CUPERTINO, CA – With the availability of the iPhone SDK (software development kit) and the App Store as an easy distribution channel, virtually anyone can now develop applications for Apple’s iPhone 3G. As a result, a lot of really bad apps are being developed. A reporter digging through Apple’s trash bins at its Cupertino headquarters found a list of sales figures for iPhone apps. At the top were games like Tic-Tac-Touch, apps to find stations selling cheap gas and fun time wasters like Lick My Phone. At the bottom, with sales of zero or one (most likely to the developer’s mom) were these applications:

What’s Steve Wearing Now? Zooms in on Apple CEO Steve Jobs and displays his outfit, which is always a black T-shirt and jeans.

Is Pauly In It? Key in the name of a movie and it tells you if Pauly Shore is in it so you don’t waste two hours watching it.

TP Me! Checks each stall in a rest room and directs you to the one with a full roll of toilet paper.

Virtual Invisible Man You’re responsible for the life of a man you can’t see.

Get Out Of My Line Scans the shopping cart of the person in front of you in the 10 Items Or Less line and sounds an ear-piercing alarm at 11 or above.

Brief Briefs Breaking news from the men’s underwear industry.

Does This Smell Funny? Keeps track of the expiration dates on everything in your refrigerator.

Penny Layin’ Uses GPS to locate pennies on the sidewalks, streets and parking lots in your neighborhood.

Call An Amish Girl Phone directory for cute single Amish women.

Spermbanker List of all know children of sperm bank donors to help prevent you from dating your half-sibling

Calorwheeze Type in the exercise and your weight and it determines if you burn more calories doing the exercise or wheezing afterwards.

Don’t Sit There Checks the reservation list on your airline flight and determines the odds of you sitting next to a horny salesman, a screaming baby or an Italian guy who looks Middle Eastern.

Jones Alert Analyzes real estate listings to insure you don’t move next door to the Joneses.

PORTLAND, OREGON — Melvin Bartlett runs his index finger over the controller of the game he designed in 2003. Nearly two years before Guitar Hero debuted and subsequently became one of the most popular video game franchises in history, Bartlett’s game fizzled out before its official release.

“It’s hard to understand, but the focus groups never warmed to Bass Hero,” Bartlett said. He blames the game’s failure on the rampant disrespect shown bass players in the world of rock and roll. “You never see people playing air bass, and the bass player never gets as much pussy as the guitar player. That’s a given.” Bartlett had hoped to change all that with his game.

“I wanted to show people that bass players could be heroes too. You know?” But Bartlett won’t be filing any lawsuits. He’s hard at work on his next project: America’s Favorite Back Up Singer.

With the government bailout of IndyMac Bank on their minds, many Americans are wondering if their own bank is in danger of collapsing under the pressure of foreclosures, bad loans and short-changed penny rolls. To help them analyze their situation, banking analyst Will Phargough of Phargough, North, Dakota & Co. released a report entitled “Don’t Bank On It” containing a list of banks that may be in trouble, along with some warning signs to look for on your next trip to your favorite financial institution.

“If the teller asks you to slip a few dollars into her garter, that’s a bad sign,” said Phargough. “If the free gift for opening a new checking account is your choice of anything from the top of the desk of the bank’s president, that’s a bad sign too. If a loan officer fights you over a quarter you dropped … run, Forrest, run!” Other signs your bank may be faltering include a drive-through lane for pedestrians, an ATM that offers to take your picture for a dollar, and a security guard wearing brass knuckles.

While none of the following banks and financial institutions are in imminent danger of collapse, Phargough sees a warning sign in each that he feels should be of concern to depositors.

Weelosture Savings

Getwell Fargo

Last Federal Bank of California

Codependence Financial Group

Infidelity State Bank

Fleet NMA Group

Hoodooyoo Trust of Ohio

Titanic Savings & Loan

Capital None Bank

Wachoback Corporation

United Aggenstya Bank

IBMT Savings

Nomerica Bank

When General Motors announced that it would slash jobs and sell assets today, many social media consultants thought the article was a joke.

“I mean, GM has the popular FastLane blog. They get it. They use twitter. They are out connecting with consumers. How could they be losing money?” said Chris Brogan, a social media pundit, before declaring, “Maybe they need a Facebook app.”

Over at Bubblegeneration, Umair Haque opined that the problem was that GM did not embrace the edge. “Consumers should be designing their vehicles. They need the wisdom of crowds. These so called car design experts don’t really know anything. It’s all about being open, like Apple.” When asked for an example of how Apple was “open”, Haque hung up on us.

A handful of accounting bloggers pointed out that GM had high pension costs and other financial problems which prevented them from pricing their cars competitively, to which several social media consultants responded “what does that have to do with running a business?”

Even Robert Scoble chimed in, saying that perhaps a video podcast would improve GM’s future earnings.

When pressed for examples of social media tactics that GM could adopt to improve the bottom line, every social media consultant gave us the same 4 examples that have been repeated ad nauseum in the blogosphere. When asked if there were any other examples, ones we had not heard before, Chris Brogan responded that social media isn’t about results, it’s about “being part of the conversation.”

SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA — We’ve all seen blatant product placement in movies and television, but a new agency promises to get baby and children’s products into the hands that really count: celebrity babies. Binky Media has already gotten Suri Cruise photographed with new plush toy Wubby Wubby Bear and they’re working on a deal with Wrigley’s Double Mint gum for Angelina’s new babies, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline.

“Of course our first concern is for the children,” said Binky’s Arthur Little, “but once those kids cut their first teeth, we plan to maximize their earning potential as celebrities, and twins.” The Jolie-Pitts were unavailable for comment.

Binky is currently working on a deal with Jaime Pressly’s son Dezi James for placement of the new non-alcoholic Baby Bud Baba. “Her portrayal of a socio-economically challenged mother on the popular My Name Is Earl is a natural fit. As we’ve learned from the tobacco industry, we need to catch these consumers before they actually need our product.”

LAS VEGAS, NV — Federal Reserve Chairman Ben “I Got Your Inflation Right Here” Bernanke has been asked to stay away from the International Federation of Sump Pump Installers Convention currently being held in Las Vegas, Nevada, even though he is on the schedule as the keynote speaker. “Dat bum is giving us real bailout experts a bad name,” explained event chairman LeRoy “Bugs” Razkler, owner of What’s Sump, Doc?, the leading installer of sump pumps in the Midwest. Razkler was referring to the bailout of the federal mortgage lenders Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, a plan supported by Bernanke. “Don’t forget dem Bears in New York he bailed out,” said Razkler, probably meaning Bear Sterns, also a beneficiary of Bernanke’s aid. “Why didn’t he bail out da bears in Chicago? Now dat’s a team dat’s drowning.”

Since the Bear Sterns bailout, quarterly earnings in the sump pump industry – which is responsible for bailing out water-filled basements nationwide – have dropped 50%. “Now everybody thinks we only help banks, rich people and Bernanke’s friends,” said the federation’s president Steve Stills, owner of “There’s Sumpin’ Happenin’ Here,” the largest sump installer in California. “Nobody wants to be associated with bailouts anymore, even when the water is up to the first floor.” Many in the industry have begun referring to themselves as “Excess Liquid Extraction Engineers,” but they complain that it’s causing them to get a lot of calls for liposuctions.

The Fed chairman’s office had no comment on the convention’s snub. Bernanke has been replaced as the main speaker by Curt “Flood” Smitley, a housing developer known for building homes in flood zones. Curt’s talk is entitled, “How To Pass Inspection When You’re Up To Your Neck In Violations.”

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — Ever since the day he stomped all over her couch in a proclamation of love for Katie Holmes, Oprah has been trying to win Tom Cruise over to her new church, which unofficial representatives describe as a cross sampling of all world religions with an emphasis on purchasing books to assist in the spiritual journey.

“It’s not a lot different than the Scientology model,” said an inside source who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s been scientologically proven that buying books gets one closer to God.” While leaving the fate of one’s eternal soul up to chance may be risky business, Oprah is going to make sure that doesn’t happen to any of her millions of fans – or Tom’s.

The anonymous source told this reporter: “She’s found in Tom a proven evangelical – almost messianic – quality that will take this new venture to the next level.” A television program featuring Holmes in false eyelashes and a purple wig is currently in development. Church names under consideration include Chisteojudaslamism and Budisikianity.

LOS ANGELES – Geffen Music announced today new program to educate junior executives in the latest street lingo. Courses will be taught by leading lingo trend setters like Snoop Dogg and fellow rapper WD-41.

“It’s like I be doggin’ on the shizzle, but I got no cred,” said new student Jerome Whitmore, who hopes the class will equip him with the vocabulary to speak to up and coming artists in their vernacular.

The street lingo education program is nothing new for Geffen. After Billy Cyrus’ huge success with the crossover hit Achy Breaky Heart in the early 1990s, the company began a formal program to teach its account representatives to speak with a drawl.

“It builds trust and helps our country artists understand complicated concepts when their contact speaks their their language,” said Ed Gore, Director of Employee Development. Gore also stated that getting a master linguist like Dogg was a huge win for Geffen.

Fo Shizzle.