Lifetime Network to Kill Oprah Over Monopoly on Depressed, Middle-Aged Women

WASHINGTON- Lifetime Network is once again gunning for the head of beloved matriarch and divine goddess of the western hemisphere, Oprah. The depressing and low-budget television network has launched a large scale war against Oprah insisting that she has monopolized the industry of brainwashing lonely, depressed, middle-aged women. The industry has been ravaged by prolonged […]

Weekly Biz Quiz

Have you been reading the Wall Street Journal like good little capitalists or did you waste your time with the free USA Today the hotel dropped at your door? Take our weekly Biz Quiz and show us your inner Bernanke. 1. Owners of The 99 Cents Only Store report that the chain is hurting from […]

US Airline Bolstered By Latest Al-Qaeda Threat

Atlanta, Ga. – Airlines in the United States rejoiced upon receiving an intercepted recording from the terrorist group al-Qaeda, according to reports from government and flight industry insiders. Details of the message’s content were sketchy but included a statement from high-ranking officers in the terrorist organization that claimed the group was “finished trying to hijack […]

FDIC Offers Scratch-Off Lotto Game

WASHINGTON, DC — In an attempt to avoid having to borrow money from the Treasury Department to see it through an expected wave of bank failures, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (motto: “It’s F-D-I-C, not fadick … OK?”) is offering scratch-off lottery tickets with a top prize of $100,000 to depositors who agree to waive […]

Google and Disney Team Up to Expose Profitable Secrets

Representatives from Google and Disney held a press conference today to announce their new joint venture. Club Google will begin developing a number of products designed to capture the innermost thoughts and feelings of the highly sought after tween demographic. Production has already begun on the Google Princess Diary. Stories and preferences will be fed […]

InBev Buys Eight-Year-Old Kid’s Lemonade Stand

Hot on the heels of purchasing Anheuser-Busch, beverage giant InBev has reached an agreement to buy eight-year-old Jimmy Forrester’s Lemonade Stand for $113.48, ending weeks of speculation about a possible hostile takeover and ouster of Forrester, company CEO. The deal, paid in the form of a contribution to Forrester’s college fund plus a copy of […]

U.S. News Ranks America’s Best Degree Mills

NEW YORK, NY — U.S. News & World Report (motto: “Longest Name Of The Leading News Magazines”) has followed up its popular annual U.S. News America’s Best Colleges issue with a controversial report that should nonetheless attract many new readers to the news weekly. U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills ranks the top 100 places […]

Blue Cross and Blue Shield Targets the Gangsta Market

“With the rising fuel costs, gangs are going to jog-by shootings. That means their members need to be in tip top physical shape,” says BCBS spokesperson Emma Johnson. “More and more of the gangs are requiring physicals before you join and we want to tap the market while it’s hot.” “Yeah, we tried rolling in […]

United States to Blame and Pillage Third World Countries for Quick Economic Solution

INFOMERCIAL – Already nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, the “Africa Strategy” is being heralded as one of the greatest concepts for curbing national inflation, expenses and food prices ever conceived in history. The plan was laid out early last week by reknowned scientist, Dr. Kabutu Alfonzo, already a recognized expert in the field of […]

McCain Income Comment Hurts Game Show Industry

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Republican presidential candidate John McCain’s comment during a discussion on values that his definition of rich was having an income of $5 million has had a surprisingly negative effect in a seemingly recession-proof industry – game shows. “Why couldn’t he have said $1 million?” asked Meredith Vieira, host of “Who Wants To […]