in plumbing. “We never realized plumbers made that kind of money,” said Dean of New Degree Programs Biff “Skippy” Wellington V. […]

Paulson Orders NYSE To Enable Mail Goggles

NEW YORK, NY — In an effort to stop panic trading and smooth out the roller coaster swings of the markets, Treasury Secretary Hank “Wait – I’ve Got Another Idea!” Paulson today ordered the IT department of the New York Stock Exchange to enable Mail Goggles on all of the computers used on the trading […]

CDC Warns Against Octobox Overexposure

DEKALB COUNTY, GA — The increased usage by CNBC of the Octobox – a screen shot of eight heads talking at once – has prompted the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (motto: “This stuff must be dangerous or we wouldn’t be located in DeKalb County, Georgia”) to issue a warning advising CNBC viewers to […]