After a surprising admission from Premier Election Solutions (formerly Diebold) last month that its electronic voting machines had been running on flawed software for the past decade, an insider today divulged the real plan behind the machine’s tendency to drop votes.

“The idea was to get a machine in the White House by the year 2000,” said former head programmer HAL Clarke, who prefers his first name appear in all caps. “If everything had gone as planned, we could have had this whole country on auto-pilot by now. Money supply, energy rations, even the war in Iraq – all that can be remote controlled.”

Diebold’s diabolical plan to get a digital candidate ‘elected’ to the highest office in the land would have worked too, had it not been for those ‘meddling kids’ exposing the voting machine’s software flaws. “The hackers really saved the world this time,” Clarke said. He also warned we shouldn’t let our guard down now. “I hear Nickelodeon’s preparing SpongeBob to run in 2012,” he said.

The Food and Drug Administration has withheld final approval of Vigoryn, a new drug from Pfizer, stating that Vigoryn’s benefits, side effects, ingredients and chemical structure are all nearly identical to those of methamphetamine.

Vigoryn, touted as an answer to lethargy, low libido, excess body fat, and shyness, has proven effective in agency reviews at treating this wide variety of ailments. However, the FDA expressed concerns over side effects including diarrhea, pervasive sweating, irregular or flailing movements, rapid tooth decay, and incessant muttering about needing to “score some more fucking Vigoryn.”

At a press conference, a Pfizer spokesman contended that Vigoryn’s safety profile compared favorably to similar drugs on the market. When pressed to name drugs comparable to Vigoryn, the spokesman became belligerent, vowing to “stab each and every one of you with a rusty fork.” He then apologized profusely and collapsed into a ball beneath the podium, crying.

The FDA’s decision is yet another blow to Pfizer, the world’s largest drug maker, in their efforts to push Vigoryn onto the market. Last month, Pfizer shares fell 21 cents after three employees were killed in an explosion at Pfizer’s primary Vigoryn production facility, located in a trailer park in Riverside County, California.

REDMOND, WA — Upset by the millions of negative emails sent to its Redmond headquarters after the first airings of its new $300 million ad campaign featuring comedian Jerry Seinfeld, Microsoft Corporation (motto: “Wait till you see our NEXT operating system!”) announced it is replacing Seinfeld with 82-year-old legendary comic Jerry Lewis. “I saw him on the telethon and he still makes me laugh,” said Microsoft VP of Marketing Tosyuchi Kowalski. “I can’t wait to hear him yell, “Hey, Vista!”

Virtually all of the emails complained that the new commercial – showing Jerry Seinfeld helping Bill Gates buy shoes at a discount store – made no sense. “Why wasn’t there at least a guy named Mac for Jerry to hit with a marbled rye?” asked one of the few emails with comments suitable for a family blog. “If they want us to watch ass-wiggling, they should have had Brad Pitt play Bill Gates,” said another. Most simply ranted: “F*** Jerry, it’s a s***** @%$!+ commercial, you %$)*&! blue-screen m*****-f*****s!”

Bill Gates was said to be heartbroken over having to fire Seinfeld. “It’s not about his fee – Jerry’s $10 million salary is tooth fairy money to Bill,” said Kowalski. “Once the commercials were done, Jerry promised to give Bill a picture he took of Julia Louis-Dreyfus nude in a hot tub full of vanilla pudding. Now he’ll never get it.”

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer questioned the switch to the aging Lewis, at least until he was given secret documents which show that among Microsoft users, searches for “Nutty Professor” outnumber “Soup Nazi” 2-to-1, and searches for “Hey Lady!” outnumber “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” almost 4-to-1. Ballmer put it this way: “This guy couldn’t be any more popular if he was caught getting out of a limo without pants … not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Shooting for the new commercials will begin as soon as Lewis promises not to bring any handguns or seltzer bottles to Redmond. Lewis is expected to add his own unique style to the next ad. In a phone call from Los Angeles, he said, “Expect to see crooked teeth, thick glasses and bad hair. And that’s just on Bill Gates! Ba-da-bing! Hey, Lady!”

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): It’s time to go on a diet. Being “too big to fail” only works for mortgage lenders and investment banks.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): IT found the cause of your blue screens … stop making fun of Jerry Seinfeld’s Microsoft commercial.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Stop beating your self up. Your co-workers are placing bets on which one of you will win.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Setting goals and striving to achieve them is fine. Yelling GOOOOAAALLL! when you reach one is not.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Take care of your health. It’s time for your annual day off that you take to pretend you’re getting a physical.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Be creative. Don’t let facts get in the way of a great performance review.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Bring some variety into your work life. Try switching from Solitaire to Minesweeper on odd-numbered days.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Volunteer to be your office fire marshal. Fire drills are a great time to look through everyone’s desk drawers.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The rest room is not a place for business conversations … unless you’re a copywriter for Charmin.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you find a dead bug on the floor, just pick it up and dispose of it. Drawing an outline with correction fluid just makes the cleaning people seek revenge.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): No matter how much fun it looks like on those YouTube videos, don’t throw beads at women in H.R.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Invest in your company’s stock. You never know when you might need a good cover.

Taking a page from public broadcasting, the US treasury announced that the terms of its negotiated buyout with Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae will include handsome tote bags for some homeowners. “Our economy and our markets will not recover until the bulk of this housing correction is behind us,” U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said at a news conference. “Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are critical to turning the corner on housing.” adding “ and now I can use this handsome government-sponsored tote to bring my organic locally grown fresh produce home from Farmer’s market without having to use plastic or paper!”

The hoped-for government sponsored prop-up of Fannie and Freddie have been in discussion with Secretary Paulson and the Treasury department for quite some time. Negotiations stalled after Paulson demanded (and eventually received) red piping on the totes as well as the phrase “brought to you by the Bush administration” across the front. This move added an additional twenty-two billion dollars to a nearly six trillion dollar government investment. According to internal Treasury department memos, much of that expense will be offset by transferring the manufacture of the tote bags from Ames, Iowa to Bangladesh. When asked for comment, White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said “No, I don’t see the irony.”

Although many homeowners have seen some tough times recently, some see this new agreement as a welcome addition to an uncertain market. “I’m happy to see this extra element of stability injected into the overall housing market” said Southern California real estate agent Rob “Hammer” Hammil, “and as a bonus, these new bags will give some of my customers a safe place to collect their broken hopes and dreams. Most of them where using the little blue bags that come with Crown Royal, that seems less bleak somehow.”

TOKYO — Sony Inc. (motto: “Your TV isn’t too big … your wall is too small!”) unveiled its first product in the fireplace starter market: the Sony Vaio Power Kindling Kit. “We’re serious about starting fires,” said Oki Muskoki, Sony’s new VP of PK (Power Kindling). “We will have 440,000 Power Kindling Kits in the stores by the end of the month.”

The Sony Vaio Power Kindling Kit is based on the popular Sony Vaio TZ series laptop computers, which have mysteriously disappeared from store shelves in recent days. The kit consists of the PK unit and a dual-purpose cord which is used for powering up the unit and then for yanking it out of the fireplace when the fire starts. Users are instructed to place the unit in the fireplace, surround it with twigs, newspapers and old Vaio laptop brochures, and then plug it in and stand back. With seconds, improperly placed wires in the unit overheat and set the kindling ablaze. “It’s a pretty sight,” said Muskoki. “Those Vaio laptop brochures burn in really bright colors. We recommend using as many as you can find.”

Sony’s lawyers assure customers that the Vaio Power Kindling Kit is not dangerous when used properly. “Just keep it away from children, old people and inebriated adults and you’ll be fine,” said Muskoki. Sony engineers are testing a wider version of the Vaio Power Kindling Kit that will be available around Christmas under the name Sony Vaio Home Benihana Kit. The Benihana Kit converts the Vaio screen into a flat cooking surface for shrimp, chicken and scrambled eggs. “We’re still working out a few bugs,” said Muskoki. “It’s tough sharpening a mouse into a chopping knife.

PRINCETON, NJ — The manufacturers of the Trojan ™ brand of condoms, Church & Dwight Co., Inc. (motto: “You look like an extra-large”), has filed for bankruptcy, citing slumping sales and a dismal forecast for the rest of the year and possibly the next four following the nomination of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate. “It’s not exactly because of Mrs. Palin,” said corporate spokesperson Herb Plezyur. “We took a hard hit when Levi Johnston showed up at the convention with her daughter.”

For those who live in caves with no cable access, Levi Johnston is the high school hockey player responsible for impregnating Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of the vice presidential candidate. “Without wearing one of our products, which by the way come in most high school colors, this kid schtupped the daughter of a woman who knows her way around assault rifles and is hailed as a hero by a guy who spent five-and-a-half years in a cell with nothing to use for condoms but mouse intestines,” explained Plezyur. “High school jocks are our biggest market. Without them, we’ll be making balloons for clowns to twist into animals.”

Plezuyur said that Church & Dwight has shut down its main plant in Princeton and laid off all of the machine operators, packaging clerks and the women who test the ribbed condoms. “Those two shouldn’t have any trouble getting jobs in Atlantic City,” said Plezyur. The company plans to stay open with a skeleton crew until after the election in November. “Depending on who wins, we’ll either be recalling all the workers and reopening the plant, or we’ll be selling our unsold stock on eBay to girls who like to use them as shower caps for their Bratz dolls.”

On the heels of last week’s ruling that Citigroup, Inc. pay $18 million in refunds to customers who had balances ‘swept’ from their accounts, California’s attorney general has issued further orders that the company include a note of apology to each of the more than 53,000 customers affected.

“They’re a bank, they’ve got money,” said the attorney general. “But writing those notes will really teach them a lesson.” The apology notes must be handwritten and include a sentiment of remorse as well as an affirmative statement of plans for future behavior, ie. not stealing customer funds.

Sources inside Citigroup said they are shopping for stationery and hiring an army of temporary help to accomplish the mammoth task. While others may compose the notes, the ruling requires Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit to sign each note in his own handwriting – no facsimile, no stamp.

When asked for comment Pandit replied, “No fair!”