Mad Money host and giant red cranium owner Jim Cramer announced today that he will be selling off what’s left of his reputation and dignity at an open auction at “Bubba’s Repo-Auction house” in Sprott Alabama.

“Makes perfect sense to me! Bubba’s has a fine reputation as one of the premiere auction houses in Sprott!” screamed Cramer to no one in particular from a small dark closet at CNBC headquarters adding, “Buy Bear Sterns!” before smashing a red button with his forehead, putting on boxing gloves for no reason and passing out from oxygen depravation.

The auction has generated quite a bit of buzz in the financial world drawing potential buyers from as far away as Wetumpka. “I was headed over to Sprott to look for some parts for my 1977 Pinto and the wife asked if I could put a few dollars aside for the Cramer guy’s crap. She said she figured she could use it get a show on Fox business since no one watches it anyway” says local farmer and entrepreneur Armstead “Tater” Arnold.

Mr. Bubba Brannon of Bubba’s auction house echoed the excitement generated by the announcement “Yeah, I never heard of this dick, but I figured that I’d give him a good spot in the auction line-up.” Currently, it is rumored that the sale of Cramer’s dignity and reputation will be sandwiched between the only two items at the auction that have generated more buzz than Cramer, a tractor engine with less than 150,000 miles on it and a stolen 1992 Camaro IROC-Z with a smashed steering column.

When reached for comment Cramer’s former cohost Larry Kudlow said “Cramer’s reputation isn’t worth shit and it’ll be fun to watch him go down in flaming ball of cow piss right there in the armpit of North America! What am I doing these days? I got a line on some vacation property in Destin Florida if you’re inetersted. Hey!.. Where you going?!”

OMAHA, NE — Berkshire Hathaway CEO Warren Buffet has purchased the entire Chinese women’s gymnastics team for an undisclosed sum and will use them to establish a Gold Medal Hedge Fund for the 2012 Summer Olympics. “I’m an American and I support the American athletes,” explained Buffet. “But I lost my shirt betting against Gates on women’s gymnastics and I won’t let that happen again.”

Buffet was referring to his friend and fellow billionaire Bill Gates. The two have temporarily ditched their weekly bridge game for some not-so-friendly wagering on the Summer Olympics. “I lost big on the U.S. sprint relay teams, but that’s different,” said Buffet. “Anybody can drop a baton, just like Bill dropped the ball on Vista.”

Buffet and Gates refuse to say how much they wager on Olympic events, but it is assumed to be tied to the price of gold, currently selling for around $830 an ounce. “Let’s just say we use a scale that would hold the entire Russian weightlifting team,” joked Buffet.

Buffet bet on the American women’s gymnastics team and, while picking up a few wins in the individual events, lost heavily on the team competitions. That’s when he came up with the idea for the Gold Medal Hedge Fund. “Everybody knows those Chinese girls are only 14, maybe even 10 or 12” said Buffet. “They’ll still be watching Sesame Street in 2012, so they’re a sure thing to be on the team.”

The Gold Medal Hedge Fund will pay for the housing, food and training of the Chinese women’s team for four years. “Berkshire owns Chun King so I get a great deal on food,” said Buffet. While maintaining their current high level of training, Buffet will reward the young gymnasts with one Snickers bar a day. “I think we own them too,” he said.

Even at only one a day, four years of Snickers bars means the 2012 Chinese women’s gymnastics team should resemble the 2012 Chinese women’s shot put team. “Even those blind judges from Uzbekistan will see them roll off the balance beam,” said Buffet. “Next time we bet, I’ll have Gates over a pommel horse.”

Bill Gates was not available for comment on Buffet’s Gold Medal Hedge Fund. He was rumored to be working on his own Olympic fund called Phelps Futures.

Shocked at the news that Microsoft has hired Jerry Seinfeld as pitchman for a $300 million ad campaign to begin September 4, Apple users around the country are responding by boycotting “Seinfeld” reruns. “We ignored George’s lousy sitcom and Kramer using the N-word, but this atrocity will not stand!” said MacBook user Eric Wickman. “Jerry was an Apple guy. He never ever touched a Windows PC on the show, not even to download porn to tempt George during the ‘Master Of My Domain’ episode.”

The boycott could cost Jerry millions of dollars in residual income, since there is a “Seinfeld” rerun showing 24/7 somewhere on all cable carriers. “When we’re through with him, Porsche Boy will be back to taking the subway to buy his marbled rye,” said Elaine Benes, a cross-dresser who legally changed his name in an homage to his favorite character.

Microsoft is hoping Seinfeld will help sales of the Vista operating system, which have been hurt by Apple’s hilarious ‘Mac Guy versus PC Guy’ commercials, not to mention the fact that the only satisfied Vista users so far are Bill Gates’ inheritance-craving children. “Paying Jerry $10 million to appear with Bill Gates is a good investment,” said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, “especially since Michael Phelps wanted $100 million and wouldn’t promise to not make fun of Bill’s hair.”

Apple fans are angry enough that the boycott could extend from “Seinfeld” reruns to Jerry’s recent film, “Bee Movie.” “I don’t want my kids supporting the output of a turncoat,” said iMac user Myra Cruze. “They see enough of that watching campaign ads.”

Jerry’s “Seinfeld” co-stars have mixed feelings about his new sponsorship. “Why couldn’t he endorse the Yankees?” asked Jason Alexander, who played George Constanza. “Everybody loves the Yankees!” “I use a Mac on my show, ‘The New Adventures of Old Christine,’ plugged Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who played Elaine. “Well, I think it’s a Mac. I use it to prop up the mirror when I’m getting my hair done. Doesn’t it look great?” Michael Richards, who played Cosmo Kramer, was not available for comment. He’s hitting the comedy clubs trying out new material he’ll be using to warm up the crowd at the Republican convention.

Jerry himself has his usual droll outlook on the controversy. “Did you ever notice how celebrities in commercials don’t look like they actually use the products they endorse? Did you ever see any dried oatmeal in Wilford Brimley’s mustache? Have you ever seen Martha Stewart making Chateaubriand in a 5 buck Target T-shirt? Excuse me, I‘m getting a call on my iPhone. Hello, Newman.”

Holly Williams is active on MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Flickr. She Tweets her Twitter followers on the hour. While Holly is certain she joined the various networks for good reasons, she can’t remember what those were. She now spends up to four hours a day updating profiles and keeping up to date with friends and friends of friends.

“It is so overwhelming staying connected to so many people,” Williams said. That’s why she joined the latest addition to her toolbar – IntroVert. The new social networking site is aimed at introverts and those who would benefit from cultivating the intro lifestyle.

Intro-virgins are encouraged to adopt a plain-faced animated avatar with no smile or frown. The cumbersome and time-consuming process of adding friends was intentionaly designed to discourage the accumulation of many friends. Verteran intros progress through a series of anti-social status from Wallflower to Cavedweller.

IntroVert expects a strong revenue stream from advertising home-delivery companies like Netflix and Amazon. “We want people to know it’s okay to stay inside and not interact with anyone, even virtually,” said an IntroVert spokesman.

As for Holly, she’s trying, but old habits are hard to break. “I’m still working on my ‘shy’ profile. I just wish there was a way to import all my contacts into IntroVert.”

Palm, Inc. (motto: “We don’t make the PalmPilot anymore … get over it!”) announced it will divest itself of two low-performing subsidiaries – Thumb LLC and Pinkie International – in an attempt to focus its resources on regaining leadership in the highly competitive smartphone field.

“Thumb and Pinkie simply lost their grip on their markets,” said Palm spokesperson Bob Digitus. Thumb LLC, the division responsible for R&D on keypads, never recovered from the disastrous recommendation to enlarge the keys on Palm Treos to compensate for people who are all thumbs. “That Treo was the size of a Etch-a-Sketch,” said Digitus, “and about as useless.” Thumb is looking down the road at offers from other smartphone manufacturers and may hitch a ride with HP.

Pinkie International handled overseas marketing for Palm. “Our European sales were zilch in 2007,” said Digitus. “Those guys must have been sitting around picking their noses.” European companies looking for experienced technical salespeople are being advised to give Pinkie a ring.

Palm’s future business is now in the hands of a core of developers left from the Treo product line, renamed the Index Division. “Index is pointed directly at the iPhone,” said Digitus. “They have a finger on the pulse of the smartphone business.” Index management has been poked out by new V.P. of development Dave Q. Tuckel, the world’s top smartphone designer and former head of the engineering department at Florida Institute of Smartphone Technology (FIST).

Hoping to capitalize on Spam’s near cult status and increasing mainstream popularity, Hormel Foods has teamed up with consulting firm McKinsey to find a way to fight Internet spam with Spam. The ham based sandwich filler has been showing up in lunch boxes for years. Hormel and McKinsey are determined to find a way to put it to work in your inbox as well.

“We’re not exactly sure how it’s going to work, but we’re confident that a high fat canned lunch meat made from mysterious ingredients holds the answer to annoying email and overtaxed servers,” said Hormel representative Silas Pigg.

The Spam brand has been buoyed in recent years by the Monty Python stage show Spamalot and Americans’ demand for foods that are both cheap and gelatinous. Although Hormel has already been approached by several software companies hoping to license the Spam name, they see this as an opportunity to branch out into new business areas.

“If we can sell meat that comes in a can, we can do anything,” said Pigg.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Cut back on your Olympic-watching. Your discus-tossing bagels across the lunch room is getting old.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If you’re going to switch to the four-hour work week, make sure it’s the same four hours your boss works.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Be careful when trying to be more spontaneous. Remember, spontaneity is the mother of intervention.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your office romance is becoming too obvious. H.R. is going to ask you to break it off or join the Weakness Protection Program.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):Make friends with people who are moving up quickly, especially if they have office furniture you want.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Be a decision-maker. You’re wasting too much time in the rest room debating between towels or the hot air blower.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Listen and learn. If it helps, drill a small hole through your cubicle wall.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): No matter what it says in GQ, you look like a dork in a business suit with shorts.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): There’s no crying in sales, unless you’re selling waterproof mascara.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Don’t keep too many business secrets. They can easily get mixed up with your lies, half-truths and general B.S.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): When your team makes a mistake, take the blame immediately. At least you’ll be first in something.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you encounter resistance in salary negotiations, use your head. Aim squarely for your boss’ forehead and butt.

WASHINGTON, DC — Top officials at the Environmental Protection Agency today reported that they’ve enlisted a new tool in the war to keep the environment clean and healhty. In preparation for future oil spills, the EPA has purchased some 2000 cases of the amazingly absorbent Shamwow cloth.

Thanks to a generous late night offer and an enterprising young staffer, the EPA was able to acquire the Shamwows at a considerable savings. “They just kept offering more until finally I just had to call,” said the employee who made the purchase. The government also received several bottles of a ‘magical’ grease cutting formula to help with bird rescue in the event of a major spill.

The Shamwows are being kept in a secured warehouse until such time as they are need to soak up a tanker’s worth of crude oil.