SEATTLE, WA – An approximately two-hour outage of the Amazon.com web site forced millions of users who were unable to buy books to turn to reading some of the books they’d already purchased. “I’ve got six big boxes of books from Amazon I haven’t even opened yet,” customer Pavel Nurmski told a reporter interviewing book-laden customers in line at a crowded Starbucks. “Here’s one about making millions by flipping houses. You can have it if you let me cut in front of you.” Other customers had similar stories.

“I’ve got 27 unread books on exercise, dieting and weight-loss through self-hypnosis,” said a lady juggling two frappes, three cinnamon rolls and a brand-new cookbook. “I hope the site is back up soon. I just heard about an interesting book on coffee addiction.”
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KANSAS CITY, MO – Hallmark Cards (motto: “Your mother can’t look at a phone call!”) has come up with a unique way to capitalize on the economic downturn – “Debt Well” cards to send to friends, family and laid-off former co-workers who are in foreclosure, bankruptcy or bragging about the “environmental benefits” of dumpster-diving.

Company spokesperson Yvette Alcough told reporters, “No one wants to see friends or family with dire financial problems because it’s so difficult to come up with something comforting to say, especially when you’re thinking “Get away – I’m not lending you any more money!” That’s where we can help.” Continue reading »

Do you have problems saving money? Well, Troy T. Woods gives you the Top 4 ways to save money.

BENTONVILLE, AR – In an attempt to stop American pharmaceutical users from going to Canada and Mexico for cheap placebos, Wal-Mart announced that all in-store pharmacies will now carry its own line of low-cost placebos. Called Walcebos, the inert pills, tablets and time-release capsules will sell for $2 per 100, less than half of the price of placebos at most competing pharmacies but more than triple the price of the M&M’s, Reese’s Pieces and Skittles they closely resemble.

“Patients don’t realize that American placebos are rigidly regulated and stringently tested before being placed in phony packages with bogus instructions and warnings,” said chief pharmacist Jake Walton, great-grandson of the company founder, head of Wal-Mart Pharmacy Operations and the only descendent to ever actually cash a Wal-Mart paycheck. “You have no idea what could be in placebos smuggled from Canada or ordered over the Internet. They could even contain actual drugs smuggled from the United States to Canada by terrorists trying to bring down the American pharmaceutical industry.” When asked by reporters for specific evidence of this, Walton referred them to his corporate lobbyist, a former senator who left office in disgrace after admitting that an addiction to placebos drove him to try other phony things, like cops disguised as prostitutes.

Customers at a Wal-Mart pharmacy in Pittsburgh had mixed feelings about Walcebos. “I get regular placebos for my kids instead of Ritalin because they eat that stuff like candy,” said a harried-looking Marla Trover. “Now I can use the money I save to get back on the Pill. I wonder if I can get that in a Walcebo too?” Roger Almason wasn’t so positive. “My doctor don’t like ‘em. He says they got weird side effects, like tooth decay and turnin’ your tongue blue. I can’t go to work with a blue tongue. They’ll think I’m getting’ high on spray paint, not that I would know anything about that.”

Most doctors surveyed said they’ll take a wait-and-see approach to Walcebos. They plan to wait and see what kind of free trips Walcebo sales reps offer for prescribing them. In the meantime, Wal-Mart reports that Sam’s Club wholesale stores are already sold out of Walcebos in 1000-pill bottles, 5,000-pill barrels and 50-pound sacks.

Modena, Italy – The Ferrari car company today announced August 1st as the debut date for the Olive compact car model which is fueled entirely by olive oil. When asked why develop a car that runs on olive oil, which, gallon for gallon, sells for at least three times the price of gasoline, company representatives told reporters that ‘olive oil is better for you’.

“Better for your body, better for the environment,” said Maria Deltorio, Media Relations. “Everybody knows American environmentalists will pay more once we slap a green label on it!” she said. Continue reading »

Arab coffee-and-snack chain Frostin’ Falafels has ordered Middle Eastern TV stations to pull a commercial featuring spokesperson Ramadonna Raehim wearing a cap after Muslim bloggers complained that it looked too much like an American baseball cap. Popular right-wing Muslim pundit Micah Muhahah called the baseball cap “the traditional headgear of imperialist American pigs and even worse, the murderous New York Yankees.”

Frostin’ Falafels founder Hussein Hussein at first dismissed the complaints, saying the cap was not an American baseball cap but a cricket cap he picked up while training for jihad in Pakistan. However, the company decided to cancel the commercials after Muhahah threatened to call for a mass boycott and suggested that camel drivers have their animals urinate in the Frostin’ Falafels drive-thru lanes.

Muhahah praised the decision by Frostin’ Falafels and apologized to Raehim for getting caught up in the controversy. “I have nothing against Ramadonna Raehim. I watch her cooking shows every day and love her low-fat dried goat ear fajitas.”

Frostin’ Falafels began in Bahrain in 1952 when Hussein Hussein was a street vendor selling falafels – fried balls of ground chickpeas – and accidentally dropped one in a bucket of melted sugar he was using to attract flies away from his customers. Rather than wasting it, Hussein ate the frosted falafel and the self-proclaimed “most popular dessert in the desert” was born. The chain now has over 2,500 locations in the Middle East selling frosted falafels, Arabic coffee and CDs of Islamic musicians covering Beatles’ songs.