CINCINNATI, OH – Proving once again that a rising slick lifts all barges, Oil of Olay joined Exxon Mobil in reporting record quarterly profits. While not in Exxon’s $11.7 billion ballpark, Oil of Olay’s $73,967.52 was the company’s best quarter since the Botox shortage of 2005 and beat the previous record caused by the dermatologist strike in 1992. CEO Bob “Eppy” Durm thanked the company’s loyal customers for sticking with Oil of Olay despite recent price increases instead of switching to low-cost alternatives such as petroleum jelly, cream cheese or lard.

Experts in the facial moisturizer sector of the oil business differ in their reasons for Oil of Olay’s record performance. “It’s all about demand,” says economist Rex Barxoff. “Beijing’s air pollution is prematurely wrinkling the skin of Chinese women and millions of them are paying premium prices for skin products.” This may explain why Oil of Olay is the main sponsor of televised coverage of the Olympic women’s marathon.

“It’s the moisturizer speculation market,” argues stock analyst Zephrim Abraham. “Ever since the government required Olay to add 10 percent creamed corn in their product, speculators have been driving up the price in anticipation of a fight between the face cream and petroleum industries over corn.” Farmers tend to side with Olay in the corn battle because of heavy marketing of the product in the Corn Belt as a soothing balm for hot red necks.

Oil of Olay’s future profits may be hurt by recent accusations of war profiteering. Investigative reporters in Iraq found that female soldiers were buying Olay instead of using Army-issued MRTS – moisturizers ready to spread. While the company denies the accusations, it cannot reveal exactly which soldiers have switched to Oil of Olay because of the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

CHICAGO, IL – Not everyone is as upset about the proliferation of “naked short-selling” as the Securities and Exchange Commission, which extended its temporary ban on the practice through August 12. Playboy Magazine announced plans for an upcoming feature: “The Girls Of Naked Short-Selling.” “Nothing says ‘naked short-selling’ like naked women,” said Hugh Hefner in an interview conducted in his bedroom while waiting for the Viagra to kick in.

Short-selling involves borrowing shares of stock and selling them, betting that the price will fall. Naked short sellers don’t even borrow the shares before selling them – a practice many blame for driving down stock prices. Neither require the broker to be naked, but that won’t stop Playboy. “Naked short-selling was made for Playboy Magazine,” said Hef. “Hell, I came up with the name Fannie long before the Fed did.”

Photographer Charles ‘Lucky’ Evans is in Manhattan scouring investment banks to find naked short-selling brokers with the “Playboy” look. “I have to disqualify most of these naked short-sellers because, well, they have a penis,” said Evans. So far, he’s lined up Miss January, an agent from Goldman Sachs named Cherry “Muffins” Smith. “I’ve never done anything like this,” admitted Cherry. “Well, once, but only to make quota.” Evans also plans to visit Fannie Mae. “Hef is convinced any outfit named Fannie has got to have some lookers.”

Hustler Magazine’s publisher Larry Flynt is planning a similar layout called “Whistle Blowers Of The Brokerage Industry” featuring women who have helped the SEC locate naked short-sellers. When asked how else his photo spread will be different than Playboy’s, Flynt said, “Two words: ‘whistle blower.’”

NOTE: For those of you wondering about the universal symbol for “no” in the corner of this article – here’s the explanation. Both magazines provided me with sample photographs to accompany this piece, but they were confiscated at the last minute by the Capitalist Banter editor, who mumbled something about “inappropriate,” “not for our audience” and “make sure you give me ALL of them.” I feel your pain.

PLANO, TX – Hours after Metromedia Restaurant Group – the parent company of the Bennigan’s restaurant chain – announced that the once-popular Irish-themed chain had filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection and will shut its doors, executives at Bennigan’s revealed plans to reorganize and reopen as an Irish dating service. “Irish couples on dates were our most loyal customers right up until the end,” said CEO Miley O’Reilly. “Without us, they have nowhere to go for a beer, Irish appetizers, Irish whiskey, a beer, good Irish food, a beer, traditional Irish desserts, a beer and Irish coffee.”

Once the restaurants have been closed and the tables, kitchen equipment and other assets have been sold, O’Reilly and her crews will begin converting each location into an Irish dating service and meeting club called Get Lucky, starting with the Boston flagship. Applicants must prove their Irish heritage with either DNA samples, red hair, Catholic school uniform or Boston Police Department badge. Smashing chairs or other temper tantrums are insufficient evidence. When asked if this wasn’t a form of stereotyping, O’Reilly laughed and said, “Sure, but it’s the only way to keep out lonely English women.”

After paying their membership fee, photos of the Irish singles will be posted on the walls, along with vital statistics, biographies and Catholic parish they belong to. Meet-ups will be scheduled every night but Sunday for members to check each other out in person. A karaoke machine will be provided with a full selection of songs by U2, The Cranberries, The Pogues and Thin Lizzy. The machine is programmed to self-destruct if anyone attempts to bring down the mood by playing “Danny Boy.”

Since the liquor licenses and food permits are gone, the dating events will be BYOBS – bring your own beer and stew. O’Reilly hopes to eventually serve meals again, mostly duck dishes. “It’s not traditionally Irish,” she admitted, “but I like the idea of a sign over the door that says: “Come to Get Lucky, stay for the ducky.””

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ – The collapse of the mortgage and banking industry, the downturn in the housing market and the high price of gas has forced Hasbro to downsize the popular board game, Monopoly. “We were blindsided,” says Henry Pazgough, vice president of Monopoly marketing for Parker Brothers. “One day bankruptcy is fun … the next day it’s worse than being in jail without a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card.”

High gas prices began causing problems for Monopoly two years ago. “No one wanted the race car as their playing piece,” says Pazgough. “We had to replace thousands of them with little bicycles. Then we had to recall the bicycles after the doping scandal at the Tour de France. We’re using little scooters now, but I’ve got the assembly lines ready to switch to skateboards or golf carts.”

This year, the cost of gas forced Parker Brothers to downsize the entire board. “Travel is down,” said designer Penny Baggz. “We got rid of half of the streets. Nobody ever went to Baltic Avenue anyway.” There was talk of adding a commuter railroad, but players who traveled Amtrak said they’d rather go to jail instead.

The mortgage and banking fiasco was a double whammy for Monopoly. “Everyone quit buying houses,” explained Pazgough. “We replaced them with mobile homes, but that wasn’t much better.” Games shipping today have only half as many houses. The rest have been replaced by little buckets, which can be traded in for a mortgage bailout after passing Go.

“Forget about the hotels,” says Baggz. “We shut down the hotel molding machine last year. I got an offer for it yesterday from a guy in China who makes little villages with Bonsai trees.”

Worst hit is the Monopoly bank. “There’s too many $500 bills and not enough singles and fives,” says Noah Liphe, five-time national Monopoly champion. “What good is a $500 when there’s no convenience store on the board that will take it?” Liphe nearly lost his title this year when the bank closed for three days and he was forced to sell his own clothing to pay rent on Boardwalk. “I’m talking to Parker Brothers about making it into a special edition called Strip Monopoly,” says Liphe. Pazgough likes the idea. “If we can get college kids to buy it, our troubles are over.”

New York, NY – Wall Street, the center of world commerce in lower Manhattan, has checked itself into rehab after President Bush revealed that the nation’s current economic problems were caused by the street’s drinking problem. In a prepared statement sent from the rehab center, a contrite Wall Street said, “When the President of the United States says you have a problem, you’d better do something about it quickly. Look what happened to Iraq.”

Wall Street is reported to be at the City Ford Center, a rehabilitation facility for streets, cities, nations and other public institutions with addictions. Wall Street checked in under an assumed name, believed to be “Broadway,” but decided to reveal its true identity after Wal-Mart threatened to sue over the confusion caused every time it said, “Hi, my name is Wall and I’m an alcoholic.”

City Ford Center has treated hundreds of public and private institutions, not always successfully. Las Vegas has been there many times for alcohol, drugs, sex and gambling addictions. While not illegal, Seattle checked in once in an attempt to break its caffeine addiction. Bourbon Street checks in like clockwork after every Mardi Gras. One success story is Haight-Ashbury, which has stayed clean of its psychedelics problem for many years. City Ford counselors also participate in interventions, such as one held recently in a failed attempt to get Houston to admit it has a problem with ethyl alcohol.

Wall Street will remain at City Ford for thirty days. The bill is completely covered by Wall Street’s insurance company, Blue Town/Blue Street. After checking out, Wall Street will attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, where it is expected to have difficulty with finding a higher power greater than itself.

WASHINGTON, DC – When he’s not busy lowering interest rates, bailing out financial institutions or making ceramic piggy banks with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is overseeing the young men who would like to date his daughter, Anna. Like all dads, Ben is concerned about what might happen on these dates, which is why he came up with his 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter. The rules are so popular among his Washington colleagues with daughters, Bernanke is considering developing them into a sitcom pilot for the Fox Business Channel.

When young Republican men enter the foyer of the Bernanke home, they come face-to-face with two stone tablets containing the following Bernanke rules:

1. If you pull in my driveway in anything but a limo, it better be a private jet.

2. You may not touch my daughter in front of me unless it’s to hand her a copy of your financial statement.

3. You must wear a dark suit at all times, even to the beach. You can only take it off to save a drowning banker.

4. When it comes to sex, think of my daughter as a Swiss bank and you as someone who shops at the grocery store with coupons.

5. If you think the late fees on your American Express Centurion Card are atrocious, wait until you see the fee for bringing my daughter home late.

6. If my daughter comes home crying, it better be because you took her to a sad movie about Democrats taking over Congress.

7. While waiting for my daughter to make her grand entrance, don’t fidget or bother me with questions. Nothing drops faster than my interest rate in you.

8. You may only take my daughter to noisy crowded public places where there are no places to have sex. One of my favorite spots to take her mother was the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.

SPRINGFIELD, MISSOURI — Jenny Asher always thought she’d have plenty of time to guilt her daughter into bringing the grandkids to visit. However, between her part time job at Home Depot and realizing her dream of following the Stones on tour, there’s little time left over for instilling the proper amount of guilt into her adult children. Fortunately for Asher, inventor Melinda Clipton dreamed up the Automatic Guilt Generation Handhead, or AGGH.

The AGGH operates from a simple database of common guilt invoking messages such as your brother calls every day and I barely remember what those kids look like. The handheld device provides guilt-laden ideas at the push of a button.

“It’s one less thing I need to worry about,” said Asher. “Now I have fresh guilt inducing comments at the ready for every possible occasion.” The busiest boomer mothers can opt for the premium service, which actually leaves answering machine messages left with your simulated voice as well as seasonally appropriate email messaging. A mother-in-law version is available for a substantially higher fee.

CLEVELAND, OH – Children attending the Block-N-Roll Hall of Fame Day Care center in Cleveland, Ohio, were asked to put down their blocks, pick up their crayons and predict what jobs they would like to have when they graduate from college in the year 2025. Kids wearing “My Daddy Belongs To The UAW” T-shirts were told to pretend their daddies will be able to afford to send them to college. Here are some of the careers Generation Z+3 see themselves in and a few explanations for their choices:

Rich guy

Rich woman

Son of rich guy (child always in “time-out”)

Married to rich guy

Married to gay rich guy

Bodyguard for rich guy (Dad’s in UAW)

Lobbyist (Dad’s in jail)

Pro basketball player (exchange student from Lithuania)

Pro bowler (not an exchange student)

Smart rich guy who bails out dumb rich guys

Dumb rich guy who gets richer after being bailed out by not-so-smart rich guy

First woman president (girl named Hillary)

First transgender president (someone named Hillary)

First goofy-looking president with hot wife (nephew of Dennis Kucinich)

First goofy-looking president with hot husband (niece of Dennis Kucinich)

Inventor of solar-powered mechanical heart (exchange student from India)

Inventor of solar-powered brewery (not an exchange student)

Day care center owner (child of day care center owner)

Inventor of cure for diaper rash (child still not potty trained)

Britney Spears (child who refuses to wear pants)

CHARLOTTE, NC – After reporting a net loss in the second quarter of 2008 of $8.9 billion or $4.20 per share, the board of directors of Wachovia Corporation (aka The Loan Arrangers) announced it will replace the entire worldwide staff of the bank with automated teller machines, including state-of-the-art models on wheels. “Bank tellers are so 2007,” said board chairman Hamilton “Hambone” Alexander. “Deposit, withdraw, repeat. My cell phone can do that and plays games too.”

The change starts at the top, with CEO Robert K. Steel being replaced by a solid titanium CEOATM with a brand new blond ATM at its side for special occasions. To allow the CEOATM to move between floors of Wachovia headquarters, it will be equipped with a golden parachute to ease it down stairwells and assisted by a BONUSATM to lift it back up. Since the CEOATM has no back panel, a FEDCHAIRATM will be placed behind it to cover its rear.

All bank vice presidents will be replaced by one single VPATM whose sole function will be to take up space. Loan officers will be replaced by NOATMs equipped with a large mechanical head that moves from side-to-side to indicate a loan application has been disapproved. Bank tellers will be replaced by $ATMs on wheels with sensors to detect counterfeit bills and little old ladies with bags of unrolled pennies. They will have radar to detect which line is longest and a single hand to put up “Next window” signs. Bank guards will be replaced by AK47ATMs programmed to shoot first, shoot later and answer all questions with “English or Spanish?”

During their exit interviews, Wachovia employees were advised to roll what’s left of their 401K funds into stock from Diebold Corporation, the world’s largest maker of ATMs.

FORT WORTH, TEXAS — With no relief for oil prices in sight, airlines are resorting to increasingly drastic cost savings measures. In a bold move, American Airlines has decided to take a bite out the fuel costs by training all its pilots in the art of coast-to-stop landings.

“It came to me while I was visiting my dad this summer,” said Jodi Fitzgerald, Senior Engineer at American. “The old guy has always coasted to a stop, and it’s finally paying off. I thought, why not do it with the aircraft?”

American expects to see a 4% decrease in jet fuel usage by instituting the new coast-to-stop landings. “We’ve still got a few bugs to work out,” said Fitzgerald. “But there’s really no reason these birds can’t just float down onto the runway.”

In the interest of fuel conservation, pilots have also been asked to refrain from drag racing and idling excessively mid-flight.