DES PLAINES, IL – McDonald’s Corp. held a press conference today to unveil its latest sandwich: the Big Freddie Mac. Priced at 50 cents, the Big Freddie Mac is the first fast food hamburger to be subsidized by the federal government. “The economy – not that there’s anything wrong with it – is causing Americans to cut back on eating hamburgers,” explained McDonald’s spokesperson Donald McDonald (no relation). “Washington has decided that the burger is too big to fail, so the Treasury Department has agreed to kick in three bucks for every Big Freddie Mac sold.”
The Big Freddie Mac, while similar in appearance, is significantly different from the McDonald’s mainstay – the Big Mac. Big Freddie’s bun is inflated to look twice as large as it actually is, while the two all-beef patties are actually one all-beef patty sliced in half width-wise and pumped up by puffy lettuce. The “special” sauce is French dressing which is this week’s “special” at the dollar store next to McDonald’s headquarters. The number of sesame seeds has been reduced to one with a promise of more in two years if the burger market bubble continues. Each Big Freddie Mac comes in a special wrapper printed with suggestions on how to “flip the burger” for profit by selling it to people who are new to fast foods or kids who haven’t learned to read yet.
“The Big Freddie Mac program does not mean we will be bailing out other fast food menu items,” said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. “As they say in the business, it’s for a ‘limited time only’.” However, he did not rule out a similar plan to help Starbucks, which has recently been forced to close 600 stores. Rumors out of Starbucks headquarters in Seattle hint that the company is about to roll out a government-subsidized coffee called the Frappe Mae.