Scientists today have announced an amazing new discovery – politicians are biologically different than the human race, known in scientific circles as Homo Sapiens. In fact, they are biologically different enough actually warrant their own species within the Homo genus, which scientists have dubbed Homo politicus.

Wang Chung, a scientist with the Harvard Biological Institute, further elaborated on this new nomenclature, which has been met with some disagreement in some scientific circles.  “This species engages in a unique set of characteristics such as having an amazing ability to consume large amounts of alcohol, wasting excessive amounts of other people’s money by pretending to accomplish tasks when in reality nothing of significance gets accomplished, and most importantly, having a split personality,” he elaborated.

Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary biologist with the University of Oxford, is skeptical.  “I mean, most of the behaviors of this ‘alleged’ new species have already been observed in members of Homo sapiens,” he indicated.  However, he noted that post-mortem research of politician cadavers have frequently found one or more “absorbed twin” embryos, giving rise to theories that indicate politicians truly have what is frequently termed “multiple identity disorder.”

“If we can somehow show that these embryos are alive and functioning while the attached Homo politicus member is alive, I believe our scientific understanding of this species will advance considerably,” Wang Chung noted.  “This would describe how these politicians can speak to various interest groups over a very short time span and give responses to these different groups that are polar opposites.  It may be that the embryo(s) attached to each politician constitutes a completely separate identity for the associated politician, which the politician can switch at will.”

This would further explain the lack of guilt in relaying these multiple thoughts and positions that frequently conflict with one another, Chung further noted.  “However, we need to capture and dissect one of them while they are alive in order to confirm this biological association.”

Scientists presently have an application in with the Food And Drug Administration (FDA).  If it is approved, it is expected that scientists will then be authorized to kidnap, without further notice, a few active politicians for medical research.  We’ll try to get one that is a major liar,” Chung indicated, “since such a politician will likely have a more developed embryo, or hopefully embryos, embedded in their body.”

Some scientists have already accepted the existence of this new species as fact and have expanded upon this discovery by naming separate subspecies within the Homo politicus species.  Subspecies generally are biologically compatible with other subspecies of the same species, but have distinguishing characteristics that set them apart.

To provide the public with a better understanding of these different political subspecies, scientists have given what they believe to be real-life “case examples” of each designated subspecies.

Some of the more notorious politicians named so far as representative of the various subspecies are as follows:

• Larry Craig – Homo politicus homo
• Strom Thurmond – Homo politicus oldasshit
• Dennis Kucinich – Homo politicus straightfrommars
• Bill Clinton – Homo politicus ishouldbemormon

Scientists note that as other defining characteristics are further classified, other subspecies designations will be forthcoming.

NEW YORK — As the painful crunch of the economic downturn continues to rear its head in the lives of most Americans, nobody is feeling the squeeze more than working class hookers and pimps. Industry analyst, “Numbafuka”, an unofficial expert in the field pointed to the rising price of gas and crude oil.

“Playas’ can’t even afford ta get their ride up in this shit no’mo son.” Numbafuka texted to his homies from a street-corner, in an official report on Friday. His statement is referring to the mass decrease in customers that the industry has seen in the last three months.

With the cost of gas steadily on the rise the number of “hand-jobs”, “blow-jobs” and general industry sales have dropped a shocking 4.9% in the month of April alone. The sudden free-fall of business is being directly linked to the reduced driving and penny-pinching being done by middle-class white businessmen.

When asked to comment, “Plattinumb Rokz” a local pimp who serves as a benchmark for his sales region, had this to say: “I use to bank phat cash but these bustas’ showin up on bikez and shit tryin to get a ho fo’like five dollas. My Escalade costs mo’than five dollas just to turn the key, playa’.”

Wall Street and the Fed are currently monitoring this situation with great interest and are considering subsidizing pimps who would be willing to reduce their hourly fee per “ho”. This plan comes in the wake of many pimps being forced to shut down their “biznass” and get put in applications for actual “jobs”.

“This is an industry that contributes a great deal to the welfare of America and the Fed is taking a special interest in it. The collapse and bankruptcy of this industry could greatly impact the number of hookers who attend the Fed’s 4th of July cookout this year.” said Larry Rackenbaum, an event-planner for the Fed.

While waiting on the final word from The Fed, “Plattinumb Rokz” shared some uplifting words with a couple of “playas” at his regular street-corner, saying: “We be fine, son. Ain’t nobody gonna touch this. We gangstas.”

Bentonville, AR – For years Amanda Jacobson paid no attention the vagrants outside the Wal-Mart store she managed. Short of staff, and with no budget for more, suddenly the Will Work For Food sign held by a crippled veteran took on new meaning.

“I asked the bakery for the week old yeast rolls and headed outside,” Ms. Jacobson told reporters. “It was the beginning of a great relationship for the homeless and Wal-Mart. It’s a real win-win situation.”

Hiring panhandlers to work for food has proven to be a successful pilot program in several Wal-Mart stores. All amounts eaten are carefully tracked and translated into hours owed the company. The world’s largest retailer is known for keeping prices low for the consumer. This is just another aggressive price cutting strategy. “We think it’s genius,” said North American People Management Director, Walt Thompson. “This represents an amazing opportunity to help those in need while driving down prices and ensuring we’ve got the bodies to serve our customers.”

Thompson is working with the legal and tax divisions of the retail giant to determine if food distribution under the new employment model qualifies as a charitable tax deduction. Plans are already underway to expand the program.

Young mother Courtney Potter looks forward to the work-for-diapers program.  “They don’t even make you interview,” she said.

Rusty Grove, OH – With the price of a barrel of crude oil approaching $130, it’s not hard to see why thousands of wanna-be oil barons are flocking to the small Cleveland suburb of Rusty Grove and forking over $500 for a seat in a seminar called “How To Start Your Own Home-Based Oil Business” put on by Harold “Don’t Call Me Crude” Solowski, the self-proclaimed “Sheik of Shaker Heights.”

Solowski knows why the crowd is there. “Who wants to live in house with a snow machine in the attic so you can ski all year round? How would you like to drive a Rolls Royce to the bowling alley? Wanna see my titanium American Express card? That’s what oil can do for you!” Continue reading »

New York, NY – Moody’s Investors Service announced today it is lowering the credit rating of its main competitor, Standard & Poor’s, to Substandard & Destitute. “The S&P 500 has been consistently wrong about the alleged, possible-but-not-probable, so-called not-quite-a-recession,” says Roger Inswek, chief rater-of-the-raters at Moody’s. Continue reading »

Microsoft recovering from a disappointing purchase attempt of Yahoo! has turned their focus to web properties featured in Grand Theft Auto IV.

“Well the residents of Liberty City can only go to these specific sites through the portal, we feel like we have a captive audience,” says Wayne Rooney, project manager for Microsoft. “When you add the residents of Liberty City together that is just a user base that can’t be equaled.”

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In stunning news today Halliburton scrapped their business model of exploiting no bid contracts in war zones to go with a much more social model, they set up a twitter account.

“Yeah… you know with the change over in office upcoming we figured the whole no bid contract well was about to dry up. I read that a lot of people were picking up work via Twitter so we decided to give it a go, “ said Jeff Mahoney the Senior VP of New Media and Third World Exploitation. “So far we have about seven people following us and we haven’t landed a job yet but we are being patient.”

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International bank Credit Suisse, an international bank based in Switzerland, has indicated that it would re-evaluate the currency of Zimbabwe to more accurately reflect the situation in this sub-Saharan country. Additional world banks are expected to shortly thereafter follow suit.

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