As Wall Street continues its stunning downward spiral, many investors and former regulators have been discussing the actions (or lack thereof) of the Chairman of the Securities and Exchange commissioner Chris Cox. Wall Street’s “top cop” has been available in recent days as the full brunt of the crisis has unfolded. But two weeks ago, Cox was a near invisible man in the financial sector. Reporters, investors and politicians have been wondering where Cox has been. Now, due to some intrepid reporting, Cox’s whereabouts have been determined.

As it turns out Chris Cox has spent the last 2 years traveling the highways and byways of America following Austin TX based country music stalwarts Asleep at the Wheel. Front man for Asleep at the Wheel Ray Benson said of his biggest fan, “Man, he’s seen us play “The Letter That Johnny Walker Read” at least 30 times this year!”

Indeed Chris Cox has spent months and months wandering from venues like Branson Missouri’s’ Silver Dollar City to Tulsa Oklahoma’s Million Dollar Elm Casino completely enraptured with the sounds of Country and Western swing.

When reached for comment on this shocking development, Chris Cox said “When George brought me on in 2005, I agreed to take the job only if I was able to have enough time for personal projects. George asked me what kind of personal projects I had in mind and I told him ‘I’ll probably be at Asleep at the Wheel’. He just smiled and told me that’s what he had in mind the whole time.”

I had good intentions this morning of writing a pithy little post about Hurricane Ike being the result of a global weather machine in the hands of an evil empire. However, when I started googling my way to some fun pop culture references, I found instead evidence of actual weather modification program. I swear it it getting harder and harder to write satire.

Real life weather control processes are alive and well in China, Russia, and the United States. Cloud seeding is the attempt to change the amount or type of precipitation in a given area. Substances such as silver oxide and carbon dioxide are released into the air in the hopes of spurring the condensation process. Some companies claim the ability to filter or desalinate the air with artificial rain. And according to Wikipedia, the technology dates back to the turn of the century – the last century. Perhaps we all need to start reading science publications?

Check out these REAL news items:

Aisa Times – China attempts to thwart rain for opening ceremonies of Beijing Olympics.

CNET News – New Mexico’s Altela company (CEO, Ned Godshall) makes it rain. Not satire? Wow.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In an attempt to take advantage of the recent crisis on Wall Street, DreamWorks Animation, the only moneymaking division of DreamWorks SKG (motto: “I’m Steven Spielberg and I approved this movie”), announced it will remake the classic 80’s dramatic film “Wall Street” as a feature-length comedy cartoon.

Called “Gordon Shreko,” the cartoon will replace the Gordon Gekko character, played by Michael Douglas, with Shrek, played by Mike Myers. Gekko’s signature line – “Greed is, for lack of a better word, good” – will be replaced by Shrek’s new philosophy: “Donkey, two things, OK? Bail … out!”

Eddie Murphy will play Bud Donkey, assuming the role of the ambitious young stockbroker, Bud Fox, played in the original by Charlie Sheen. Shreko will take him under his hairy arm and teach him how to follow the rules, avoid risks and invest wisely, turning him from an ass into a poor but happy Wall Street mule.

Cameron Diaz as Fiona will play Shreko’s trophy girlfriend, who is an actual trophy the Wall Street ogre keeps on his mantle next to the one he won bowling on the Lehman Brothers team.

‘We want to show that what’s happening on Wall Street is a comedy of errors,” said Steven Speilberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and David Geffen, co-owners of DreamWorks SKG. “Kind of like everything we’ve invested in besides “Shrek” and “Shrek 2.””

“Gordon Shreko” is scheduled for release in early 2009. If it’s successful, DreamWorks Animation plans to follow it with a remake of “The Bonfire of the Vanities” called “Antz Take Over The New York Stock Exchange.”

Joe Biden filed a discrimination suit in US Circuit court today against HeroBuilders.com. The company has manufactured action figures of Obama, McCain and Palin but not Biden. A spokesperson for Senator Biden stated that “The Senator has been in touch with the ACLU and been informed that Hero Builders are clearly violating his civil rights.”

Biden had this to say when reporters interviewed him. “I don’t understand why I’m being ignored in the elec . . . pardon me, the action figure venue. Even John Edwards has a doll and he’s not even on the ballot.”

Representatives of HeroBuilder.com are in talks to settle out of court. An insider said “Hero Builders isn’t willing to commit to a full fledged action figure but may release a Plushie if the Senator is willing to compromise.”

NEW YORK, NY — Bank of America announced today that so called banker’s hours would be expanded to include Sunday. Bank officials cited the need to get a ‘jump start’ on the week, as well as a desire to avoid releasing dismal news on a Monday.

“Monday already has a really gloomy feel. We didn’t want to increase the burden on that particular day with the kind of bad news we’ve had lately,” said Rock Effler, Senior Marketing Strategist for the bank. “We fully expect others to follow this trend.” The hope, according to Effler, is that in the future all bad news will be shifted to Sunday, freeing Monday up for general workplace related malaise.

When questioned about how a business-as-usual Sunday would conflict with many worship practices, Effler dismissed concern. “We will keep Sunday mornings free, which works to our benefit. People will be so full of hope that by the time bad news hits in the afternoon, they are less likely to panic.”

Opponents fear the demise of the weekend, but supporters of the Sunday workday maintain the no one works on Friday afternoon anyway, so it all works out.

JUNEAU, ALASKA — Hockey moms across Alaska were delighted today to find a new offering at their local McDonald’s drive-through: McPalin Happy Meals. The new family friendly meals come with moose burgers or nuggets for the kids, raw meat for the pit bull, condoms for older siblings, pudding for grandpa, and of course, a McPalin button.

“The name tie in is a natural,” said McDonald’s representative Dwight Davis. “We’ve wanted to do something for a long time, but McCain just wasn’t right for the Happy Meal.” Davis went on to say that Palin was ‘full of happiness.’

McDonalds plans to expand the limited edition Happy Meals to the lower 48 states and Hawaii in the next several days. A sound studio in Oak Brook, Illinois leaked news that John McCain had recorded a voice over ‘approving this message’ for the latest McDonalds TV spot.

No word yet on the addition of Sarah Palin action figures to the Happy Meals.

The Coca-Cola Company, the world’s largest beverage firm, vowed to consumers and shareholders that it would produce 1000 varieties of Coca-Cola by 2015.

“By differentiating our brand beyond the point of recognition, we’ll ensure that there’s a Coke for literally every potential beverage market in the civilized world,” said Coke President and CEO Muhtar Kent. “Rest assured, there is no random combination of fruity syrups we won’t mix together, and no slapdash tweaking of our iconic brand that we won’t foist on thirsty consumers.”

In 2009 the Coca-Cola Company will roll out new brands including Peppermint Coke, Coca-Cola with Mango, Coca-Cola Fudge, Birthday Coke, Coca-Colada, Olive Coke, Spicy Coke, and Coca-Cola with Pepsi.

Convenience stores and supermarkets nationwide are scrambling to accommodate the additional flavors. A Piggly Wiggly spokesman said the grocer will stop selling pet food and cat litter in order to clear the necessary shelf space. Some 7-11 stores will replace restrooms with additional refrigeration units to house the increased stock of 20-ounce bottles.

Space is a concern even at Coca-Cola headquarters in Atlanta, where the company has begun construction of a three-story vending machine that will dispense all 1000 Coca-Cola varieties. Coke’s child daycare facility was demolished earlier this year to make room for the structure.

Coca-Cola stock jumped eleven cents per share after the announcement. It rose an additional twenty cents when Kent vehemently denied speculation that Coca-Cola II, or “New Coke,” would be one of the 1000 flavors.

In a move pressured by federal regulators, Merrill Lynch, the world’s largest financial broker, will be purchased by Bank of America for $29 a share, or $43.5 billion from local Hackensack, New Jersey used car salesman Tony “Legs” Rigtilliano.

Things looked dour for Merrill Lynch when Morgan Stanley turned down a possible acquisition of the brokerage house. Federal regulators seeking a suitor for Lynch eventually turned to Mr. Rigtilliano. “We felt confident that Mr. Rigtilliano could get the job done and save Merrill Lynch from certain doom at the hands of their own greed and avarice. Besides, I heard he sold Deputy Secretary Kimmitt a 2002 Ford Focus and even got him to buy the undercoating. Whatever the hell that is” said treasury department spokesperson Annie O’Hanly.

In a stroke of good fortune, Mr. Rigtilliano was available to assist in the negotiations as he had just reached his sales quota after selling a broken-down Kia Sorento to a couple that barely spoke English. When reached for comment Mr. Rigtilliano said, “My ma told me I could sell horse crap to a manure salesman. Other than that time I tricked a tool into buying a Sportage what had the doors ripped off ‘cause I told ‘em it was a ‘open-air special edition’ this is probably my biggest scam job yet!”

Merrill Lynch is facing a severe round of layoffs in the wake of the merger. Those layoffs are expected to include CEO John Thain. “It’s over,” said one senior Merrill official. On a positive note, federal regulators suggest that there is a new career opening up to the workforce Merrill Lynch is letting go. Federal regulator Richard Hurtz explains, “Every single used car lot we went to was hiring repo-men. It was uncanny.”

NEW YORK, NY — Hot on the heels of Corning’s unveiling of the Glass Sheiling, a solid glass ceiling that appears to be fractured with 18 million cracks, cosmetic giant Revlon (motto: “Without us, women would look like men.”) enters the political-slogan-based-products marketing arena with a new lipstick made just for pigs. Called “Bacon Rouge,” the porcine lipstick will allow pig farmers to give their swine a new look and a new marketing ploy to replace the tired ad slogan, “Pork: the other white meat.”

“We never realized that pigs were such a huge untapped market for lipstick,” said Revlon spokesperson Honey “Baked” Prosciutto. “Outside of Miss Piggy and a couple of cross-dressing professional wrestlers, we pretty much ignored the whole sow demographic.” Prosciutto credits the current political debate between the Obama and McCain campaigns over the expression “like putting lipstick on a pig” for the company’s interest in developing Bacon Rouge. “You’d be surprised how many women pig farmers there are, and how long they’ve been waiting for a product like this to put an end to that obnoxious expression,” said Prosciutto.

Pig farmer Virginia Loine agrees. “My girls are so much more than just ‘the other white meat.’ With Bacon Rouge on lips of every one of my sows, it’s time for a new slogan. I’m thinking, “Red is the new White.” Or “Put lipstick on your pig … it’s the right thing to do.” If the lipstick proves as popular as Revlon expects, the company plans to roll out other products in the same line, including eye shadow for raccoons, makeup for monkeys and butt blush for red-rumped baboons.

With the sudden popularity for lipstick on pigs, both the McCain and Obama campaigns have begun searching for new colloquialisms to express their disgust for each other’s policies. Pork producers, jewelers and oyster farmers are lobbying for “Do not cast pearls before swine.”

NEW YORK, NY — As Fashion Week comes to a close, the National Association for Business Economics (NABE) has issued a statement condemning current fashion administration elites such as Calvin Klein and Oscar de la Renta. According to the NABE, fashion industry leaders have deliberately damaged the American economy with fall’s longer hemlines and darker colors. The dismal fashions are matched by slow job growth plunging consumer confidence, and the the worst housing slump in a quarter-century.

“Shame on them!” said Professor Penny Monee, who works to help fashion houses understand how their choices affect our over economic situation. “Economic acitvism in fashion is overdue. It’s just common sense. When the economy is in trouble, you don’t go designing drab dresses and long skirts!”

Monee believes in economic stimulus through physical stimulus. “Show women something shiny and they’ll buy it. Show men some skin and they’ll open their wallets. It’s basic economics!”

Monee’s group, along with the NABE’s Special Committee of Fashion Analysis is hoping designers choose a more responsible approach next year. They are optimistic for a more favorable spring showing in London and New York come spring.